02/07/2026
I hugged you that night, said goodnight—
never knowing I was already saying goodbye.
Nanay, I love you so much.
“When Grief and Love meet”
I find myself looking at your pictures more than ever.
I realize now that grieving is forever.
I will love you forever—
a kind of love that stays, that lives on for a lifetime.
Nanay, I love you so much.
On the day you were gone, denial was there.
Was it real?
I had just hugged you that night, said goodnight,
held you from behind—
never knowing I was already saying goodbye.
I replay that moment more times than I can count,
wishing I held you longer,
wishing I knew,
wishing I didn’t let go so easily.
As time passes, accepting is hard—
but moving on is the hardest.
There are days I just want to disappear,
to isolate myself as much as possible…
I just want to stop.
To pause everything.
To sit with the silence.
To feel the weight of losing you
without having to be strong for anyone else.
But even in that silence,
I hear small voices calling me back,
tiny hands reaching for mine,
needing me, choosing me—
And I am also a mother—
a mother of two.
One was two years old,
the other just ten months.
They did not understand loss,
only the need to be held,
to be fed,
to be loved the way you loved me.
So I could not fall apart.
Even when I wanted to.
Even when every part of me was breaking.
I had no space to grieve.
No time to stay in the pain.
I needed to breastfeed,
to take care of the family,
to keep everything together—
and still, I had to work.
Those were the darkest days—
when I was surviving, not living,
when my tears had to wait,
when my grief had to be silent,
when I had to choose strength
even when I had none left.
And then, slowly, I began to see the light—
not because the pain lessened,
but because life kept asking me to stay.
In small moments,
in quiet strength I didn’t know I had,
in the love I give my children,
I found a reason to keep going.
But grief… it does not leave.
It settles deep within you,
becomes part of who you are.
Some days, I find myself back at day one,
as if time stood still,
as if the loss just happened yesterday—
as if I am still that daughter
who said goodnight
and did not know it was goodbye.
Still, I carry on—
with love that never fades,
and a heart that continues to heal,
even as it breaks in quiet ways.
Because losing you did not end our story—
it only taught me how to live a lifetime missing you.
