Playa-1 the Webcom

17/06/2019

The Double Standard Known As Father's Day.

It's Summer. Smell that freshly mowed grass. The Barbecue Pit is fired up and you can smell the charcoal in the air. Fish may be frying and you can hear the jubilant laughter of children splashing in the backyard pool.

It's the 3rd Sunday of June. Father's Day.....

A day to honor dads for all the hard work and dedication to keeping the ship afloat under turbulent conditions and various circumstances with neck ties, wallets, and white v-neck t-shirts.

The only holiday on record where the person being honored gets tricked into cooking their own meal.

Dad has been craving Barbecue for WEEKS, but Mom thinks the kids would rather have fried fish, so Dad now wants fried fish he has to find 2 hours before lunch....all while manually blowing up a 50 gallon inflatable pool for the kids to play in all in hopes of maybe....MAYBE I cant catch the 9th inning of Sunday Night Baseball. How's that for Dinner Impossible Robert Irvine?!

I probably shouldn't gripe because the screams of men fall on deaf ears or maybe they can't be heard under the roaring laughter of mother's everywhere. So we crawl into our social media chats where we can talk about how Toronto got lucky or the Lakers will be back next season because the only safe haven, the barber shop, is closed because it's a Sunday.

It took many years for this day to be deligitimized through single mothers and social media but now in 2019, some mother's laugh with full throats in regards to the affirmative action holiday. I've now experienced 6 but feel like Charlie Brown anytime a woman tells me Happy Father's Day. I hope you all get Brooms and Dustpans for Mother's Day.

On a serious note, that is just nature. We we're built tough to take it. We were built to be grateful for the Breast Meat in the bucket and not pout if we don't get fancy earring. We were built to not complain if we got another tie and have no collared shirts. Father's Day is a day only a REAL MAN can handle. So after you finished cutting your grass, frying your fish, and blowing up that pool, sit back with a cold beer and don't forget to tell your wife THANK YOU for the privilege.

30/05/2019

YOU KNOW YOU HOOD!

I’ll be honest; I’ve got no words of wisdom today. So here is something I like to call, “YOU KNOW YOU HOOD!” These are in no particular order of wretchedness. Enjoy.

YOU KNOW YOU HOOD! If…

You ever played basketball with socks and sliders on.

You ever turned the radio down in the car when you are lost and/or reading signs on the road.

Your court suit is cleaner than your church suit.

You ever went to multiple restaurants for one meal. Burger King Burger, McDonald’s Fries, and a Wendy’s Frosty.

You were so hungry that just opening the refrigerator door and looking at the food curbed your appetite.

Your toddler has a credit history.

You ever used your old TV as a stand for you new TV.

You have your mother’s last name but you are still called “Junior”.

Your religion is CME (Christmas/Mother’s Day/Easter Sunday).

The theme of your family reunion is “PREVENTING INCEST”.

You ever had to squint to hear something better.

You ever had to put gas from the lawn mower’s gas can into your vehicle to get to the station and fill up.

You ever bummed half a cigarette from someone.

You use old batteries from one device and put them in the remote instead of new ones.

You answered the phone in the living room, went into your bedroom to take that phone off the receiver, went back to the living room and hung that one up, then finally started your conversation in your room.

You were ever told to get off the phone during a thunderstorm.

7up is the end all be all of home remedies.

Refilling your ketchup bottle with loose restaurant packets is a household chore.

You have a collection of expired license plates in the garage.

There is a giant picture of Jesus somewhere inappropriate in your house (like the bathroom or above your parents’ bed).

29/05/2019

11 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW AS A MAN

I never claimed to be The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived. I only drink Dos Equis if you drop a shot of Tequila in it. But I think I’m a Man’s Man. I’m no Lumberjack. I wouldn’t be caught in flannel patterns. But I know how to survive. Therefore I have the authority to list these 11 Things You Need To Know as a Man to Survive. Maybe I will come back and list 11 Things You Need To Know as a Black Man to Survive, but that is an ongoing experiment. Hopefully these 11 Things can help you socially, economically, and mentally.

ANDREW JACKSON

This one is easy. Keep $20 in your pocket at all times. That is enough to cover a meal, put gas in your vehicle, or get a ride home if you are stuck in a bind. $20 might not fix the problem, but it can get you to a place where you can regroup.

SPORTS/WEATHER/CURRENT EVENTS

Know how to maintain a conversation. You can’t go wrong with Sports or the Weather. In a pinch you could talk about current events but STAY AWAY FROM POLITICS AND RELIGION. You never know the one day you run into a diehard TRUMP SUPPORTING MUSLIM. If this does happen, buy a lottery ticket with your $20 or show them their reflection in the mirror and watch them melt where they stand.

MEMORIZE A GOOD JOKE

Jokes are good in social settings, whether at work or with a new set of friends. It breaks the Ice and lets people know that you aren’t a robot. 2 jokes are all you need: 1 Clean, 1 Dirty. Make sure you know what situation to use each joke.

