The Podcasters South Africa, Johannesburg (2025)

14/10/2025

BREAKING NEWS: SOUTH AFRICA QUALIFIES FOR 2026 WORLD CUP — NATION WILL STOP WORKING FOR 3 DAYS

Johannesburg, South Africa, South Africans are still screaming “Sangena, Sangena, Sangena Phakathi!” after Bafana Bafana shocked the world and qualified for the 2026 FIFA World Cup.

From taxi ranks to taverns, the celebration started before the final whistle, some fans were already dancing Amapiano in traffic while others shouted, “No DNA, just RSA!”

One fan from Soweto told reporters, “I was supposed to be at work, but when Bafana scored, I resigned emotionally.”

Reports say the nation’s productivity dropped to zero. Banks, schools, and even home affairs apparently joined the celebrations. “Even the power cuts paused for two hours out of respect,” said one Eskom insider.

President Cyril Ramaphosa is expected to declare a national public holiday called “Phakathi Day,” where every citizen must dance, sing, and randomly shout “RSA!” three times before breakfast.

Social media is on fire, with hashtags and trending worldwide. One proud fan posted, “We’re not just going to the World Cup, we’re going there to show them how to celebrate before kickoff!”

Meanwhile, FIFA officials said they’ve never seen fans this excited. “We thought the match was over,” said one referee. “Then we realized the crowd was just starting round two of celebrations.”

As for Bafana Bafana, the team says they’re ready for 2026, but first, they want a week to rest, dance, and collect all the cows slaughtered in their honour.

14/10/2025

BREAKING NEWS: RAMAPHOSA SAYS ISRAEL-PALESTINE PEACE DEAL “WON’T AFFECT SA’S CASE, WE ALREADY PRINTED THE COURT PAPERS”

Pretoria, South Africa – President Cyril Ramaphosa has announced that the new peace deal signed between Israel and Palestine will not affect South Africa’s ongoing case against Israel at the International Court of Justice (ICJ).

Speaking at the Union Buildings, Ramaphosa said the government has already spent too much on printing, transport, and snacks to cancel the case now.

“You can’t just sign peace after we’ve already paid for the lawyers,” he said confidently. “We must get our money’s worth.”

The President insisted that South Africa’s mission was “about principle” and also about showing the world that we can sue people too.

Sources inside the ICJ say even the judges are confused. “Usually countries stop fighting when there’s peace,” one judge whispered. “But South Africa said, ‘Not on our watch.’”

When asked if the peace deal made the case unnecessary, a government spokesperson replied:

“No, no, no. The peace deal is theirs. The case is ours. Everyone must focus on their own project.”

Social media is already in chaos. One user tweeted, “So Palestine is done fighting, but we’re still warming up?” Another wrote, “Ramaphosa said ‘we started this case like a telenovela, it must finish with drama.’”

Insiders say the President remains calm. “We support peace,” he said. “But peace must also support paperwork.”

Meanwhile, South Africa’s legal team has refused to pack up. “We already bought new suits for The Hague,” said one attorney proudly. “We can’t just wear them to church.”

As for the peace deal itself, the Presidency congratulated both nations and added that South Africa will continue to “monitor the situation closely… from the ICJ, of course.”

13/10/2025

BREAKING: AKON’S WIFE FILES DIVORCE, DISCOVERS MOST OF HIS MONEY IS “IN HIS MOM’S ACCOUNT”

Hollywood, USA, Shocking news for music fans this week: Akon’s wife, Tomeka Thiam, has filed for divorce after 29 years of marriage and she’s asking for a cool €100 million.

But the drama doesn’t end there. Court documents allegedly revealed that Akon’s personal bank account contains a mere $10,000. The rest? Apparently “safely” stored in his mother’s account, leaving Tomeka asking questions like:

“Wait…so I spent 29 years supporting a man who keeps all his money in his mom’s purse?”

According to sources, Tomeka claims she helped Akon build his fortune, from hitting studio sessions to managing his fashion line, but now feels betrayed by the “hidden mother account strategy.”

Legal experts say this case is “complicated,” because Akon reportedly told his lawyers:

“It’s not really my money, it’s my mother’s money. Technically, she’s divorcing me too.”

Meanwhile, social media exploded with memes. Some joked: “Akon’s mom is officially richer than Beyonce,” while others said: “Divorce in 2025: step 1, marry a musician, step 2, check if he actually has money.”

Observers say this could be the start of a new trend: wealthy celebrities hiding fortunes in family members’ accounts to survive divorces. “Next thing,” said one gossip blogger, “we’ll see grandmas taking out prenups.”

Tomeka, however, remains determined. “I just want what I deserve…or at least my own Netflix special,” she reportedly told friends.

Akon has not yet commented, but insiders say he’s “checking his mom’s balance in case she wants to cooperate.”

13/10/2025

UPDATE: 42 People Confirmed Dead in N1 Bus Tragedy Near Louis Trichardt

Louis Trichardt, Limpopo – At least 42 people have been confirmed dead following a horror bus crash on the treacherous N1 road outside Louis Trichardt in the Vhembe District.

Emergency services and rescue teams have been working through the night to recover bodies and search for possible survivors.

According to authorities, the bus was travelling from Gqeberha to Zimbabwe when the accident occurred.

The N1 route between Louis Trichardt and Musina remains closed as officials continue recovery operations and investigate the cause of the crash.

More details will be released once next of kin have been notified.

13/10/2025

BREAKING NEWS: BOTSWANA MAN ARRESTED FOR FAILING TO DIE AFTER SU***DE ATTEMPT

Gaborone, Botswana – In one of the most confusing moments in African law enforcement, police in Botswana arrested a man this week for “attempting su***de and failing.”

