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The Northport News Network is an amateur team of unsophisticated journalists committed to bringing you the latest breaking news, BS, satire, facts and fiction that you may or may not need to know or care about.

City of Northport to erect monument along Hwy 82 corridor at the Water Park.Governor Kay Ivey plans to attend the unveil...
09/04/2025

City of Northport to erect monument along Hwy 82 corridor at the Water Park.

Governor Kay Ivey plans to attend the unveiling ceremony and had this to say, “we should all do our part and do more, I’m very excited for Alabamians to visit Mt Hoggmore”

This artist rendering of My Hoggmore will be sculpted Summer 2025.

Councilperson D***s plans to block er****on.

Stay with the N.N.N for late breaking details

Storm Alert Update;The City of Northport, along with Alabama Power is reporting very wide spread outages of White Power....
16/03/2025

Storm Alert Update;

The City of Northport, along with Alabama Power is reporting very wide spread outages of White Power. A spokesperson from Alabama Power, A Southern Company, says crews are working throughout the evening until White Power AND Black Power is fully restored.

WEATHER ALERT ‼️ If you are located anywhere between Sc***um and Tip, Please find your safe place now!! It’s comming!
15/03/2025

WEATHER ALERT ‼️

If you are located anywhere between Sc***um and Tip, Please find your safe place now!! It’s comming!

LATE BREAKING NEWS;After Northport City Councils intense negotiations to purchase the McCalla community, negotiations ha...
16/02/2025

LATE BREAKING NEWS;
After Northport City Councils intense negotiations to purchase the McCalla community, negotiations have failed. The Northport City Hall had this to say, “Yeah, Leon is a tough negotiator but he wasn’t able to close the deal with the town of McCalla. Northport City Mayor had this to say, “ We are giving the Mayor, constable, and fellow constituents 24 hours to leave McCalla and seek asylum in Bessemer, if these demands are not met, we will begin the shock and awe invasion of McCalla immediately thereafter”

Stay tuned to the N.N.N for late and breaking details on this situation.

While many Northportians are angered over the recent name change of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, the City ...
15/02/2025

While many Northportians are angered over the recent name change of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, the City of Northport is proud to announce the changing of Lake Lurleen to the Mexican Sea! As to what inspired the name change, the N.N.N reached out to the City Council and one member had this to say, “when I go out to Lake Lurleen, Mexicans is all I see”

Unfortunately, Jasmine did not see her shadow this morning at Wesley’s Boobie Trap! Get ready for 6 more weeks of Chlam...
02/02/2025

Unfortunately, Jasmine did not see her shadow this morning at Wesley’s Boobie Trap! Get ready for 6 more weeks of Chlamdyia!

A Hair Weave has been turned in to the Northport City Hall, please call to identify.
31/01/2025

A Hair Weave has been turned in to the Northport City Hall, please call to identify.

Attention Northport!! Are you ready for a new restaurant that is NOT Chicken??? Please help us welcome T-N-T to Northpo...
29/01/2025

Attention Northport!! Are you ready for a new restaurant that is NOT Chicken???

Please help us welcome T-N-T to Northport!

The City of Northport is asking for your help!The Northport Sewage treatment plant is asking no, begging everyone North ...
29/01/2025

The City of Northport is asking for your help!

The Northport Sewage treatment plant is asking no, begging everyone North of Hwy 82 to please use 2 stool softeners twice per day. The sewage treatment workers have worked an average of 17 hours overtime this week and still have not even budged the large crustacean of f***s logs. According to local fecalologist, Brian Strains, “we are dealing with a s**tuation of meat loaf, opioids and lack of fiber”

Mr Strains is asking everyone who is feeling constipated to either s**t outdoors (as weather permits) take 2 stool softeners and lay off of the Cheeses dip at local Mexican Restaurants. Mr Strains recommends colonoscopies for everyone along the Highway 43, Highway 69 corridor from Northwood lake to Carrol’s Creek.

Stay with the N.N.N for late and hopefully “breaking” details as they develop

PUBLIC AUCTION;The City of Northport will be accepting bids on all city owned vehicles beginning Monday, February 2, 202...
28/01/2025

PUBLIC AUCTION;

The City of Northport will be accepting bids on all city owned vehicles beginning Monday, February 2, 2025 from 8:30 AM until 3:30 PM. This will be a sealed bid auction, all vehicles will be sold to the highest bidder.

Once we have liquidated these vehicles, we will put our elite LRT (Le***an Response Team) into action.

The City of Northport is now in search of 4-5 good Subarus, 1 U-Haul surplus truck and 10-12 questionably morale women.

26/01/2025

Investigation underway, stay with the N.N.N for more details

The Northport Animal Shelter is asking citizens to stop bringing stray animals to the shelter as they will no longer be ...
24/01/2025

The Northport Animal Shelter is asking citizens to stop bringing stray animals to the shelter as they will no longer be accepted. Northport Animal Shelter manager, Michael Vick is asking citizens to please drop all stray animals off OUTSIDE of the Northport City Limits so they can become the County’s responsibility. Vick went on to say, “We don’t have no more room for these animals, take them to Tuscaloosa and let them be their problem”

Stay with the N.N.N for further details

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