Clean joke: In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Dirty joke: Two guys were talking. The first guy told the second, "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." The second guy said, “Yeah, until last night. Just ask your sister." The first guy said, “I don't have a sister." To which the second guy replied, "You will in about nine months."

NETWORK

Keep a list of contacts that know how to take care of the things you don’t know how to maintain like a Mechanic, a Tech Guy, a Handy Man, or her Husband.

HAVE A HUSTLE

Every man must have 2 hustles or skills that can allow them to make money at any given time, preferably, one blue collar and one white collar. Most importantly both hustles in a perfect world should be legal and not embarrass their mother. Sorry bootleggers.

MASTER ONE GOOD MEAL

Every man needs one go to dish. Whether you are trying to impress a date, have something for the cookout, or just break up the monotony of using the microwave, perfect one meal. A sandwich is not a meal. Jesus did not have a Subway platter at the Last Supper.

ONE BLACK SUIT

Invest in one black suit for Interviews, Weddings, and Funerals. Don’t wait until you are laying inside of a coffin to be caught dead in one.

ALWAYS BE READY FOR S*X

If you are going out in public for any type of scheduled engagement, Shower, Shave, and Dress appropriately. Whether you are in a car accident or on a blind date, you never know who is going to have to remove your clothes, professionally or for recreation. Taking an impromptu hand soap bath probably won’t get you over. I’ve been married 11 years and plotting when I get lucky is like charting a hurricane’s path, before you know it you are overwhelmed by the storm.

ONE MOVE

I’ll keep this one short and sweet. Like with cooking, perfect one move. You can experiment but every man has to have a go-to move or else you might not get another at-bat if you know what I mean. Car rides are good but if you never get to your destination, it doesn’t matter how long the drive is.

LEARN HOW TO FIGHT

There are two types of fights and you will have to address them accordingly. There are fights that you start and fights that are started for you. Fights that you start occur when you are angry or been planning for a while. You have a perfect stance with feet should width apart, you are bobbing and weaving, you are circling your opponent, and you are trying to establish the jab. For the most part you are trying to look good in front of your girl or the video that is being broadcast on social media. 3 minutes have gone by and no one has thrown a punch, it’s essentially a Floyd Mayweather fight.

You can tell when a fight is started for you because you are probably overmatched from the start. You are either defending someone else (reluctantly) or you have been set up. The guy is probably twice as big as you. Now you have to go into survival mode. You are flailing your arms, kicking, biting, and scratching like a cat being given a cold bath. Weapons are allowed. You are basically fighting long enough to get away and curse somebody out for dragging you into that fight. That conversation always ends with, “Why didn’t you talk to that guy that whipped your ass like that?!”

DON’T OVERSTAY YOUR WELCOME

In any situation, have the social awareness to know when to leave. Whether it is a simple conversation or 11AM the next morning in someone’s bed, never stay long enough to where someone has to make up an excuse to leave. That’s embarrassing for all parties. Remove yourself first, always leave others wanting more, think ahead and plan for the next encounter.

CONCLUSION

Although there are many more unwritten guy codes out there, hopefully these 11 things are a start and help to improve your overall well-being and manliness.

28/05/2019

DON’T PROPOSE TO MY SONS

TO MY POTENTIAL DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

You are probably a sweet young lady, mature, and ready to settle down, but DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. I just can’t believe that somehow, some way, shape or form that ANY ADULT in your household growing up didn’t sit down and have a conversation about why this isn’t the best idea. My sons aren’t (expletive).

REWIND

Ok, that doesn’t sound very progressive, probably downright misogynistic to an extent but follow me here. That type of thought is someone using an ILLOGICAL method to solve a LOGICAL problem.

Well Playa, maybe the man is shy, he’s an introvert, and he’s had commitment issues in the past.

His Problem, His Problem, His Problem.

However…How shy can a man really be if he has kids, a baby momma, and he living with you?

I know that may be the extreme case…

No, the extreme case is if y’all have kids together too and he still has all of these mental ailments.

FEMINISM

To me feminism is more about being in control of yourself and not necessarily the general situation. Feminism is about promoting self-awareness, positivity, growth and empowering one’s self by not taking crap from anybody. Role reversals doesn’t equate to Feminism. Feminism in my opinion would look more like Abstinence and Single Professionals than Overbearing baby mothers/divorcees and Male Bashing Cougars. Again, only my opinion but I believe Feminism as a whole can never reach its full potential if you can’t get 100% agreement among all females on what feminism is to them. Until then, the only difference between the Race Card and the Feminism Card is that one is Pink and smells like LoveSpell. I’ll save that discussion for another day when I can by a Professional Grade Gas Mask for all the Smoke coming this way.

BACK TO PROPOSING TO MY DEADBEAT SONS

Proposing to my son won’t:

A) Make him a MAN
B) Strengthen your relationship
C) Guarantee he won’t cheat on you
D) Stop people from talking about you

It won’t even increase your self-esteem because you are probably going to have to pay for the wedding and set his alarm the day of.

