Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist

10/12/2025

From the archives...

"Hi, Carolyn! I’m a later-50s lady who has just committed to getting a facelift in a few weeks. Deep down, I do want this, but I’m struggling with feelings of shame and embarrassment — as in, am I monstrously vain?

Part of the picture is that I had some terrible dermatologic treatments as a young person and a very rocky young adulthood. I got my feet under me later in life, and I guess I want to turn back the clock just a bit. I’m not seeking to look decades younger or not like myself. If I were speaking to a friend in a similar situation, I would have understanding and compassion for them. I judge myself more harshly, and I’m feeling a lot of embarrassment. Should I just accept how my face and body are changing with the years?"

— Snow White’s Stepmother?

If her friend were getting a facelift, she would be understanding. So why is she judging herself?

09/12/2025

Today's column, ever so slightly delayed...

"Dear Carolyn: My husband and I named our daughter “Jane,” after school counselor “Miss Jane,” who saved me daily in small ways from my alcoholic, abusive parents. I told my husband early on that if we had a daughter, I wanted her to be named Jane. He has always been supportive.

My father-in-law has let it be known that he hates the name. He grew up with a Jane and hates her to this day. He brings up stories about the horrible Jane repeatedly. Jane is 18 months old, and the stories haven’t stopped. My husband told him to stop, and now my father-in-law does not tell these stupid stories or reference horrible Jane in his presence. Just mine.

When he calls to our daughter, he does so with this taunting tone, as if he were calling the horrible Jane from his childhood.

My father-in-law still works a full-time job, golfs regularly and jogs. He is not elderly in any way. This can’t be blamed on his being old.

My daughter doesn’t need to be low-key bullied by her grandfather each time her name is called. My husband contends this will go away if we ignore it, and I disagree.

I don’t know how to go about this without an ultimatum. I will no longer allow our daughter to be in his presence if he can’t change. Either my husband speaks to him or I do.

Is that okay? Or is there another way to go about it? Other than this name thing, my father-in-law is loving to our daughter, and she squeals with joy when she sees him."

— O.M.G.

Carolyn's advice:

Letter writer wants to give father-in-law an ultimatum about “taunting” use of toddler daughter’s name.

09/12/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My dad is a self-made man, truly. Grew up in a very poor, dangerous neighborhood with alcoholic parents. Now is quite wealthy. He believes his three kids should be financially responsible for our own lives and any gifts to us are perks, meaning we could still be financially secure if they were to stop. He gives us two all-expenses-paid trips each year, pays for private school tuition for our children, and frequently gives us gift cards or money to “go enjoy yourselves.”

My husband and I are both employed with decent incomes, but nothing spectacular. It is a little weird in the private school milieu because it is clear we are not as wealthy; our kids wonder if they fit in but ultimately love their school. They’re both in middle school.

My husband took it upon himself — no warning — to ask my dad for money! Ahhhhhh!!!

I tell my dad all the time that we don’t need his money and we are grateful for the kids’ educations. I heard about it from my dad.

My dad was white-hot mad. When I asked my husband about it — I’ll admit I was not calm — my husband returned my anger, saying we deserve to fit in better with the private-school folks."

— Out of Line

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/3MQpv7S
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

08/12/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I have been searching for work for over a year. I have had some health issues that made it difficult to work, and I am getting help for those issues.

I live with relatives, and I find it hard to be without work for so long when they know my business.

Additionally, I find it hard to meet new people and network when, invariably, the question of employment arises, as in “What do you do for work?”

I do have some interviews approaching, and I think I will be employed shortly. In the meantime, how do I deal with feeling a bit inadequate with the employment situation?"

— Feeling Inadequate

Solutions to both problems are in progress. In the meantime, how does the letter writer push through difficult conversations?

07/12/2025

"Hello, Carolyn: My stepdaughter won’t allow me to see her children, 6 and 8. I bent over backward for 11 years trying to be supportive and generous to her and then her children, but she acts entitled and ungrateful.

Last summer I blew it and told her off. That was the end of my loving relationship with her and the grandkids I adore.

