31/05/2024
Mental Health Acceptance Month is ending & June brings in Pride Month & it gives me time to reflect on how far I’ve come over the year so far & compare to years past.
Understand that if my biggest complaint/gripe/whine/bitch/moan (however you see it) is me being lonely all the time or entering autophobia territory because I’ve been single for over 8 years or because I don’t really interact IRL with as many friends as I used to, this way better than I was 5-9 years ago.
Before, I didn’t have medications & I was trying to do the best that I could with what resources I had. Rejections, denials, being fired, & working at the worst job I ever had brought me to the brink of the edge. I was ready to commit su***de at least 3 times during that spell because everything was too much. It was thanks to my family, Sean, Cody, & Krystn, among others, that I pulled away from the edge.
Since 2019, I’ve been medicated to keep the feelings in the back of my mind & adjusted my routine so that I could be more balanced, calm-ish, & away from the edge that I had to crawl from. It was hard, but I made it.
Over that time, I learned about me & what I want. I’m demisexual, likely demiromantic person, who’s love languages are physical touch & quality time, who also isn’t opposed to an ethical non-monogamous relationship with 2 - 3 women/fembies but will not shy away from monogamy if it becomes priority. I’ve learned about friends with benefits along with cuddle buddies that not only help with my anxiety but also my now confirmed & diagnosed autism.
I’ve learned that with ALL of that, there are millions nationwide & globally that aren’t as lucky as I am that have the resources I have like a CBT & amazing friends & family to keep me metaphorically swimming. So now, $70/month goes to 988, The Trevor Project, RAINN, & The Wikimedia Project, not because someone told me or forced my hand, but because I WANTED TO, because it’s the right thing to do in my head.
With all that said, I know I struggle with the anxiety of being alone for the rest of my life, the running thoughts of people talking behind my back, & people seeing me as [INSERT NEGATIVE ADJECTIVE HERE] because the nature of 2024 has eliminated many people’s ability to just pull me aside & TALK, but I’m working on it. And like everything I’ve been through before, I will come out on the other side.