Cut your losses. Find someone who wants you, who will pursue you, who will propose to you. I’ve never seen a man not go after what he wants. Proposing to him devalues you as a good woman that wants to do right and increases his value as an overrated sack of testosterone. Don’t overthink this. Men are simple, we aren’t stupid.

Don’t bargain by settling for him take care of his own kids while you work your construction job and works on Leveling up in Fortnite and making his Grammy Award Winning Mixtape, because that’s a fair deal.

One of these days you may want to be a textbook woman again and stay home but by then it will be your fault for softening the man up, but I would love to be a fly on the wall during that argument.

Role Reversals will never be a reality until a man can have a baby. For now, you are just pulling double duty. That isn’t Feminism. That is the same old misogyny remixed for the new generation. You are making extra effort for the same mediocre results. You are Russell Westbrook. Don’t take that as an insult, I LOVE RUSSELL WESTBROOK. But he isn’t a winner as defined by society.

So think about that while you are pumping gas while my son sits in the passenger side looking at Instagram Models on his phone. Think about that while you are changing a flat tire or cutting grass while he comes outside and offers you a cold can of lemonade with his wife be**er, basketball shorts, socks and sliders on. Think about it while you are overworked but he needs to have a Guys Night Out because he has cabin fever.

LAST WARNING

If my son can’t find your daddy/stepdaddy/grandfather to ask for your hand in marriage, subsequently propose to you, and make an honest woman out of you so that everyone in that house has the same last name, SAVE YOURSELF! I guess by now another 20 years in my house won’t hurt. Plus, I failed him, you shouldn’t have to be punished, I am probably dying on the inside already.

23/05/2019

I’m still recovering from Strep Throat on Last Friday but needed to push some content. No one wants to hear me sounding like a Black Male Fran Drescher in an initial video so why not just post some random thoughts to hold you over.

INTELLIGENCE, EXPERIENCE, WISDOM

There is a difference between Intelligence, Experience, and Wisdom.

Intelligence is the ability to voluntarily assimilate information for one’s own purpose. Intelligence literally makes you a Smartass as described in the previous sentence. Intelligence enables you to impress your friends, those who care, and possibly live a more efficient life. Intelligence tells you that a tomato is a fruit.

Intelligence is great but in most cases intelligent people know just enough to sound stupid in the presence of someone with Experience.

Experience gets a good laugh at Intelligence and spends countless hours being entertained by holes in logic or the failures of someone with Intelligence getting past their main point because there is no depth. Experience loves letting Intelligence know how much they don’t know because….Well…. because Experience kept reading past the first sentence of the Wikipedia article after a failed attempt. Experience is Intelligence five minutes from now. Experience tells you that tomatoes don’t belong in a fruit salad because they tried bringing it to The Cookout and now they will never be invited back along with Karen and her Raisin Potato Salad.

If Experience is five minutes ahead of Intelligence, Wisdom is about a day ahead Experience.

Wisdom has just the right amount of patience and perfect timing to allow Intelligence and Experience do the job for them. Attaining Wisdom acquires so much information, data and tests, that the only way to perfect wisdom is two-fold: Sit Back and to Allow Others To Screw Things Up.

Intelligence reads the headlines of the newspaper article.

Experience reads the entire article.

Wisdom knows that everything you need to know about the article is in the comments.

Intelligence memorizes the speed trap locations. Gets stopped by the police for speeding.

Experience memorizes the speed traps and buys a radar detector. Gets stopped by the police for speeding.

Wisdom tails the police while they are in pursuit of Intelligence and Experience for speeding.

3 Roommates live in an apartment:

Roommate #1 is works for WAITR. He has no car.

Roommate #2 works for UBER. He gets paid solely to drive Roommate #1 around for his deliveries.

Roommate #3 sits at home all day…He owns the car.

Intelligence, Experience, Wisdom.

As far as The Cookout…Wisdom brings Paper Products to The Cookout…Always Bring Paper Products…You will be a Hero!

18/05/2019

One more classic. Shoutout to my boy The Superstar Cymande Hayes. Lifestyles of the Rich and Hayes. Ever knew a guy that was an icon...a Ghetto Superstar....

LTW.COM stops in for a day in the life of the Superstar Cymande Hayes. (Music by Drake feat. Fabulous - Throw It In The Bag remix

18/05/2019

Another oldie but goodie. This was my spoof of an out of shape trainer shooting an infomercial. Unfortunately the cameras didn't stop after CUT!

The Perfect Tee is an infomercial starring a young Ryan O'neal before he became "The Perfect Piece" in LTW.

18/05/2019

Here is a throwback to the L.T.W. wrestling eFED. My character Playa-1 cuts a promo on his rival SYCHO Sauce by doing a public access cooking show spoof.

Enjoy!!

VINTAGE VIDEO OF THE PHILADELPHIA KING OF SPICE HOT SAUCE BEFORE HIS LTW CAREER BEGAN!