Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist

15/07/2025

"Hi, Carolyn: My wife and I were talking about sexual assault, continuing a family conversation about what goes on at college. I said something like “present company excepted,” and she kind of pointedly said nothing.

Now this worries me. We talk about almost everything, but I hesitate to ask — *did* this happen to her? Should I even bring it up?

She’s been through therapy for other matters, so I’m sure she’s dealt with anything that needs dealing with, but … what’s my role here? I want to be supportive but not open up old wounds."

— Anonymous

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/44UbX0S
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

14/07/2025

"Hello, Carolyn: My mother and I have always had an intense relationship. She is very critical and controlling, and at every visit, eventually she says some barbed things. I get defensive, we argue, and it spoils the whole visit.

As she gets older, I feel guilty that I cannot contain my emotions when she (inevitably) becomes negative and/or has something to say — usually some form of what I need to fix about myself. I wish I had the cool to let it roll off my back, but apparently I’m too emo for that.

When she isn’t being critical, she can be quite funny, charming and enjoyable to be around.

There is no discussing my issues with her. When I’ve tried in the past, she explains her comments as justified and the argument becomes unproductive, with her just ranting and me not able to get a word in edgewise.

I guess I feel bad because my dad also becomes a victim of my distancing. I’m always worried I will regret not trying harder knowing she probably has a personality disorder.

Since she was a great mother to me during early childhood, I feel I owe her. Do I change my perspective, or am I right in maintaining boundaries to protect myself?"

— Too Emo for That

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3ImKlK2
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

13/07/2025

Every time they get ill, their boyfriend fakes being sick. What should they do?

13/07/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I have an older sister, “Amy,” who was prettier and more outgoing than I was, so I kind of lived in her shadow, but I adored her and she was always my best friend growing up. Her sophomore year of college, I found out from a friend at her school that she was doing drugs and her boyfriend was a dealer.

She’d secretly dropped half her courses and was barely passing the rest. I offered to find her some help, but she just ridiculed me. As things worsened, I was worried about her, so I told our parents. She lied and said I’d made the whole thing up because I was so jealous of her. My parents believed her and even said I might need therapy for telling a lie that big, until she was arrested a few months later and the whole truth came out.

For years following, she kept lying, stole so much money from me, wrecked my car and said/did many other horrible things to me. I moved away and cut her out of my life. She skipped out on her treatment program and got arrested again.
Last year, Amy completed rehab and is supposedly clean. She also had a baby last month, has minimal support from the father and is back living with my parents.

They want me to forgive and forget and be part of my nephew’s life, but I see it as insisting I give Amy another chance to hurt me. I still have so much resentment against her. I don’t want to take it out on her son, but I can’t stand the thought of being around her. She never apologized or tried to make amends for all she put me through, and I’m not sure I could ever trust her again.

Is it even worth trying to be a part of my nephew’s life when I feel that way about his mom?"

— Distrustful

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3GBzV8O
Cartoon by Galifianakis

12/07/2025

"Dear Carolyn: When our parents downsized to a more manageable home, my four adult siblings and I effectively lost our gathering spot. Add kids growing up and busy weekends, and it seems as though we’ve drifted apart.

There were certainly existing tensions between a few members and in-laws, but we still made it a point to get together and celebrate occasions or just hang out. I miss them sometimes, but I also sometimes don’t, and I am not sure how to process it.

Is this what happens over time to well-meaning but busy families? Some of us still get together with our closest sibling or where our kids are close. We’re a Brady Bunch and have gravitated to our biological family members.

Eventually, we will need to collaborate to care for our parents, so I do feel some effort is needed to maintain relationships. But if they aren’t reaching out, should I? I’ve been the default coordinator throughout the years, but our house is too small to host, and I am burned out in general so have little left to give."

— Set Adrift

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3IlkHoZ
Cartoon by Galifianakis

11/07/2025

Carolyn Hax is going live in one hour! Pressing questions? General life advice? Drop your questions in the chat.

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers your questions about the strange train we call life.

11/07/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I have been with my wife for nine years, married almost two. However, we got married in a small ceremony with just a couple of witnesses. She now wants a $45,000 wedding just so she can wear her wedding dress in front of her friends and family.

My family are not her fans and have actively asked me to leave her because of how expensive and attention-needy she is. I am in mountains of debt because of her, mainly because I want to support her and have difficulty saying no.

I need to cancel this wedding and don’t know how to break it to her. If I cancel, then she will probably leave me and I will be divorced again. Any advice?"

