We all have a story… a deep, painful story that we choose to hide from the world along with hiding ourselves. We feel worthless or not good enough; that we can never compare to or compete with anyone else.
For most of us, our story started when we were children. The micro traumas and the macro traumas are what really shaped our lives and continued into adulthood, seemingly getting worse.
We have been trained from the beginning to believe the falsehoods that were either told to us or shown to us. The biggest of which is that we are somehow flawed.
We can’t be further from the truth… these are only beliefs and these beliefs can be changed.
…along with the story of our life.
HI, I’M CAROLINE…
AND HERE IS MY STORY…
As the story goes, I have been a “victim” since birth. The road that led to the alienation from my children began with something called Attachment Trauma.
On the day I was born, the story was that my mother left me with the nurses to go take care of the other patients in the hospital. At the time she was a Red Cross volunteer. Leaving me to take care of others became her way of life. It was ingrained into my psyche and it was the beginning of my journey.
The things I started to believe about myself such as the core belief of not being good enough, started there and continued throughout my childhood and teen years. Such is the case with all of us that belief systems, when not rectified, will run our lives, subconsciously.
For the past five years, I dug deep. It scared me to death, but something told me that if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t not survive.
It took me on a forgiveness journey of the first human being that we all have contact with, my mother. This is not easy work to do. It is painful and isolating. It brought up all of the dark side of me that I had tried not to expose for years.
Little do we know, the more we try to hide, the more chaotic and out of control our lives get.
Prior to my mother’s death on December 13, 2018, I had gone on a face to face healing journey with her. Finding out she was in hospice for precautionary reasons, I decided to take a trip to New Mexico to see her. I didn’t know what would happen next. I followed a life-long vision I have had of sitting by her bedside; connecting and healing with her. It was time.
Three hours after sitting with her, it was time for me to leave. I had a single tear roll down my cheek and for the first time in my life that I could remember, she wiped it away. That was the result of sitting with her, not really talking, but loving her unconditionally; something she had literally never felt in her entire life.
My discovery… unconditional love and forgiveness does heal.
You will pay a price and that is the loss of the ego and connecting with the true self.
This was really just the beginning of an incredible shift in my journey.
On the day she died, another beautiful thing happened. Two months before she died, I decided I was going to put away the anger I had with her my whole life. I recorded some words for her, knowing the time was near of her death. I told her that it was safe to let go, that she was loved and then I sang “You Are My Sunshine.” I sent the recording to her Chaplain and she didn’t actually hear it until three days before she died. I was told she had a smile on her face for the three days hence and then died peacefully in her sleep.
That was all I wanted for both of us.
AND THERE WAS GRIEF
What came up wasn’t just the grief from my mother dying, it was never having a real relationship with her. She left when I was young, and her leaving wasn’t just her decision. My father was involved in her departure.
I stuffed down the pain.
Every loss in my life carried with it no form of closure, starting with my mother.
The death of my grandfather when I was in college. I never got to say goodbye.
Then my father, who died during the worst part of my life and I wasn’t told of his death until a week later. More stuffed down pain.
Within four years of that, my grandmother, who was the one who raised me, along with my father and grandfather, died. This I found out about in a card during that time. And even more stuffed down pain.
Grief built upon grief built upon more grief.
The biggest loss of all was that of my children to something called Parental Alienation. I had lived with that loss for almost 20 years. This really caused me to push down the grief, anger, pain and sadness more and more throughout this time of my life.
I felt all alone in the world except one friend who was there for me during that tumultuous time. And although she really didn’t understand what was going on, as generally no one does who hasn’t been through this, she stood by my side the entire time.
When all of this started with my children, I was in such a deep depression I didn’t leave the house for three days.
In this process,
I REALIZED I HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS
A few years after the death of my grandfather, I married. I was in my early 20’s and within the year we had a son. All during this time I felt there was something wrong with me. I loved my son deeply, yet I couldn’t figure out why I could never make my husband happy or no one for that matter.
I felt like I was dying inside. Little by little I lost myself.
I thought, as a new mother, that having this beautiful human being, this beautiful soul to take care of was going to be amazing.
What I ended up with was no one around to guide me and feeling alone and confused. I’m pretty sure I had post-partum depression at that time as well. It didn’t help with the way I was feeling about myself to begin with.
I was no super mom. I was no super wife. I was no super woman. I could barely keep myself together. I began to feel like a failure, and I needed to find a way to “fix” myself.
Six years into this is when my journey began.
MY JOURNEY TO “FIX” ME…
I began this journey at the ripe old age of 27. I tried to show on the outside that I was fine, but it took me years to figure out just how sad, angry, ashamed, discouraged, and helpless I felt.
