The angry black child with a pen

06/01/2026

The woman i hurt.

So i sat down with my heart as it was broken to thousand pieces.. I felt the tears getting warm every time i came to a conclusion that i will never ever wake up next to her again.. The painful reminder that i didnt do well enough to keep her.. As i cried softly in the middle of the night standing outside with stars above me, something spoke inside me that made me cry even more.. In silence ofcourse.. I started to walk away from. My home until i was standing on the road.. It simple said.. " now u feel pain, how much pain did she feel when she was with you? How many times did she cry alone after your words had destroyed her.. And then you would piece her together only to destroy her again".. I felt my soul leaving me as i faced my judgment.. "you took everything from her.. Her happiness.. Her brightness.. Her love for life.. And you didnt give anything back..you drove her to this... To this stage.. To this moment.. You made her to be like this".. I sat down and held myself..

If felt like i was staring at her grave, a woman killed by my own hand.. I closed my eyes and knelt and cried "i am so sorry" i kept on saying.. But the grave wouldnt shake.. No she wasnt coming back to life.. She was dead.. Buried.. And i had killed her.. The pain i felt was no where close to anything i have ever felt. I tried to reason my thought asking myself "why such pain.. Why so much tears" the answer was simple.. "you lost the first woman you have ever truly loved and u were scared to tell her, so u tried to chase her away hoping she will leave you but deep down she was the first and last woman who u truly felt as yourself.. And congratulations you succeeded.. You chased her away"..

The truth hit me harder than hard.. I didnt care who could see me crying on the road.. I knew that no matter how much i try to dig her out of this grave, she as gone.. The more i tried to dig, the deeper her casket sank.. I had burnt her soul with pain... Broke her heart with false promises, twisted her mind with a future thst i was afraid off... Now her body was the only thing she was protecting from me.. Though it was bruised n stained by my hands... I began to regret deeply.. No amount of life was ever going to repay ehat i had done... Just when i had come to terms with my identity as well.. Willing to go through the depths and heights with her.. Just when i was ready for the world to meet her. Thats when i found out that she died a long time ago while i was trying to be better.. I lost my dream before i could ever live it fully..

I wiped my tears and stood up 😭, the grave infront of me vanished.. Only a tombstone took it moment to vanish as i read the last words.. "you did this to her" then it vanished.. Senses came back, a gush cold eind hit my face freezing my tears instantly, i felt a gaping hole in my heart and fractured piece of my soul.. "i fu**ed up n i fu**ed up so many chances".. I turned away to walk back home.. I wishe i could hear her voice in the darkness calling me..to hold me and say "its okay" but no.. Only a howling dog from a distance and someone playing loud music at this time.. How can i judge them, here too i was, crying over the last spot me and her spoke..

As i climb to bed trying to force sleep i realize that every time u breath God gives you a chance to do right and i blew my chances thinking God doesnt get tired.. Now i will live knowing that i no longer have air to breath because i lost the onky woman who brought fire to my soul..and i never knew her worth until it was too late..

The end

05/01/2026

Diary ka Sya

She never gave me a chance to beg her.. She never gave me a chance to make things better.. She simple said.. "i am tired of this relationship". There and then i knew she was done. Her heart had died a long time ago.. Her soul had been crushed none stop by my lack of growth and realization of a good woman. She did deserve better.. One thing she didnt know was how many of my family members had known her name n were ready to welcome. Her.. I remember when i told my uncle, he laughed and he saidb"mshana ufuze mina ke wena.. Umtshele kuth sizomlanda ke"

02/01/2026

"How she left me" ...coming in the next 24hrs

16/12/2025

Ukuphahla (communicating with ancestors) and prayer.

When you pray with a candle, you should understand the purpose of the candle:

The candle flame is your spirit – it rises upward, carrying your prayer.

The wax is your offering – it melts as a sacrifice, showing your commitment.

The color directs the type of prayer and energy you are sending.

So, you should understand that what happens to your candle reflects how the universe is responding to you.

Their physical behavior is often interpreted as a direct response from the universe or your guides.

The flame represents your spirit and connection to the divine. Its movement provides immediate feedback on your intention:

Tall and Steady: Indicates strong alignment with your purpose and that your ancestors are supporting you with protection and strength.