I know it is largely my fault for not speaking up sooner on how I would like to be treated. My husband, a dear, won’t get involved in trying to repair the relationship. Of course, I have apologized to his daughter for being so harsh. Please help."

— Anonymous

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4pgqcWB
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

06/12/2025

"Hi, Carolyn: I didn’t date for years and years. I was raising a child on my own, and I had a full life of friends and fun, and it wasn’t a big deal to me that I didn’t date. Once my child went to college, my girlfriends encouraged me to go on the apps — and by encourage, I mean they set up the profile and swiped, and I just showed up for dates. I went out with dozens of men, met one I liked, and we’ve been seeing each other for almost two years.

It was a big experience to sleep next to someone and to feel love again. I’m really grateful to my friends for pushing me into dating because a lot of this has been great.

But not all. I bring a lot of color and lightness into this man’s life, but I don’t feel like I’m getting much in return. He doesn’t say he loves me. He doesn’t say I’m beautiful. I’ve read the books he’s given me, but he does not read any of the books I give him. I’ve gone to concerts of bands he likes, but he won’t come with me to hear music I like. I’ve spent time with his kids and siblings and friends, and I’ve actively engaged them in conversation to get to know them. He’s spent time with my people and largely remained silent. We split the check, though his annual bonus is more than my salary.

I’ve talked to him about how I feel, but he’s not interested in or capable of (not sure which) engaging in these conversations.

I think this relationship has been a great experience, but it’s enough already. I didn’t feel lonely when I was single, but lately I feel lonely quite a bit. I’d like to move on to the next phase of my life.

But my friends, who got me into this, are skeptical. He’s a good man, they say. He has a stable job. He has never been to jail, he doesn’t yell or hit, and even if he doesn’t tell me he loves me, he clearly loves me (they say). They know what’s out there in the middle-aged dating pool, and they know he’s the best of it. He’s boring and a bit self-involved, sure, but he’ll pick me up from my colonoscopy. He makes me coffee and toast in the morning. He’s not the worst.

Dump this guy, they say, and it’s not likely I’ll find someone better.

Is it better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t give me everything? I debated this a year ago, decided to stay, and now I’m here in the same place again."

— Anonymous

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4rx5T8O
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

05/12/2025

Carolyn is chatting live in 1 hour! If you happen to have some questions about impending holiday gatherings (or ones that just passed), drop them in the chat for Carolyn 👀

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.

04/12/2025

"Dear Carolyn: We have two friends we’ve known for over a decade. They recently separated and are getting a divorce. He moved out two months before the oldest child graduated from high school with what we perceive as no warning.
Neither of them will tell anyone why they’re getting divorced. When we’ve asked them individually, or other people in the friend group have, they just say they don’t want to talk about it. It’s really awkward hanging out, since it’s a giant elephant in the room. To be married for 20-plus years and then just stop? We wonder if we ever really knew these people to start with.

What do you think would be the best thing to do?"

— You’re Really Not Telling Me?

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/3###hG4
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

02/12/2025

"Dear Carolyn: How do you navigate co-parenting a teen who is wicked smart but seemingly without motivation? My 17-year-old junior signed up for four AP classes this year, even after a good conversation about the amount of work they are and his not-great track record of turning in schoolwork. He thought he could handle it.
Here we are at the second quarter, and lo and behold, he’s struggling to keep up. I’m not in I-told-you-so mode, I promise! I am trying to be collaborative, asking how we can handle things here at my house to make it easier for him to focus (should probably mention ADHD). Those conversations always feel productive in terms of treating each other with respect, but … less effective at actually getting work done.

I am solidly of the opinion that, within reason, he should reap both the rewards AND the consequences of his decisions, and if an F is the consequence of not doing the work, well. His dad is much more aggressive at his house, and frequently my son comes back to me after a row with his dad over his lackluster performance.
Dad and I manage decently well at co-parenting except for this one area. I feel like Dad is worried more how all this reflects on HIM and not as interested in who his child really is. I can relate to my kid’s struggles, having had similar problems — and also possibly being neurodivergent, too — but Dad thinks if he just lectures enough, it will finally sink in.