My marriage went further and further downhill and so to fix that, we decided to have another baby. During this time my beautiful daughter was born, it was a Magic Moment for me. Even on the day we took her home from the hospital, the song by The Drifters, came on in the car.
Things appeared to change for the better; only to get worse.
The journey to find myself and fix whatever was wrong with me took me to looking everywhere outside myself for healing and guidance. I did this for 23 years. I tried getting those answers through acquaintances, religions, places I visited, college degrees and schools of thought.
I researched teachings such as Eastern Philosophy, Yoga, Ayurvedic Medicine and Energy Work/Reiki among a whole slew of other things.
Where I landed was with Native American Spirituality and nature-based cultures which helped me the most to get me to today.
And…I came to find the answers were not out there.
MORE LOSSES
The marriage lasted 12 ½ years and then the unimaginable happened.
At the end, my life began to shatter around me. I tried so hard to keep my little family together, but to no avail. I felt small and helpless, like Daniel in the Lion’s Den. I had no one else besides the one friend I mentioned earlier.
High Conflict Divorce/Parental Alienation/Emotional Trauma/Attachment Trauma. These became the words that surrounded me.
For me, it was just the beginning of a hell that no one should ever have to go through and basically there was no reason for it. The children are the biggest sufferers of this and as a parent, there are no words to describe the deep and painful process of grieving someone, your children, who are still alive.
It was a grief so deep; I couldn’t shake it until my mother’s recent death. Then with the help of a beautiful friend who sent me a book called “It’s OK That You’re Not OK – Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine, I was finally able to grieve the loss of my children, and the other deaths in my life. I also grieved for me not knowing how to deal with the things that came up in my life.
She showed me how to grieve the loss and…
I learned to carry my grief.
DISCOVERIES THROUGH MY JOURNEY
After going through over 27 years of self-discovery I have come home to a place of clarity about myself and my life. The answers turned out to be inside myself.
I don’t, however, want to make this sound glamorous; it was not. It took four years, during the deepest part of my healing journey, of tears and many Dark Nights of the Soul to completely break through the anger, sadness, shame, fear and feeling in lack and not good enough.
It can, however, be done.
MY BACKGROUND
These events that put me on this journey for the past 28 years, involve a lot of personal development which led me to getting certified as an Energy Healing Practitioner, Spiritual Life Coach, Life Leadership Coach and getting my MS in Metaphysical Humanistic Science. I am also an Ordained Minister and I use all of it to guide people to do their own healing work through the traumas they have been through in their lives. I assist and guide others who are feeling hopeless and helpless by using processes that will break through the anxiety and unconscious belief systems we all hold. My focus is on High Conflict Divorce and Alienation.
From my healing journey, I have added music back into my life as a singer/songwriter/musician/recording artist in a duo called Indivinity. We play Healing Medicine Music at 432hz and between the music vibration and words, it helps heal the body, minds and earth down to the cellular level.
All of our music is original, and we write from our life experience, both as individuals and together. My partner, Noel Neu is a licensed psychotherapist in Florida, so we come from a background of healing and helping others through trauma.
We also do Indivinity TV Podcasts and Healing Our Way Home Songwriting Workshops.
You can find out more about us HERE.
I also have a wide and varied background in many fields such as the military, business, administration and alternative/metaphysical healing.
In order to see change in the world, we must first work on ourselves.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with scars.” E.H. Chapin
Awaken to your infinite potential and join the critical mass through healing ourselves so we can be advocates for others who have been through trauma.
How do we as a society heal from the madness and massive pain that has been inflicted on us through trauma and belief systems? We begin with ourselves. We are worth it.
A NEW WORLD
I believe in working for healing and change not fighting against the problem. When we fight against something through competition, fear, hate and anger, it does nothing but pit people against each other which backfires, and the change isn’t permanent.
By working for something, we become a positive influence and can use our anger to propel us to changing our society and world, so we can heal our planet through unconditional love and peace. Be the change you want to see in the world.
The work I do on my journey for myself is the catalyst to guide and assist others toward the critical mass of healing and change our society and world so desperately needs.
Website: carolinerena.com
For those going through High Conflict Divorce/Alienation:
Facebook Groups:
Glimmers of Hope – Alienated Moms – High Conflict Divorce
Glimmers of Hope – All Inclusive Family – High Conflict Divorce/Alienation
(These are closed groups. You must answer a couple of questions for entry.)
Erasing Family Documentary
Facebook Business Page: Caroline Rena
Facebook Business Page: Empathic Partners – Offering Energy Healing, Life Leadership/Spiritual Coaching by Caroline Rena and Psychotherapy and Energy Healing by Noel Neu, MS, LMHC. We combine our gifts and skills to bring a new and deeper way of healing for our clients.
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You can find out new EP, One of a Kind, on Spotify, Google Play, Tidal, and IHeart Radio.