Flickering or Dancing: Suggests the presence of spirits or high energetic "conversations" around you. If it is erratic, it may warn of chaotic energy or outside interference.

Small or Weak: Often signals blockages, low energy, or that the timing for your request is not right.
Popping or Crackling: Interpreted as a spirit or ancestor actively trying to communicate a specific message.

Suddenly Extinguished: This is a serious sign to pause and reassess. It may mean the spirits cannot help at this time or are warning you to stop.

The wax
The way the wax melts acts as a "sacrifice" and reflects your emotional and spiritual state.

Clean, Even Burn: A sign that your prayer is properly executed and likely to manifest without issues.

Crying Wax (Drips): Drips on the left side often represent emotional or psychic imbalances, while drips on the right can mean your own thoughts are blocking the intention.

Black Soot: Generally indicates negative energy or intense struggle against a blockage. If soot only appears at the top of a jar, the struggle has been overcome; if it covers the whole jar, the prayer may be thwarted.

White Soot: A rare, positive sign of divine protection and assistance from spiritual beings.

Color Correspondences for Energy Alignment
Selecting the right color directs the specific frequency of your prayer:

White: Purity, truth, and connecting with the Crown or divine source.
Yellow: Used to connect with angels and ancestors; brings clarity to dreams and visions.
Blue: Associated with the Throat chakra; used for communication and seeking wisdom from "marine angels" or heavenly sources.
Red: For protection and fighting spiritual battles; it represents the blood and strengthens your warrior spirits.
Green: Linked to nature and prosperity; often used to pray for long life and abundance.
Purple: High spiritual awareness and connecting with Amakhosi (royal spirits).

Ngoba umuntu omnyama u "Ngiyabonga" akanaye. Ningathi ksasa, zange nganizama.🤞

10/11/2025

10/11/2025

I am tired
I am tired

I am tired...
I cant explain the level
Of tiredness i feel..but let me try..
I am tired of trying..
I am tired of hoping..
I am tired of day dreaming..
I am tired of thinking...
I am tired seeking strength
To be courageous for another day..
I am tired of fighting for things
To get better..
I am tired of praying n crying...
I am tired of smiling...
I am tired of listening to voices
That bring hope that never comes..
I am tired of going to
Sleep with thoughts of a
Better day waiting for me tomorrow
Only to wake up to another day
Equally worse than yesterday ..
I am tired of waking up to those days..
I am tired of been strong..
I am tired of Been weak...
I am tired.. I am tired

I walk as i am close to my tender age, strides of an old man thinking about the life he never lived.. Stolen by moments of trying and never getting .. They say "keep on trying" they dont know the toll it takes on us.. They dont know that the source of energy is depleting... Each step i take is heavy with unshed tears, cries unheard, bitter regrets that are never spoken off.. I am tired.. Even saw your dreams turn to dust and fade... And what is left in your mind is darkness.. Darkness that even the light cant pe*****te.. I am tired...

If you see me laughing..
Talking a storm...
Preaching to the mass..
While you clap..or laugh back..
Or indulge in my conversations,
Try n look deep within
My eyes.. Pierce there..
You will see that they have no light
Left inside..
They re just an empty vortex
Of pain and too much sorrow..
Testimonies of a man
Who is tired n yet
Still held by soemthing
Even unknown to him
To this world...
But one thing remains,
I am tired..

The end

06/11/2025

Do you know what it feels like when God is silent?
When you see the enemy’s army approaching, shields clashing against swords, horses galloping closer—
when their laughter is louder than your prayers?

Do you know that moment when hope starts to fade, replaced by the weight of fear and the certainty of defeat?
When you ask yourself, “Why did God bring me here just to die?”
When you whisper, “Why bless me if You won’t help me keep it?”

Do you know the feeling when the enemy reaches you—mocking, sneering, asking,
“Where is your God now?”
—just before they strike you down?

Do you know what it’s like to still hold on to hope while bleeding,
to believe rescue will come,
only to watch as the sword strikes again and again
until there’s nothing left—no strength, no breath, no life?

Now imagine that as a recurring nightmare,
each time giving you a glimpse of hope,
and then—
God sits in silence, watching as the enemy wins again.

Do you know the silence of God?

Send a message to learn more

31/10/2025