Homo-Herald (2026)

28/08/2026

🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰Homo Herald News🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰

August leading us onward further into the year saw an action packed month….a solar eclipse whipping everyone up into a frenzy…hoard’s of people gathering for the spectacular event….special viewing glasses in high demand….those that were successful witnessing history….those that weren’t… welcoming their new guide dog into the family….Homo Herald HQ going full out converting two cereal packets and some foil for viewing…donned in pjs from the bedroom window…result being a tiny shape on the cardboard base of a shreddies box….meanwhile a natural spectacle appeared on our bedroom wall courtesy of the trees 🌒🌙🌗🕶️

Curry and catch ups with Suzie Red Croc, being spoilt, gossip…. tales of Johnny Be Bad ♥️…prior to her arrival 4 bald heads and 4 pints gathered round the next table…full of chatting…f this…f that…..the arrival of their meals delivered silence as they tucked into their “mute masala” 👩🏻‍🌾👨🏼‍🌾👨‍🦲🍺🍻🍛

Earlier in the month a heatwave had caused “out of office”for any green grass, leaving a singed crisp carpet in its place….a ban on bbqs….bingo wings out in force….chilled b**rs…and no alfresco sausage ☀️🔥🩴🕶️🍹

….entertainment began early morning over coffee with a baseball capped p**spot …and a boy racer on the petrol station…shouting…engines revving…idol threats….banging…screeching of tyres and hurtling off like lightning….whilst the p**s pot staggered off in a haze of white lightning 🧢🚙🏁

On the Close Mrs End house having left the garden naked by having the bushes hacked….causing wheelie bin chaos then using the space to park….next slapped a no parking sign and abandoned her car…a stilted arch appeared as a doorway to the bin store…and overall untidiness and no sh*ts given on the garden giving gypsy camp vibes…to the point of uncertainty if anyone was about to showcase their clothes airer of washing….sell lucky heather or tarmac drives 🛻🏠🛢️🔮🧝🏻‍♂️

The Meowing Mafia down to a trilogy of Nancy and two of her first litter….a Disney image but a reality of them getting sniffed and slapped at any opportunity…water bowls being filled in a rush and overflowing like little round infinity pools 😼😾😽

Out and about Gatley took its turn with party in the car park…music…food and dancing along with small businesses filled with villagers eating and drinking in the sunshine creating a holiday atmosphere …in our village a car that had been bumped and dumped down the road and reported more times than the local news was finally shifted by a giant claw type grabber on the back of a lorry….closing this magical disappearance as
ab-ra-car-dab-ra 🌺☀️🍔🍟🍕🥂🍷

Northenden began its social extravaganza with neighbouring Wythenshawe Park hosting 5 big gigs…treating everyone within earshot to a free concert….the village awash with fans from all over…the luxury of portaloos being dumped at one end of the village whereas our end found a neighbours wall appeared to offer the same service…the weather casting a magical spell…flash of lightning….clap of thunder and the patter of a monsoon restoring green to the grass and the return of the lawnmower wizard ⚡️🌤️🌧️💦💧💨🪩👩🏻‍🎤🧕🏼🧑🏻‍🎤👨🏼‍🎤🚙🎉

Tv programmes going rogue with Long Lost Families having us invested with paused emotion and a tissue for a reunion to have all faces blanked out….declared a bastard and renamed “long lost faces”….old re runs of The Hotel Inspector being a delight with Alex’s amusing comments and the hysteria of the narrater “Cox checked out Muffs package”
📺🍿🥟🥤

Sport - No ball games ⛔️⚽️

Suzie’s disappointing dinners came beverage form with an overpriced glass of fizz not being chilled tasting like the result of a urinating pony therefore being referred to as horse p**s 🐴

🔆Weather🔆
Starting the day with intervals of coffee turning into heavier showers of fizz in the afternoon

Psychic Wife🔮✨✨🌈✨✨

🔮Margaret…..and you were diagnosed with colourblindness🔮

🔮…yes…John…it came right out of the purple🔮

🎓Educational Corner 🎓

There’s a new type of broom on the market….its sweeping the nation

Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡

I forgot I d changed my alarm to the Hokey Cokey….it took me 20 minutes to get out of bed this morning !!

Until next time…. 💋💋

03/08/2026

🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰Homo Herald News🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰

Marching onward through the Summer found us in August…a month of hustle and bustle …the weather indecisive to say the least from sunglasses to cardigans in the blink of en eye …clothes maidens thrust outside and abandoned for the rest of the day and the knowledge you can’t reason with a season ☀️🌦️💦🌬️🥼🕶️

Much activity on the Close…anyone daring to tend to their own section of the garden causing curtain twitching quicker than a rabbits nose…in more bold moves…crocs on and observation from afar - aiming to be seen, hoping for a full run down of plans…Homo Herald HQ having made it quite clear palm trees for privacy saw others blocking areas with large potted plants and fences…to prevent …unruly activity…someone else’s washing…or social invasion…the bin army were relocated due to another end house issuing a straight red card and all offenders retreating to their own properties…Lisa Strawberry instantly slapping house numbers onto the front of hers….the musicians appearing like Mr Benn for an inquisitive stroll to the Amazon parcel box and communicating through the medium of mime 👓🤷🤷🏽‍♀️🚴🏻💐☘️🌿🌴

In the Village a dash of history, a lovely afternoon with stories of the area from locals celebrating a centenary with a lovely atmosphere and a dash of chilled b**r….down by the river a drama with a fool and a bbq…later resolved by caring villagers…proving not all heroes wear capes nor do all clowns wear red noses!!🏠⛪️🪎

Road trips were on the agenda with a long journey via bus to Buxton armed with a cooler bag…glorious sunshine and the Halle Orchestra performing resulting in a freebie sitting outside nibbling on a Mr Kipling…another excursion being a drive to Lytham…lovely day spent on deck chairs by the open boot of the car with a picnic - en route having saluted “five floors o’ sh*te” when sailing past…as a result of an impulsive deposit paid long ago…a reschedule and an overnight hit and run to Filey involving mini golf….Chinese food…and a sunrise…departure delayed by a slam of brakes…car parked….into the gardens for Yorkshire day…waving of flags…a choir and suddenly clutching Town Cryers Bell….🚌🚙🥪🥤🍓🍏🍉🥡 🔔

Out and about saw some usual characters
going about their business…the morning bridge stomper…chatting into her phone oblivious to the world on a mission to her destination…..thinner looking the rambler reappeared after some weeks…moving at a steady pace on two crutches into Gatley…chairs and tables emerging early doors from various businesses…Costa as ever busy but no one at the counter and deserted tables left with cups and plates like the Mary Celeste…. Subway with its smeared windows courtesy of a girl with an unfortunate face and a baseball cap…no clue and some blue roll….the Madame from the brothel early morning closing the squeaky shutters and loading a large bag of bedding into the car which had no doubt seen more traffic than the M62 in rush hour 📱⌚️🧢🥾🚗🩼🩼🦯

Suzie’s disappointing dinners brought sweet and sour chicken into the spotlight…messing with the menu requesting no batter…the arrival presenting the predicted slimy taste resulting in a bush tucker trial to empty the plate, sharing the other meal and the declaration of “lesson learnt”🥡🥡🍗🍗🥢

Early mornings and late nights found the acceleration of bras off from 7pm to 5pm and crime dramas beyond 3 episodes deemed too much 💤 🛏️📺

Sport - no ball games ⛔️⚽️

🔆Weather..heavy spells of fatigue washed away with showers of coffee…moving into a brighter afternoon and a chance of sparkling w**e 🔆

…and now for Psychic Wife…🔮✨✨🌈✨✨

🔮Margaret….you were obsessed with vengeance 🔮

👻we’ll see about that! 👻

🎓Educational Corner 🎓

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it!!

Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡

My sisters so wheat intolerant she cant even wear her hair in a bun!!

Until next time 💋
💋

In loving memory of Clarence & Skye of the meowing mafia 😻😻

26/07/2026

🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰Homo Herald News🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰

Another beak another week as June came and went bringing glorious sunshine and a monsoon chaser causing umbrellas to be snapped open and closed like castanets of the weather world ☀️🌤️💦☔️☂️

Over at Co op one tile Annie sashayed about with a glamorous hair do…cat walking along the aisles past the non existent army of wet floor signs on her phantom morning clean….news of one of the youthful looking girls giving birth to a second baby causing a pearl clutching moment of shock and panic buying all fab lollies from the freezer 👩🏻‍🌾🛒🪣🧹🥐🍭🍡

The gym’s outdoor pool saw school holidays and scorching weather cast a busy spell seeing the arrival of hoards of characters…families arriving late morning…hunting down loungers, armed with inflatables, others shuffling about donned in sliders and socks lifting up sun beds to squeeze in elsewhere….tattoos and sunglasses sunbathing….turkey teeth and Hawaiian shorts chatting away like grand pianos…lifeguard VAR kicking in every few minutes as oblivious parents busy on phones reminded to attend to their offspring in the kids pool…splashing and chatter and the occasional tantrum….a floppy hat and a nose continued reading her book without a care in the world 👙🩲🩴🍦🍭🥤🏊🏻‍♂️😬

The arrival of the World Cup brought bunting….flags…excitement along with random schedules due to overseas time difference and being on normal tele saw a long blink and a final whistle having missed many a match…resulting overall in disappointment 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿⚽️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿⚽️

Summertime welcomed various village festivals and events….our village kicking off with famous names, comedy…music and amazing hosts…followed by a church fundraiser with amazing food, live music and a jolly atmosphere 🕶️☀️🍔🌭🍻🎸🎤🎭

Birthday month was in full swing…Mr Kipling providing birthday slices…road trips..a fancy holiday to Greece…catch ups…drinks…gifts and a barbecue…paddling pool and jelly to toast the journey onward into our 50’s 🍰🧁🍔🍗🌭🍅🥒🍻🍹🥂🎉🎁🎈🇬🇷

Out and about being asked to mind a hanging basket whilst a man called Terry dashed off to go bell ringing up the church tower…which on his departure was promptly named Mildred along with an abandoned pomegranate called Peter… both formed part of the audience whilst the church bells rang far and wide…elsewhere at crack of dawn another man named Roland waiting for a pint…being 7am was whipped into a Honda and escorted home 🌼🌸⛪️ 🔔 🚗🍺🕰️

A damp Sunday started with a grey cloak across the sky, a desolate street…the metal shutter screeching down at the brothel after a nights trade and the girls squeezing into a tiny car, hair tied back and home to tend to their Yorkshire Puddings…Petrol station owner stood round the corner one foot against the wall smoking…wardrobe malfunction further down the road as a woman in a beige pleated skirt and an anorak walked a small dog as the rain fell in splodges 💦☁️🚙🙎🏽💁🏻‍♀️🐶⛽️🚬🙍🏽‍♂️

Hot weather also came with its dangers…hanging out washing in Cheshire..brittle pegs in their permanent residence on the line- one minute hanging a tea towel …a sudden snap of plastic…a thumb injury and debris of the offending article on your footwear…causing shock in a croc 👚🥼🩲👕🩴

Suzies disappointing dinners were a plenty… a messy burger requiring 8 hands and a napkin…and a curry marked with 3 chillies on the menu causing hot flushes on the way in and a blowtorch departure on the way out…more eye watering than mouth watering 🍔🍔🍔🥘💨👀

The Close was its usual self…more neighbours alfresco…tables and chairs popping up…chatter…drinks…and excited children…a series of bush hacking causing a stir…and the theme of talking about and not talking to…..causing slight entertainment at Homo Herald HQ 🍷🧋☕️🐶🏃🏼‍♂️‍➡️🏃🏻‍♀️‍➡️🚴🏻🚴🏻‍♂️⚽️

The purchase of a box of lense wipes deemed once one was opened every pair of specs in the house frantically cleaned to get full useage 👓🕶️👓🕶️👓🕶️

Sport - No ball games ⛔️⚽️

🔆Weather - a cloudy morning due to tiredness…morning coffee…perking up mid afternoon with a chance of b**r 🔆

….and now for Psychic Wife🔮✨✨🌈✨✨

If you want to hide and not be found….you have to think like a sock..

🎓Educational Corner🎓

To the guy who invented zero….thanks for nothing!!

Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡

A cheese factory exploded in France….da Brie was everywhere!! 🧀

💜😻In loving Memory of Delilah of our meowing mafia 😻💜

20/05/2026

🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰Homo Herald News 🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰

….windswept further along the month and another week under our belt - along with a couple of fabulous social soirées finding us creeping in after midnight like spiders in the rain….grey and early mornings…crawling traffic…. showers….monsoons and occasional thunder….the weekend brought a mixed bag of characters….an oblivious man with his dog on an overlong lead roadside….dawdling along level with a distracted shopper in no rush for a potentially forgotten shopping list and an irritated jogger trying to manoeuvre past and neither seemingly aware of her presence…almost pantomime as she made a run for it straight through the middle shrugging as she went….across the road a red nylon curtain flapped about outside a shop selling fruit…shading mop buckets and melons…. cyclists deluded that they re driving a HGV as they hog the road and reduce the vehicle flow to the speed of a kerb crawler…🐶🔆🏃🏼🕶️🛒🚛🍉🍌🍇🍓🍏

Faux pas in Bombay Flavours commenting on a gorgeous baby dining from a tiny spoon, donned in a little top covered in pink hearts….politely corrected “she was a he” before a swift departure of “me with a she” 🍛👶🥄🩵🩷👀

All go on the close numerous houses joining in with DIY percussion…thumping…banging…thudding….no 15 seemed to be in residence…closed curtains and car at the back abandoned rather than parked in the middle of the driveway causing other neighbours to hold their breath as they rumble through….wing mirrors on high alert…the other side with their outdoor bathroom themed garden just missing a toilet
🏠🏡🏗️⛏️🛠️🪚🔨🚗🚙🛻

Fruit loop from across the garden was back on the scene…pale blue shirt and wispy fringe heading towards the shops…returning with grow bags and disappearing though a curtain into his house 🤡👽💀

Homo Herald HQ was awash with various football as the end of the season approached…cursing…cheering and ranting was the melody of the game ⚽️💙⚽️🩵

Despite intermittent showers a clothes maiden with a heavy rug had camped out overnight and no doubt wetter than when it started and wringing itself out 💦💧🌨️🦺🩳👚

Swimming in Cheshire was the height of entertainment as Lady Barnet (a title earned due to her immaculate hair) held court whilst swimming on her back at leisure, her feet doubled up as flippers and a wouldbe microphone… her audience a combination of 3 heads bobbing along to keep up…. one in sunglasses …one in a swimming cap and one with a completely dry head….every so often an echo of conversation would reach my side of the pool….”…and I can’t eat warm banana”….temporary silence as the heavens open…then onward…”when you go over there…don’t drop that carrier bag” echoing around a scene of immaculate heads gazing to the left with a slightly shipwrecked look…the swimming cap head the only dash of colour against the dull sky 🕶️🌦️🌧️🏊🏻‍♂️🏊🏼‍♀️🏊🏽🙍🏻‍♀️

At the petrol station the wee boy lolloped onto the forecourt ready for a shift….a reincarnation of his much alive mother who lolloped before him….just shorter hair and bigger wellies…days spent clutching blue roll and wiping petrol pumps…sweeping sand across the floor and cleaning the Esso sign with a lamp post length hose, every so often adjusting his glasses
👓⛽️🪜🧯 🧹 👢👢🥾🥾

Beak Highway appeared from nowhere…during the daytime pigeons at a steady pace… an amorous pair on a garage roof….one strutting away as the other approached from behind….trying to get its wicked way… flapping outstretched wings performing a donger conga….blackbirds nervously on patrol…seagulls cruising along, overtaken by a convoy of noisy parrots….magpies clacking and nipping in and out…a pair of ducks on their travels and a formation of geese horn hooting overhead….dusk brought traffic of a different kind….the dawn chorus singing a late night lullaby and the silhouette of bats on some kind of loop like a trapeze artist at a circus 🎪 🐦🐧🦇🦅🐦‍⬛🦆🦉

Suzies disappointing dinners came at breakfast with bite size shredded wheat taking the crown on account of not being frosted - through no fault of their own but the fault of the impulsive and impatient shopper - being one stop away from “waste of appetite” ☕️🥣

Sport - No ball games ⛔️⚽️

Weather 🔆Hot coffee early morning with a slim chance of zero gin in the afternoon 🔆