My son can completely articulate what will happen if he fails a class and what will happen to his college and job prospects if his GPA tanks. What’s the point of repeating it ad nauseam?

I am also trying to be a safe place, but his dad thinks I’m doing absolutely nothing. I’m fine telling Dad to stuff it about the “nothing” I’m doing, because I’ve been advocating hard for my kid since kindergarten — but any thoughts on navigating this? I use what few levers I have to encourage getting the work done, but he’s 17, and I can’t exactly tie him to a chair."

— Co-Parent of an Unmotivated Teen

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/3M5p1uj
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

01/12/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My husband and I (a gay man) have a 4-year-old biracial son. “James” has been at the same preschool since he was 2 and is best friends with another boy, “Kyle.” We adore Kyle’s family and have facilitated lots of playdates. Kyle’s family is Black, and it’s important to us that James has BIPOC and biracial friends, since we live in a small city that is welcoming but is majority White. We always figured that James would go to public school, as we want to support public education.

Kyle’s family is planning to send Kyle to a fancy K-12 private school that Kyle’s older brother attends. Kyle’s family has mentioned to us many times how much they adore the school, how generous it has been with financial aid, and how eager it is to be both more diverse and actively anti-racist.

We can easily picture James and Kyle in school together their whole careers, and I’m comforted that they could help each other through microaggressions and possible tokenism together. However, we also worry that Kyle’s family could move, or that any number of other things could transpire to make it seem crazy to consider sending our kid to a school we wouldn’t have otherwise considered just because of one other kid.

What do you think? We are a gay biracial family, so we overthink a lot."

— Picturing It

Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4pCPDBE
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

30/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I have always found the holidays to be a massive pain in the neck, and I have little interest in participating. This is not a new thing; I’m 30, and I’ve always felt that way. Like Scrooge, I’ve always been happy to let others keep Christmas in their way and for me to not keep it in mine.

Two years ago, I was married. Our engagement happened over a Christmas season, so my wife was well aware before she married me that I’m not the Christmas type.
Well, you guessed it, she is insistent that I help pick out and decorate a tree, put up Christmas decorations, attend holiday events, and buy a bunch of Christmas gifts. I’ve told her point-blank that I will not do it. I’ve told her SHE is welcome to buy and decorate as many trees as she wants, but I’m not helping with it. This has led to a couple of arguments, tears and claims that I’m selfish. She’s not speaking to me after I told her yesterday that I wasn’t planning to be home for the big party she’s planning to throw.

To me, Christmas is like religion: Practice it if you want, but don’t nag other people to practice it with you, and don’t try to change people who are (or were) happy with their lives as they are.

So who’s right here?"

— Scrooge

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/43RnluB
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

29/11/2025

"Dear Carolyn: Two years ago, my in-laws asked me and my husband if we wanted them to help us buy a house. They had asked before and we said no, but at this point we were ready to start building community roots, so we said yes please. With their help, we bought a house we love(d), a cozy four-bedroom house in a progressive suburb.

On a visit a few months later, my mother-in-law tutted over the two bedrooms we turned into our offices, commenting that “it will be hard to repurpose these for babies when it’s time.” At no point have we ever indicated that we plan to have children, and in fact we do not plan to, which we had to tell her then.

Carolyn, she was so upset that it was shocking. Though my father-in-law helped defuse, she bawled violently at this news and informed us that she felt like she had bought us a house under false pretenses. She eventually collected herself but was subdued for the rest of the planned visit, another day and a half.

It has been about 18 months since then, and our relationship is now chilly. I feel uncomfortable inviting them to our home because now I feel like they think we don’t deserve it. I find it hurtful to know they wanted us to have a nice house not so that we could enjoy our own lives, but to enrich their grandchildren. And at some level, I feel like we stole from them, even though it’s ridiculous.

Every week, I tell my husband I think we should sell the house, give them some of the proceeds and go back to apartment living. He says I’m nuts and to ignore his mom’s dramatics. But did we do something wrong here?"

— Hurt

Carolyn's advice: https://wapo.st/4iqQDpW
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis