26/10/2025
SHOTS FIRED
Why You Shouldn’t Settle in Blantyre
1️⃣ It’s the headquarters of broke people. You can smell financial struggle in the air.
2️⃣ At least six people have to pool resources just to buy one bottle of Baby Gin. Then they drink it like it’s J***y walker Jack Daniels
3️⃣ Folks from Manase, Mbayani, or Chilomoni will swear they stay in “the Sunnyside area” or “just near Namiwawa.” No one is ever from Manase or mbayani or ndirande — it’s always “close to” somewhere classy.
4️⃣ In Blantyre, having a meal at KFC is a life achievement. People buy a two-piece Streetwise and sit there for four hours, updating statuses: “Lunch vibes.”
5️⃣ You can’t have multiple relationships in Blantyre. The town is basically a WhatsApp group — same faces, same hangout spots. You’ll be caught by lunchtime.
6️⃣ ATMs never run out of cash in Blantyre — because no one is withdrawing. The machines are just resting.
7️⃣ Minibuses stop moving by 6PM. Everyone’s already home calculating how they’ll survive the week with K30,000.
8️⃣ A Blantyre person can use a full tank in a Vitz for three months. Too much kugulukira. That car is basically running on air and hope.
9️⃣ The city boasts hotels like Amaryllis, Mount Soche, and Ryalls — but guess what? It’s Lilongwe folks filling them up for photoshoots and fake “business meetings.”
🔟 Most business people in Blantyre make money from clients outside Blantyre. The locals just window-shop and buy “original” perfumes from Limbe vendors — with names like Channel 0 and Blue de Chaneel.
