Diary of a Broken Mother

11/05/2025

Between Mother's Day and Gavin's Birthday, this is a hard week. Bittersweet is the perfect description. Some won't understand, and I pray you never have to.

31/01/2025

I know I said I would see you all next year, and here it is, about to be February.

Reflecting on 2024 has brought me to a new place. A place where I have learned to value my personal time and space. I am still healing, but I am healing on my own terms, sometimes silent, sometimes not so silent. One thing I am embracing is my internal joy. It was never gone, it just took a backseat. I have realized that I owe no one anything; my journey is my journey.

All of this to say, there is alot going on in my heart, outside of my grief journey, and I am not sure how active I wish to stay on social media. I am finding peace in the solace of me. I am not leaving, so to speak, but my time here will be less often. It's growth. It's necessary. It's time.

I'll check in with you all in a few weeks, or maybe months. I'll post the important moments worth sharing; I'll still keep Gavin alive.

Thank you all for helping me get through 2024. Your support has made a difference.

Now that the year January is over, here's to 2025. ❤️‍🩹

19/12/2024

I am not sure what's going to become of 2025. What I do know is how much of a struggle 2024 was. As I embark on the 1 year anniversary of Gavin's passing, I can honestly say this month absolutely sucks.

While there have been some great things that have happened for my family, including purchasing our home. There's always a cloud lingering over me, reminding me Gavin is not here to share it with. Although I feel his presence every single day in things that happen, the music I play, and simply looking at his photo, it just cannot replace the fact that his physical presence is no longer able to be experienced.

I feel like I have handled this month pretty well, until today. I am cleaning the house and packing for vacation and suddenly I have an overwhelming sense of anxiety moving throughout my body. I have cried off an on since the time I woke up; I have laughed at memories. I know I made the right decision to go to the beach during this time. It's not so much to "get away" as it is to experience peace. The water soothes my soul in a way I cannot describe. So until next year...

Merry Christmas to you all. I pray many blessings over you and your families. 💚❤️💚

Thank you for all of the love and support. 💙💜

01/12/2024

I made it through my first Thanksgiving without him. Now I prepare for my 2nd Christmas without him. It was never supposed to be like this, but here we are.

I declined going back to NM for the annual friends and family party my sister hosts. In fact, I don't know that I will ever attend another one. Right now, that is a painful place. It was at the party when I last saw him, hugged him, and shared life conversations. I wasn't feeling so good and it hindered our visit. Then, the following day he was sick with the same crud I was getting over. Our last conversation was on the phone while I was in the airport. So while I know some people may be upset and others don't understand, I can't attend. It's for my own mental health.

This year I will spend part of that time near the ocean. I will take part of him with me. I have decided that this will be a new tradition. Each year at the anniversary mark, I will be at a new beach destination, he will be with me, and I will leave a little part of him at each place.

People may not understand, and that's ok. It's not their journey to understand. This is my journey and I will protect my heart and mental health in whatever way that is best for me. This year has been a constant fight just to remain "normal". The truth is, there is no normal. Each day is different. Each day is a struggle, some more than others. Taking my 3 mile walks, outside, each weekday morning has kept me off of antidepressants. I am taking care of me, the best I know how and I will not apologize for the boundaries I have set. Those boundaries are for me, no one else.

I love you Gavin, 💙

19/11/2024

Yesterday I dropped off the Christmas tree and decorations at the New Life Warehouse. In speaking with the lady who runs it, she shared a little bit about the family who is going to receive it. The family consists of an Auntie who recently gained custody of 3 children, her nieces and nephew. They have been living in a hotel for weeks. They just moved into their new home this past Saturday, and one thing she asked for was a Christmas tree.

I left in tears. Although I am hurting without Gavin, he and I were still able to bless someone else.

I love you, Gavin. 💙

15/11/2024

Yesterday, I packed up the Christmas tree and all of the store bought decorations. I will be donating them to an organization that provides household items to families in need. I specifically sought out a family in need, and well, thanks to our amazing realtor turned friend, she was able to help.

I don't know when I will be able to get back to putting up a tree and decorating for Christmas. I just know I am not ready this year.

Gavin, you were such a major part of Christmas. I can remember all the times you won the family game with the $100. In fact, you won more often than not. Your excitement and smile live forever in my head and heart.

I love you Gavin. 💙

03/11/2024

Late last week I was very angry about something; I was very angry with my husband. (No need to worry, I got over it! 😉) While working, I knew I was going to need some uplifting, positive music for my walk that morning. I ended up making a specific playlist and decided to keep it for the days when I just need the extra push or when I am feeling less than happy.

A day later I was really struggling with the fact that November was upon us and the holidays would soon be in my face. I cried several times that night/early morning, looking at Gavin's picture in my home office. I was struggling with the why, the maybe I could have or should have, and just feeling overwhelmed with survivor's guilt. So when I got off work, I laced up my shoes, popped my headphones in, and clicked on my new playlist.

I was rounding my last mile when this song came on. A song I have never heard; a song that WAS NOT on my playlist. It felt like the song was playing in my ear, but Gavin was speaking the words. When I got to the pond, I waited for turtles (they showed up full force that morning) and then I double checked my playlist. This song was not there. I actually had to search Spotify so I could add it.

The song brought me comfort. I felt Gavin's presence. I can't explain it, but I know it was real.

I love you Gavin, 💙

Provided to YouTube by DistroKidIf Walls Could Talk · Yung Kriss · Nathan SimmsDepravity℗ Yung Kriss MusicReleased on: 2019-02-08Auto-generated by YouTube.