— Suffering in Silence

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/44ByfUS
Cartoon by Nick Galifianakis

10/07/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I just talked with my daughter-in-law. Her senior in high school has recently told them he is transgender. She and his father are supportive and understanding, but she is having a difficult time processing her feelings about what she had thought his life would be. He’s her first. Any recommendations on how to process this change in her life’s expectations?"

— Grandparent

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3Ilwpjt
Cartoon by Galifianakis

09/07/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I am a gay man, and my husband and I married five years ago. My family was happy, and everyone attended except my sister’s husband.
Neither he nor my sister RSVP’d, and it wasn’t until I called her a week before the wedding that I learned he wasn’t attending for religious reasons and she was feeling torn between him and me. In tears, she asked me how I reconcile my marriage with the Bible. I felt both insulted and as if I needed to justify my existence.

I explained to her how I felt: that if we humans have room to love each other as we are, then God certainly does, too. That helped her, and she attended. Only later did I learn he made her feel like she had done something wrong by attending. We understand that some people don’t agree with gay marriage, but that upset us, and that he did not even acknowledge the invitation or have a conversation with us.

Family get-togethers were awkward for about a year after that, until he pulled me aside to say my getting married to a man was the cause of the “whole problem.” He also said he felt it would have dirtied him to attend the wedding.

I took a few weeks, then told my sister I wanted to continue my relationship with her and her children but no longer wanted to be around her husband. She completely understood and agreed.

For a couple of years now, I have not attended family events where he is present. I meet separately with my sister and her children to celebrate birthdays and holidays. It has worked well for me, and no one has complained.

However, my nephew’s graduation party, at my sister’s house, has me feeling torn on whether to make an exception.

If it were at a neutral ground, I might go, I was thinking. But how far do I take it? What if my nephew gets married in his parents’ backyard someday? Do I skip that, too? I fear staying away might hurt him or make an event about me.

At some point, I’m really missing out. In a way, I already am. I truly grieved family events as I knew them. But I also learned I no longer want to do things that make me feel lousy to make other people feel good.

I’d appreciate your advice on how to draw the line for future family events."

— M.

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/4lE9HkT
Cartoon by Galifianakis

08/07/2025

"Dear Carolyn: I’m in a dead-end job — adjunct teaching — in a smallish town married to a person who has lost all his curiosity, and we have kids. I don’t know how to fix any of it: I’m not going to get hired full time, since they hire Ivy grads for full-time tenure-track jobs. I don’t know how to make my spouse curious and have intellectually stimulating conversations with him again — our schedules misalign, and he plays a lot of video games. The kids are grand, and I love them to pieces, but it often feels like all I do is feed/launder/ferry them around.

My friends are nice but busy, and our interests don’t overlap much. For example, they’re into church stuff and classical music, and I’m … not. Mostly I just feel like all this is drudgery, and I’m so bored and unfulfilled.

Is there a fix that doesn’t involve blowing it all up? I don’t think I’d be happy doing that, either."

— Just Unhappy

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3TqyxZu
Cartoon by Galifianakis

07/07/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My twin brother lives only 30 minutes away by Metro, but I never see him. If I need something, he’s there for me, usually by offering money rather than a direct hand in things. I am grateful, but I wish we could meet a couple of times a year and catch up, or even just talk.

I’ve tried to invite him to go out and do things, but it goes over like a lead balloon. He and I share memes and clips a few times a week, but there’s no real communication. I never know what’s going on in his life.

How can I break the holding pattern and encourage regular check-ins without encroaching on him?"

— Reconnecting

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/3I9cNPl
Cartoon by Galifianakis

06/07/2025

"Dear Carolyn: My mother died two years ago after two years battling cancer. My father, 64, was able to retire very comfortably to care for her, with me sharing the burden. I also have a sister who stepped in when she could.

I, 38, male, have been super fortunate in that my parents have always been some of my closest friends. After my mother died, my dad fell into a relationship with a woman 20 years his junior who has 12 children and five grandchildren. They’ve recently wed and found a house that suits them. (They currently live apart.)

My struggle is: My father is doing a full reinvention. Just prior to the wedding, which I officiated, Dad called me to take my mother’s remains, since his new wife wanted my mother “dealt with” prior to the big day. He plans to get a dumpster to throw out things “like photo albums” that he doesn’t want to take.

His completely discarding all parts of his life with my mother — outside of me and my sister — doesn’t sit well with me. It also feels like he’s discarding his status as my father and relying just on our friendship.

Any advice on how to manage this as both his best friend and his son? I’d like to save some form of a relationship, but I’m really not sure if it’s possible."

— 1/2 to 1/14

For Carolyn's response: https://wapo.st/40A25Yq
Cartoon by Galifianakis