Psychic wife 🔮✨✨🌈✨✨

🔮Margaret…for 30 years all you ever did was find mistakes in everything I said🔮

👻31 years!!👻

🎓Educational Corner 🎓

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver❗️

Apparently people don’t appreciate it when you go the extra mile‼️

Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡

We had some bubble wrap delivered and I told the driver to pop it in the corner

He’s still here 6 hours later

Until next time 💋💋

15/05/2026

🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰Homo Herald News🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰

Another month under our belt as April was a distant memory and May arrived bearing gifts of two bank holidays, ever changing weather prompting the choosing of outfits into wardrobe speed dating dismissing garments at the speed of light by swiping left ☀️🩴🌦️🧦🌧️🥾🌈🕶️💨🧣

On the close the slightest glimmer of sunshine saw clothes maidens being thrust onto the garden, draped with washing, shredding garments one by one like a st******se caused by the breeze 💨💨💨👗👚👖👕

The musicians emerged on the odd occasion, departing the house through the medium of mime, and the sheer expression of surprise as they step outside their door beyond a life of flutes 🎶 🎵 🪈 🤷🏼🤷🏻‍♀️

Train track Lee returned to his alfresco exploits, toasting warm days,crocs parked under the table sometimes joined by another pair with the large feet from no 12 ⛱️☀️☕️🍺🕶️

Homo Herald HQ was a flurry of activity, pre summer decking preparation…painted…hoovered…mopped….plum slates and artificial palm trees channelling low maintenance and a dash of tropical camp 🌴🍹🌴🍍

Bombay Flavours was the height of delight, tasty food, a wasps breath away from home and an overall lovely atmosphere, rounded up with a game of snap….despite the same meal…the bill never being the same twice, along with every other song being Hare Krishna leaving us doing a bit of chanting of our own 🍛🍺❓🧾

In the village….diners coming and going from the local restaurants ..alternative diners creeping into the brothel….the traffic lights choosing to keep everyone on their toes by declaring themselves out every other week causing rush hour bedlam and an imaginary roundabout, delivery lorries joining in from time to time with a trilogy blocking the road at Tesco, B & M holding the entire side road hostage and Co op chaos with their fleet taking up half of the car park…cyclists hurtling along on a mission sometimes causing the irritation of a wasp with two wheels….people either jay walking oblivious to the rest of the world then others marching along at speed whilst they v**e puffing away like a pedestrian steam train 🚶🏻🥙🚶🏼‍♀️🥘🚶🏼‍➡️🍛🚶🏼‍➡️🚂🚂

All go on the close with new neighbours preparing to move in….renovations two doors down…and next door banging more frequently than a headboard at the brothel…intermittent monsoons rained silence on the garden with no one daring to risk leaving the house unless absolutely necessary or on a pedalo ⛈️🌨️💦☂️☔️🔨⛏️🪚🏠

In the world of fashion…bras off by 7pm was this seasons must have…combined with elasticated waists…and the least interaction with Morphy Richard’s the better….the footwear collection donned a wardrobe malfunction caused by designer “Madame Gormless” involving a size 6 left shoe and size 4 right shoe cat-walked straight into a prestigious venue and dubbed Big Clown Feet 🤡🤡 🩴👞👠👢

Sport - No ball games ⛔️⚽️

🔆Weather - a bright morning…iced coffee coming in early on and spells of tea throughout the afternoon and possible zero gin in the evening🔆

🔮✨✨🌈✨✨and now for Mystic Wife ✨✨🌈✨✨🔮

“And the Lord said unto John…’come fourth and receive eternal life’….but John came fifth and got a toaster”

🎓Educational Corner 🎓

Someone found a hole in a nudist colony fence….Police are looking into it!!

Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡

A man was washing his car with his son, the son asks…”dad can’t you just use a sponge?”

Until next time 💋

18/03/2026

Homo Herald News 🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰
🧡🤍💚St Patrick’s Day Edition 🧡🤍💚

March not only brings lighter days….over priced flowers courtesy of Mother’s Day which fluctuates up and down the month every year due to the lunar calendar throwing confusion into the mix prompting a loony year. A more static affair is the 17th….Paddy’s Day…celebrated by all and sundry….🩷☘️💐☘️🌹☘️🌺

Guinness literally being the new black…short arses making use of height deficiency and declaring themselves Leprechauns and ginger beards the height of fashion..so they were….🍀🍻

Celebrations occasionally causing hissie fits over lack of St George’s Day celebrations- from the “tutting” can’t be arsed brigade boarding the “make no effort express” and waiting until April 23rd to do nothing 🇨🇮🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿👀

Out and about on brighter days saw two favourite characters going about their business…the first affectionately known as Albert the rambler….seen daily in many locations…stopping to fiddle with his music then rambling on….sipping from a thermos on a church wall….the second…U turn Annie…marching along one arm swinging…stopping swinging on her heels and going back the way she came…sometimes donning a Russian Hat and always on a mission 👩🏼‍🌾👨🏻‍🌾🥾👟

Homo Herald HQ had been out and about on operation mobile beak….clueless people behind steering wheels obviously to other vehicles….swerving across roads causing an emergency stop and a Mexican wave of heads in the car…..a pot hole on a bend creating whiplash on more than one occasion followed by instant psychopathic ranting. Motto the bigger the car the bigger the fool …the bigger the unicycle the bigger the clown
👀🚗🖕🏻🤡

Having encountered all seasons in one day with wild winds, monsoons and dark skies completely changing the social scene from dining out, to pyjamas and Cruising with Jane McDonald from the sofa. Since which time the sun made a cameo appearance along with blue skies and fluffy white clouds and pink blossom sprouting out like a visual song 🌸🌸🌥️☀️💦☔️🌪️🎤🚢

All quiet on the close…other than the old homo on one of his delirious episodes…staggering down the back alley…donating half chewed food to an unsuspecting victim…not able to close his garage due to his abandoned car…lights on and door wide open overnight. Chatter outside as a man called Linda stood hands in pockets talking with his eyeballs…train track Lee having another alfresco morning..and Lisa Strawberry and Bella out on a brief stroll….the latter ones tail wagging with only a lead and an outstretched arm between them…raising the question….whose walking who❓👢🐶🍓

Bombay Flavours closed briefly for maintenance…making the daily curtain twitching commentary less informative…otherwise consisting of Kamin Thai washing a wok - for their afternoon period of closure…The Caribbean being up for sale therefore reducing the amount of litter and dumped food on the garden. Brothel still pulling in the punters…anyone in a half mast chino destined for a visit. Confusion over what colour bins were due on parade…mistakenly wheeling “rest of the world” out to discover it was the turn of the well used brown bins 🧅🥕🧄🍜🥘🍺

Suzies disappointing dinners….this week a cheese sandwich on fresh brown bread….self sabotage due to brick sized wedges of Red Leicester caused by lack of concentration…chewed….but not poked with fury….declared a waste of an appetite and banished into the mouth of a gluttonous companion 🧀🥪👨🏻‍🍳

Sport - No ball games ⛔️⚽️

🔆Weather - dull start to the day with hangover lifting mid morning and intervals of hair of the dog moving in 🔆

🎓Educational Corner🎓

🇮🇪🕷️What do you call a big Irish spider 🕷️🇮🇪

🇮🇪🕷️Paddy-long-legs🕷️🇮🇪

Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡

🍀What’s Irish and sits out all day and night🍀

☘️Patty O’Furniture☘️

🔮✨✨🌈✨✨and now for Mystic Wife ✨✨🌈✨✨🔮

🇮🇪You can never borrow money from a leprechaun….because they re always a little
short 🇮🇪

Until next time…..💋💋

12/03/2026

Homo Herald News 🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰

🎉🎉The sheer shock of 9 years of the Homo Herald….nonsense….scandal…real life episodes live from the scene….9 years of life you won’t get back🎉🎉

….and so came March….people whispering “white rabbit” for no apparent reason other than to bring some luck for the month….some whispered “Cadburys”…in the hope of crème eggs for the month until realising Easter falls in April. 🐰🍫🥚

Local businesses had been prone to many an artful dodger…barging out of shops with their loot…thieving gaunt faces… four cans of Stella, and an angry shop assistant….others smashing the plastic casing from stolen high value goods…. gurning with glee, lolloping off into the
distance with it tucked under their arm like a demented rugby player 🍻🥩🧀🧟‍♂️

Over at the Co op One Tile Annie was still awol….rumour has it she was busy dusting the hole in a donut down with her mouth whilst the redundant mop looked on 👩🏼‍🌾🍩🛒

The village had bid farewell to roadworks and temporary traffic lights…restoring calm to the roads and enabling the frequent convoy of emergency vehicles to hurtle along uninterrupted….business as usual…the hissing of a double decker….and the impatient hooting of a horn from someone in an Audi….the old Tai Loy Chinese having been vacant for many years reappeared as yet another barber shop…packed with absolutely no heads…begging the question is there enough hair left in Northenden 🚑🚦🚧💈✂️💇🏾‍♂️

Delight as Spring tickled our tastebuds flowers bursting out bringing colour to grey days…the sunrise bringing turkish delight skies…lighter mornings….the moon appearing as a silhouette in the afternoons lighting up that little bit later…and the excitement for the clocks moving one way or the other….confusion at which way….gaining or losing an hour….old wives tales with rhymes on repeat….falling back and springing forward and the reality that popping to the loo in the early hours could transport you in time “one wee or another” ⏰⏱️🕰️🌷🌼💐

Piccolos provided a fabulous venue for Cheshire Pops 70th Birthday….fabulous Italian food ….singing……b**r…cake and swept away in an uber 🍕🍷🎂⚽️🩵

Suzies disappointing dinners…came courtesy of Greece….”Greek flatbread” …instantly declared as flatlining….whipped into two with a sharp knife to half the disappointment before being declared a waste of an appetite as carbs often are and being frisbee’d into the bin 👨🏻‍🍳 🇬🇷

The King and Queen of Cartwheel
Along with Lady P all celebrated another mile on the clock involving spectacular home made works of art baked by Delia D,
a tsunami of drinks, chaos and memory loss ….and the comedy spouses out baring gifts…🎊🎈🎉🍸🍺🍷🍹🍰🧁🎂

On the Close…the gardener had began his zombie mowing season….sunshine saw the clothes airers out in full force….the musicians inconsistent with their opening of curtains and “titting about with flutes” less frequent…train track lee had emerged with his alfresco coffee and laptop…next doors outdoor bathroom took a hammering due to high winds….windcharm relentlessly jangling away more often than Heidi and her herd of goats 🐏🐏🐏🐏🎼🪈👖👕

Homo Herald HQ were planning preparations for warmer days with external decking restoration in hand, first off - giant pot relocation …broken benches and furniture launching from mini hell raisers being first on the agenda along with relocation of young evil kinevil away from our door for a Summer of calm 🚴🏻🍸☀️🕶️

Sport - ⛔️⚽️ No ball games

🔆Weather - Intervals of Pinot Grigio and a good chance of Chardonnay late afternoon 🔆

🎓Educational Corner🎓

🐋If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive….try swimming with sharks…it cost me an arm and a leg! 🦈

Think on❗️

Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡

Just failed my driving test…❗️

When the examiner asked what sign would you expect to see down a country road❓

Apparently……”Fresh eggs for sale” wasn’t the right answer‼️

🔮✨✨🌈✨✨…and now for mystic wife…✨✨🌈✨✨🔮

How to make a Scouse Omelette….

First…you pinch 6 eggs…

Until next time….💋💋

19/02/2026

Homo Herald News 🏳️‍🌈📰🏳️‍🌈📰

…and just like that 2025 was bid farewell with a two fingered salute 🖕🏻🖕🏻

With the end of February looming we found ourselves Galloping through 2026 the Chinese New Year of the Horse. Dark mornings, grey days, icy rain and the afternoons slowly lifting the cloak of darkness earlier day by day. 🇨🇳🐴 🪭🎎

Christmas was a distant memory, rogue baubles lurking under sofas until next time, uneaten sponge puddings congregating in the fridge and the words “new year’s resolution” was just that!! 🎄🍮

Burns Night brought January to a close, with Haggis, all things tartan and nothing Scottish whatsoever from the disappointing Didsbury pub. Valentines Day was next up, with all Romeo’s emerging, flowers doubling in price and the modern day “guess who”…being the game with Bill being flipped down for having a bald head rather than a secret admirer sending a card! 💘💘🥃🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Scheduled hospital trips saw the standard packing of emergency bananas, water and magazines. A woman on reception glazed over whilst a female smack head Russell Grant treated her to her horoscope bordering more horror scope!! 🍌🍌…prediction….no teeth no future….

