
28/06/2025
Richard Simmons—Split Pea Soup
1996
Prelude:
I loved him. I knew Richard for twenty-five years and worked with him for twenty. Our timeline doesn’t match up because we took a break from each other after he fired me the second time. He swore he didn’t, but he did. Well, maybe I did quit that second time. No matter. I loved him. Always will. As I wrote this story, I realized I could write a book just about all my times with Richard.
Split Pea Soup
Theresa washed the old celery and passed to me. Slightly limp, but fine for soup. I dice the whole head but eat the tiny tender inside stalks. I love the flavor of the leaves.
Richard Simmons was on tippy toes looking over my shoulder… he’s telling me that “celery is practically a free food. Denisey, by the time you chew and swallow, the calories are gone. Parsley is another free food. We can use as much as we like.”
I don’t measure the olive oil. A generous pour, probably 2 tablespoons, to cover the heavy bottom of my favorite soup pot. The outside of the copper pot desperately needs to be cleaned. I grabbed it in a hurry from my studio.
“Ugh,” I thought to myself, “don’t look at the outside. He’ll notice.”
A moment later Richard said, “Denisey, you need to polish that soup pot.” I knew it was coming. He never missed a beat.
“Yes,” I murmur to myself. Really thinking, “let’s just get through this tasting.”
Richard was not an easy client, but without a doubt the most generous I had ever worked with.
And damn if he wasn’t entertaining.
____________
I interrupt this story with this tidbit, to prove my point.
On a different Saturday morning, I arrived for coffee at Richard’s. He had just seen the movie Evita, starring Madonna. He was a human electrical outlet, practically throwing sparks, from remembering the music. He preceded to act out his favorite scenes. Me, sitting at his kitchen table, Richard acting in front of his big Wolf stove. He needed a bigger kitchen.
I saw the only performance of Richard impersonating Madonna playing Evita.
Had I known this performance was happening that morning, I would have dressed up or at least worn a string of pearls!
Honestly, I think Richard was better than Madonna. And without costumes, only his sweatpants and a simple white T- shirt. He could sing and dance and still make me his New Orleans coffee.
I caught up with him after the dark chicory brew laced with condensed milk hit my bloodstream. Hot jolt of energy. The coffee bitter and sweet like his performance.
A rare moment in history, and me the only witness.
____________
Back to my story. We were tasting new recipes; Richard was high energy. Like a speed boat at full throttle. Bouncing off the walls of his kitchen. Sometimes his excitement turned to agitation; never good for any of us. He needed a job, so I gave him the printed recipes and a sharp pencil.
“Make notes Richard,” I offer. He’s an artist, he’ll doodle. I remained calm.
His assistant, M, had joined us to take pictures. She was a beacon of steadiness. I often wondered if she took Va**um. How often? Hourly? And how much? And which doctor prescribed it? There was envy in those questions.
Richard often remarked how calm I was… “Denisey are you a Buddhist?”
“No, Richard, I’m a lapsed Catholic who can hardly wait for our tasting to be done so I can drink my glass of wine out of your blender top! But one of us has to remain calm! And today it’s me.”
It was always me. I got paid to stay calm.
He laughed and moved on to the pitchers of water. “Don’t drink water too cold, your body cells hate cold water…”
I liked cold water. I tossed out the ice cubes. Never mind.
I added one large, chopped onion to my soup pot with the diced celery. The sizzle of the oil and the vegetables. Coated them with a thorough stir.
Richard, “You didn’t need that much oil! Next time, use the spray.”
I don’t want to use that nasty spray. I pretend I don’t hear him.
The pot smells like every kitchen I have ever worked in: onions browning in hot oil. That’s the reward for chopping. That’s the pleasure I got from my stove.
Added the colander of rinsed split green peas. Eight ounces; the small bag.
Let the peas toast with the vegetables for five minutes. Low, low heat so the peas don’t stick as they release their sugar. I used to soak the peas in water overnight, now just rinse and sauté them. It’s quicker cooking.
My mother always warned me about tiny rocks in with the peas, sifting her fingers through the peas. I wish she had warned me about s*x, men, co***ne and booze. I’ve been safe from the peas.
I covered the pot and to let the vegetables sweat. There is a French word for sweat but I’ve forgotten it. Put on the cover. Voila; sweat.
Poured the 2-quart boxes of stock into the pot. Always better if you have homemade stock but Richard’s target market, his followers, needed simple. Most were learning how to cook and eat healthier. Richard answered over a thousand emails a day. Many from the morbidly obese.
“I’m changing their habits for success Denisey.”
He preached about the selfcare in cooking. He tried to teach them how to balance their fats and calories.
Cooking was the contrast to drive-thru food and being handed a bag of high calories. Love yourself when you plan your meals.
Let the vegetables, peas and stock meld and become soup. Low heat. Peas done in an hour.
I diced up a small slice of ham and swung it in a separate hot pan. The thin fat cap melted itself. I watched black specs appear on the pink bits. I knew this was a change to Richard’s cooking.
Richard peered at the ham… “Is that low-fat ham?”
“Yes,” I answer, “the pig was on a diet when he passed.”
“We’ll need the calorie count Denisey. “
“I know, Richard. This is a tiny amount of ham compared with the amount of peas and broth. Nutritious and delicious. You’ll be surprised how low-fat this soup is!” I said as I added the ham to the soup pot. “And with the ham, we don’t have to use any salt. Just black pepper, Richard.”
We discussed the ham addition weeks ago in a pre-pro meeting. If he pulled the ham, we’d be back to the boring mush in his last cookbook. I did not write those recipes. I bit my tongue.
I started prepping recipe two.
Richard liked the soup. I knew the ham would stay when he tasted it.
Richard had hired me to style his cookbooks, recipe cards, TV appearances and giveaways, but he’d always used a nutritionist to write his recipes. Unfortunately, the last batch of recipe cards did not get good reviews. I had tried to warn him. The recipes were nonfat and low sugar junk mixed together. So many chemicals. My kitchen staff called them ‘chemical ponds’ and our diagnosis was the recipes had been slapped together but not tested. They needed work.
But not before I sent a FAX to the nutritionist telling her she could lick my ass and her recipes would have tasted better.
I know, I was wrong. I should have said butt.
That was the first time I was fired.
But, when the recipes got bad reviews via Richard’s website, I was back on the team.
I insisted we cook with real food. “Richard, real food.”
Today we were testing the new recipes. Ten recipes, tested, written, shopped for. The pea soup approved. One down, nine to go.
I check the refrigerator to make sure Theresa has chilled the wine.