31/01/2025
Emotional abuse erodes who you are.
When you first enter a relationship, you bring your whole self - your dreams, personality, and natural way of being. You feel free to express your thoughts, share your feelings, and just be you. But in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person, that sense of self gradually erodes, often so subtly you don't notice until you've become someone you barely recognize.
I get messages all the time from people in challenging situations who describe feeling "stuck" or "powerless." They often say they feel like a shell of their former selves, and there's a profound reason for this: Emotional abuse creates a systematic dismantling of who you are, replacing your authentic self with a version that exists mainly to survive.
Think about who you were before the relationship began. You probably had clear boundaries about what you would and wouldn't accept from others. You likely felt confident expressing your needs and standing up for yourself. But emotional abuse doesn't usually start with obvious controlling behavior - it begins with subtle shifts that make you question yourself.
You might notice small changes in how you communicate. Perhaps you start carefully choosing your words to avoid triggering negative reactions. You begin apologizing for things that aren't your fault just to keep the peace. These small adjustments seem harmless at first, but they represent the beginning of a profound transformation.
What makes emotional abuse particularly insidious is the "daily drip-feed" of harmful behaviors - those small, consistent moments that slowly wear away at your sense of self. It's rarely dramatic enough for others to notice, which is why many victims struggle to explain what's happening to friends or family.
This constant erosion happens through seemingly minor incidents. You're made to feel responsible for all relationship problems. Criticism comes disguised as "helping" you improve. Your emotions get dismissed or minimized. You find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. Gradually, you lose confidence in your perceptions and decisions.
Over time, these experiences create what I would describe as an emotional prison, where the abusive partner becomes the prison guard, controlling what you can say or do, either directly through obvious manipulation or indirectly through subtle cues that make you second-guess yourself.
One of the most frustrating aspects of emotional abuse is the inability to make yourself heard. At first, you might try calmly explaining how certain behaviors hurt you. When that doesn't work, you might show emotional vulnerability through tears. You might express sadness or depression. You might even try setting firmer boundaries. Many end up compromising and settling for what is because the solution seems unattainable.
When you never feel heard or understood, and when your hurt feelings are consistently dismissed or turned back on you, something starts to build inside of you. This buildup can cause many victims of emotional abuse to find themselves doing something they never thought they would: becoming reactively abusive. After trying everything else to be heard, some people resort to matching or exceeding the other person's harmful behavior.
While I definitely don't recommend this, it's important to understand why it happens.
Surprisingly, doing reactive abusive behaviors is often when the abusive person finally seems to "hear" you. It's the point where they might suddenly pay attention to you because you are speaking their language.
But this creates a dangerous cycle - while you might finally feel heard, you're also energizing the abusive dynamic, making it likely to escalate.
What's particularly sad is how the abuse cycle becomes your "homeostatic state" - your new normal. You adjust to living in constant stress, always anticipating the next problem.
You shouldn't have to monitor your behavior constantly or worry about triggering negative reactions.
You shouldn't feel responsible for someone else's emotions or live in fear of the next confrontation.
Your natural state should be one where you can be yourself without constant anxiety about consequences. You should be able to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of retaliation or manipulation.
The most profound effect of emotional abuse is how it transforms your relationship with yourself:
-You start doubting your perceptions and memories.
-You feel responsible for things beyond your control.
-You lose touch with your own needs and desires.
-You become someone you don't recognize, feeling trapped in a cycle you can't break.
This transformation doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process where each small compromise, each moment of self-doubt, each instance of accepting unacceptable behavior, builds upon the last until you've lost sight of who you used to be.
Understanding this transformation is critical for breaking free from it. Whether you're still in the relationship or have already left, recognizing *how you've changed* is the first step toward reclaiming yourself.
Remember, the person you were before - the one who wouldn't have accepted this treatment - is still there. That core self hasn't disappeared; it's just been buried under layers of adaptation and survival mechanisms. Though, rebuilding it may require changing parts of who you used to be so that you never get into a situation like that again. But see that as a good thing!
If you are the victim of emotional abuse:
Your feelings are valid. The confusion, pain, and self-doubt you're experiencing are real responses to abusive behavior. You deserve to be heard, respected, and treated with kindness.
If you happen to be the perpetrator of emotionally abusive behaviors:
Your awareness is step one, but taking action toward healing and changing yourself is a critical step two. And real change isn't just about words or promises - it's about consistent behavioral changes that others can see and feel.
True healing requires more than just stopping harmful behaviors. Understanding the root causes of abusive patterns opens the door to developing new, healthy ways to communicate. Trust rebuilds through consistent actions, not promises of future action. Learning to respect boundaries creates safe spaces for authentic expression.
For anyone who needs to hear this: Whether you choose to stay and work on the relationship or leave to focus on your own healing, remember that you deserve to exist in a space where you can be yourself *without fear or constant anxiety.*
**You deserve to be accepted exactly as you are. And if someone can't accept you as you, they are the problem, not you. **
The journey back to yourself might be challenging, but it's worth taking. You deserve to live in your natural state - one where you can express yourself freely, where your feelings are validated, and where you don't have to compromise your authenticity to be accepted.
Remember, the goal isn't just to survive. It's to reclaim your ability to thrive as your authentic self.
Who you were is still there, waiting to emerge again, stronger, wiser, and more empowered than ever.