Winds of change swept through the Village as The Pizzeria disappeared, Alexandros had long gone and as if by magic turned into an ice cream parlour rammed with a shop full of absolutely no one!! V**e and Barber Shops gallore and the unfinished eyesore apartments towering over the street like the Mary Celeste. The brothels shutters were up and down, giving time for bedding to go on a hot wash and the lollopers time to whip on their half mast trousers and adjust their comb overs. 🍕🇬🇷🍦

Bombay Flavours was better than ever with glorious food and two pints of Bombay Bicycle would be enough for anyone to forget they owned one!! 🍛🍺

Kamin Thai had long since lost its previous name awarded by the homos of “two girls on a phone Thai” going back to our maiden voyage with just the pair of us as diners and them oblivious tapping away whilst we braved the famine! Now great service and fabulous food, washed down with ice cold b**r leaving you with the ability to cross the road.🥢🍜

All change on the close with next door moving on to their forever home, the house of Mr Benn opposite with characters never seen before or again coming and going, the slightest bit of sun finding a clothes maiden being whipped out onto the garden with tiny garments from the Chinese family or huge rugs leaning on the bamboo from the Asian family. Suzie red croc made a festive appearance bearing gifts. Periodically the musicians would appear at the top bedroom window busy with their work, known as “titting about with flutes”
involving a desk lamp, dungarees, a musical instrument and a curly haired husband in the background hand on his chin. Next door continued to extend their outdoor bathroom outside the front, a toilet roll holder for a table, a mirror leaning on the outside window, a hammock sofa, 2 wheelie bins and a carpet of mud where the grass once lived - accompanied by the jangling of a wind chime everytime the door opens and plummeting to the floor…..the ring doorbell so loud half the Close thinks they have a visitor 👀🚽🛀🏻🚰🪠

A dash of stalking came into play with a little woolly hatted work man arriving in a small white van, polythene flapping where the passenger side window once sat. Relentlessly stalking to see if various bits needed doing and plucking a price out of nowhere…deja vu a couple of days on a woeful tale of “the scotch fella at the end” - meaning The Old Homo having his ladders in his garage and he couldn’t get them back!!…..assuming exhaling his smoke with every word spoken into my face would seal the deal - the irony of which deeming it suitable to apologise for disturbing me, yet not for entering me into an involuntary to***co version of 🌟 Stars in their Eyes 🌟

Half Term had kicked in, desolate mornings and no school run, no relief from traffic due to endless road works and pop up temporary lights, buses diverted and sailing along in pairs. Over at the Co op One Tile Annie was missing in action along with the wet floor army….all busy doing nothing, sweeping the room with a glance being top of her cleaning schedule 🚦🚌🚌🚗🚕🚧

The winter plague having departed meant the social scene was back into swing with The King and Queen cartwheeling at full throttle, Posh Pat in a flurry of glamorous outfits, and the comedy spouses out and about unintentionally entertaining - Homo HQ armed with tankards and ready to go back into battle 🍺🍷💊

Suzies disappointing dinners…an endless endeavour to choose the wrong thing on a menu declaring in summary “waste of an appetite” this weeks star of the show “mock chicken”
👀🐔

Sport - no ball games ⛔️⚽️

🔆Weather - Heavy spells of cosy and intermittent showers of gluttony 🔆

🎓Educational Corner🎓

A ship from China carrying yo yo’s sank 6 times yesterday

Scouse Comedy Corner 🤡🤡

Last night I had a terrible dream that I had to make a thousand pancakes….

I was tossing and turning all night long…

🔮✨✨🌈✨✨…and now for mystic wife …✨✨🌈✨✨🔮

Viagra….wont make you James Bond but it’ll make you roger more…..

Until next time….💋💋

💜💙🩷😻In Loving Memory of Avon Angie, Johnny be Bad, Jan of No12 and Henry of our Meowing Mafia 😻🩷💙💜 ###x

Homo-Herald

28/08/2026

03/08/2026

26/07/2026

20/05/2026

15/05/2026

18/03/2026

12/03/2026

19/02/2026

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