11/01/2025
Homo Herald News❄️☃️🏳️🌈📰🏳️🌈📰☃️❄️
…the arrival of 2025 delivered a relentless monsoon along with chaos and devastation due to the weather having a temper tantrum causing flooding in several villages and the river destroying anything in its path….swiftly followed
by endless snow along with freezing temperatures creating impromptu ice rinks…morning commuters shuffling along the road….tightrope walking one minute and skating the next….the 43 a double decker of zombies and steamed up windows……a wintery spell cast a cloak of fog …. leaving a misty silhouette of the shops….the eerie sound of hooves….emerging from the haze… a couple of horses donned in feathered plumes…..followed by a funeral carriage and two figures in top hats at the helm as someone makes their final journey to the cemetery ⛷️🛷❄️💦☔️⛸️🐎🎩
Christmas had been a hectic affair…. carol services…sat in church clutching a tangerine and a candle then being blatantly looted by children eager for the dolly mixtures on top…..parents like the cast of Motherland…remembrance at the crem
….munching apple and mince pies in the chapel washed down with a cup of festive cheer….trips to country estates herded round the gift shop in a one way system, cursing lolloping dawdlers debating whether to buy a tea towel…festive fairs and the delight of tombola wins… with mulled wine forming part of our 5 a day 🎅🏻🎄🕯️🍊🍬⛪️🥧🍷
The village had the grand switch on of the Christmas Tree….people gathered round in wild weather…bobble hats twitching in the wind…whilst others stayed cosy sipping beer from the comfort of a local venue….the irony of a Silent Night as the spectacular choir sang but out of ear shot across the road
🎄🧤🧣🍺🎶🎵🎹
The Horse & Farrier galloped to victory with the best Christmas meal with a fancy festive table ….complimentary fizz and fabulous food….The Ship Cosy and Christmassy…..Rainbow 88 outstanding and entertaining….Piccolo’s amazing tribute act and Northenden Untapped an unrivalled night out containing memory loss…sausages and dancing 🥔🥕🥬🥩🍾🥂🥡🥢🥃🍷🍹🍰🍕🍝🌭🕺🏻💃🏽🎤
Homo Herald HQ found a jack of all trades becoming a Virgin Engineer, a road gritter and a boiler expert…skills involved reading glasses….lack of patience..and declaring everything a bastard….still spoken of to this day to anyone who will listen 👀🧠🤓👓🔧🛠️🔨🔩🪜
The winds of change blew across the close as various houses vacated seeing the arrival of new neighbours…..time passing by - seeing new school run activity as some became independent travelling by themselves…..one little one being transported across the snow in her sledge…and another skipping along and racing access the garden…gone were the days of two curly heads running down the road last minute 🎺🎷🛷📒📕📐✏️✒️
Dramatic shower scenes with a spider creeping along the tiles causing the shampoo clad occupant to perform notes an opera singer would be proud of….the 8 legged psycho not once picking up the soap as it surfed around the bath…and on retrieval gluttony twinned with a fat Christmas instantly turned the shower curtain into a thong 🚿🛀🏽🛁🪥🪒🕷️🕸️😳
Over at the Co op pigs in blankets had become the new obsession and the irony of becoming one in bed after stuffing a plate of them down….selfies on the self scanning camera….one tile Annie busy doing nothing and occasionally sweeping the store with a glance as the wet floor army remain untouched and her most likely being snowed in on the pastries aisle
🛒💷👩🏼🌾🍎🍓🫑🥖🥐🍞
Sagor Balti made a come back delivering a kebab the size of a rugby ball and feeding the homos for 3 sittings before declaring themselves obese and out
🌮🌮👀👀
Due to extreme weather the meowing mafia chose to stay inside whilst outside a fine meal of Warburtons Finger Rolls were served for the birds….who dined in different sittings….Mr fat pigeon first up….strutting round the lawn pecking at the bread…..then the arrival of the black beaked ravens….who snatched and flew away with their food….next the Magpies arriving and hopping about keeping their distance before retreating to a tree,..meanwhile the operation black beak gathered an army and with that everyone else flapped their wings and were gone…leaving a lone squirrel retrieving its Autumn treasures
🐦⬛🦆🪿🦅🐤🐧🐦🐿️ 🥜
Suzie’s Sausage Sunday showcased Gammon in Honey cooked in one of the trilogy of air fryers…demonstrating a twist of genius and the versatility of scouse cuisine 👨🏻🍳🍖
💡Newsflash - a woman just fainted on The London Eye…..she’s slowly coming round!! 🎡
Sport - No ball games ⛔️⚽️
🔆Weather - a frosty start to the day with a tsunami of tea….and a chance of hot toddies in the afternoon 🔆
🎓Educational Corner🎓
When your wife starts a sentence with
“When you get a chance…”
Put your shoes on - she means now!!
Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡
I said to the gym instructor
“Can you teach me to do the splits?”
he said how flexible are you❓
I said “I can’t make Tuesday’s”❗️
Until next time….💋💋
…..and now for Mystic Wife….✨✨🌈✨✨🔮
…warning….two feet of snow in Northenden…..scraping the ice off the car in the morning may do your head in….using a discount card and only getting 10% off