28/10/2024

I've been watching the relief efforts rollout in Roswell. I actually watched video after video the night of the flood, as I was scrolling social media to keep myself occupied while on my nightshift. While the devastation in my hometown is heartbreaking, I don't think it can ever compare to the heartbreak of losing your child. Of course I'm not really here to try and compare the 2 because they are 2 completely different things, but it's just been so difficult for me to express my support, an true empathy to the people in Roswell who have lost so much. What most people have lost is tangible; it can be replaced. Yes, it's going to take work and it's going to take a lot of tears and heartache to get through the devastation of the flooding and everything that's happened, but it's hard because while I'm trying to be supportive, I'm still grieving the loss of Gavin. And knowing that no matter how much I go through, no matter how much effort I've put forth, no matter how much support I have, I can not replace him. I can only sit and go through memories. Look at pictures; listen to videos. Sometimes I listen to his voice messages that he had sent me, over and over. It just sucks.

I've been watching The Voice, which is one of my favorite shows. He and I used to talk about it quite a bit, just from a music perspective. I don't know why but this season, there have been so many contestants that have lost a parent or another close family member, either to cancer, addiction, or car accidents. I had to take a few days off from watching because l found myself getting extremely emotional and holding back my own tears bcause I am still very much hurting for my own loss.

The holidays are not making it any easier. But I do cherish the photos of many of those memories. Gavin was beautiful. Gavin had a tender heart. Gavin was talented in so many ways. Gavin.....I miss you like crazy.

I love you Gavin, 💙

20/10/2024

I've had a hard time putting my thoughts down the past couple weeks. Back to back hurricanes, 2.5 days with no power, and while we are blessed to have escaped major damage, the after effects have been emotionally draining. I am barely getting back to my regular schedule; I knew how important my walk time was, but these past few weeks really clarified it.

In my home office/gym I have a shelf in one of the corners. On that shelf sits a shadow box my sister made for me, a porcelain angel that was sent to me from family in California, a glass globe with a feather that has Gavin's name, and a photo of Gavin that was drawn by one of his closest friends.

I logged into work at 12am, scrolled through snapchat stories as I wait for any incoming calls, and there it was. A friend posted a video of Alabama singing their song Angels Among Us. I looked up and there was Gavin's picture; Gavin looking at me smiling. I couldn't hold it in. As I watched the videos play, heard the lyrics I haven't sang since I was a child, the tears welled up in my eyes and began flowing down my cheeks.

I needed that cry. Lately, I feel like I have just been on autopilot with all that's been going on around us. Tonight though, I was able to release some of what I have been holding on to.

I love you Gavin, 💙

23/09/2024

We spent the last 4 days with my oldest son and his fiancé; both are currently enlisted in the US Navy. I knew I would be emotional when it was time to leave, but this time it just hit different.

Goodbyes and see you laters will never be the same. The fear of this being the last time is crippling. I am not sure any amount of healing will be able to cure this. Four days before receiving the tragic news, we had been in NM with Gavin. I hugged his neck. I told him I loved him. I texted him as we boarded our plane; I told him how proud of him I was. Never once did I think it would be the last time.

It sucks. The forever effects of this loss absolutely suck. It lurkes and looms over everything, even when I do my best to not let it affect me. It affects me.

I love you Gavin, 💙

19/09/2024

I look through my social media memories almost daily. Some days I am glad I did, others I log out almost immediately. A few days ago, I sent Eric an old memory from 2010; a conversation that included Gavin. It was funny. Eric's reply brought alot of reality to my eyes, and some deep rooted pain to the surface.

The reality is that Gavin will never be with us for conversations. He will never be the prize winner at Christmas. His physical presence will no longer exist. I struggle with this reality daily, but my struggle goes deeper.

I had a conversation with my bonus son Malachi, who is now living with us until he leaves for school in November. He shared something with me about his own struggles. When I found out he had thought about ending his life last year, around this time, and had a whole plan, I felt like I was suffocating. Yes, we are working with him and he starts therapy next week.

It isn't just this. I panic when I don't see or hear from Eric all day. Eric has a certain schedule, and while I am fully aware of his schedule, if he doesn't come through the kitchen door at a certain time before he leaves for work, I have to talk myself down.

My reality is that while I smile, laugh, and send my friends hilarious memes, reels, and tiktoks, I am still struggling with emotions. I feel all my feelings and hold nothing in, but this new reality is forever. The sting just keeps stinging.

I love you Gavin, 💙

03/09/2024

September 1 kicked off National Suicde Prevention Month, and honestly, I'm kind of numb. I've limited my Facebook activity because I just really don't want to exhaust my emotions any more. It's hard. In 3 months it will be one year. It hurts. I've had to limit my time on here because it has just been alot. I am struggling to find the balance between growth and loss, happiness, and grief. Life will keep life-ing and I will keep persevering, but in order to do so, I have to be in a good mental space myself. It is easily overwhelming when so many posts in my feed deal with this subject, either from an educational aspect, or a personal story/post of others from support groups.

On another note, I have been walking daily and being outside in the sunlight has helped keep me grounded. There is a pond with a little deck in our neighborhood. Being in Florda, I am always stopping to see if I spot any gators, lol. I always see fish and a few different species of birds/ducks. This week I spotted a turtle. He was huge. Yesterday, I stopped and didn't see him, so I proceeded to finish my walk. As I was walking off, he swam up and poked his head out! It was almost as if to say "Wait! I am here!". My heart fluttered when I saw him. Symbolism. Today, I stopped and waited, and sure enough, he swam up, poked his head up, to say hi, and continued about his day.

In our last neighborhood, when I began my grief journey, there was a retention pond full of turtles. I would go watch them just to get off the couch and spend 10 mins outside, hoping no one would talk to me. While those turltes are still in South Tampa, Gavin's spirit is here with me, with my new turtle friend.

I love you Gavin, 💙