According to officers, the man was charged with “trying to leave the country of the living without official permission.”

“We take this very seriously,” said one police spokesperson. “If you want to go to heaven, you must apply through the right channels. You can’t just check out like it’s a hotel.”

Witnesses say the man was rescued by neighbors after his failed attempt. Moments later, police arrived, not to comfort him, but to handcuff him.

“I thought they were coming to help,” said one shocked neighbor. “Next thing, they said he’s under arrest. I was like, ‘But the man already punished himself!’”

Social media users across Africa are in disbelief. One tweet said, “So you fail to die, and then you go to jail, that’s like losing twice!”

Another joked, “In Botswana, even sadness has bail.”

Human rights groups are calling the law outdated. “How can you arrest someone for being sad?” asked one activist. “Next thing, they will arrest people for crying in public without a permit.”

Officials, however, insist it’s the law. “We are protecting life,” said one government representative proudly. “If we arrest you, at least we know you are alive.”

Meanwhile, the man has reportedly promised never to try su***de again, not because he feels better, but because “prison food tastes worse than depression.”

13/10/2025

Sandton, Johannesburg – South Africans were left grabbing popcorn after a video surfaced showing President Cyril Ramaphosa outside the luxurious home of Hangwani Maumela, the man at the center of a massive R2 billion Tembisa Hospital looting scandal.

But according to the Presidency, it’s all “just a coincidence.”

“The President was not visiting anyone suspicious,” said his spokesperson, still sweating during the interview. “He was just in the area. Maybe his GPS took a wrong turn near corruption.”

In the viral clip, Ramaphosa is seen smiling, waving, and talking to security guards outside Maumela’s house. The guards, clearly nervous, stood like statues, as if they were waiting for the Special Investigating Unit to jump out from behind the bushes.

When asked why the President didn’t simply drive past, one witness said,

“Maybe he was checking if Maumela’s WiFi is stronger than the government’s economy.”

The video has set social media ablaze, with people saying things like, “Even Google Maps is corrupt now,” and “If coincidence had a face, it would be Cyril’s.”

The Presidency insists Ramaphosa’s visit had “nothing to do with corruption.” Sources close to the President say he was “on his morning walk of transparency.”

Meanwhile, Maumela has reportedly denied everything too, including knowing the President, the R2 billion, or the location of Tembisa Hospital itself.

“I don’t even know what hospital means,” Maumela allegedly told friends while adjusting his Gucci slippers.

Opposition parties are calling for an investigation, claiming that “coincidence has become a government department.”

As of now, Ramaphosa has not commented further, but insiders say he’s “very shocked”, mostly because the video had better lighting than most SABC news broadcasts.

13/10/2025

TRAVIS SCOTT LIGHTS UP JOBURG: 70,000 AT FNB STADIUM FOR HISTORIC SHOW

Johannesburg, Travis Scott delivered a monumental performance at FNB Stadium on October 11, 2025, part of his Circus Maximus World Tour. It was his first headliner show at South Africa’s premium stadium, filling up a crowd of over 70,000 fans in the 94,736-capacity venue.

Amid heavy rain, long traffic, and a one-hour delay, the energy didn’t drop. Pyrotechnics, lasers, booming bass and several of his biggest hits lit up the night.

Fans praised the show as a landmark for South Africa’s live scene, putting Johannesburg firmly on the map for global artists who want to deliver full stadium spectacles.

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08/10/2025

BREAKING NEWS: GENERAL REVEALS WHY DJ SOMEBODYELSE WAS KILLED — “HE STOLE THE WRONG POWDER”

Pretoria, South Africa – Parliament went into full shock mode yesterday when Police Commissioner General Makhozana Mkhwanani dropped a bombshell about the mysterious death of popular artist DJ SomebodyElse.

According to the General, the DJ wasn’t just spinning decks, he was spinning trouble.

“We discovered that DJ SomebodyElse stole a shipment of white powder worth R200 million that belonged to a very angry businessman named Katlego ‘The Dealer’ Molewa,” said Makhozana while holding a file thicker than a church hymn book.

The General said the DJ tried to “rebrand” the drugs and sell them under his own label called AmaWhite Beats. “He was selling powder like it was washing detergent,” added Makhozana. “He even tried to start a new business: ‘From Dancefloor to Drugstore.’”

Investigations also revealed that the same AK-47 used in his murder was found at several other “entertainment-related accidents”, including the mysterious disappearance of another DJ known as MC Ghost Mode.

“This is no ordinary gun,” said one officer. “This AK-47 has more bookings than most DJs in Gauteng.”

Fans have been left speechless. “We loved him,” said one supporter. “We just didn’t know he was mixing beats and bricks.”

Meanwhile, social media detectives on TikTok have already released 17 conspiracy videos, each claiming to know “the full truth”, though all of them start with, ‘I heard from someone who knows someone at SAPS.’

General Makhozana has promised to release “more shocking names” next week, saying South Africa is sitting on a “playlist of crime.”

“People must stop stealing from the wrong people,” he warned. “In this country, karma arrives faster than the police.”

At the time of writing, DJ SomebodyElse’s last unreleased track, ‘Powder Party (ft. The Dealer)’ is trending at number one on Mzansi charts.

08/10/2025

BREAKING NEWS: ALEXANDRA WOMAN DEMANDS JUSTICE AFTER CLINIC “DIAGNOSED HER WITH WIFI INSTEAD OF HIV”

Alexandra, Johannesburg – There was drama in the township this week after a young mother, Moloko Letlalo, marched to Masakhane Clinic demanding answers, claiming that nurses there told her she was HIV-positive when, according to her, she was “as clean as a Sunday morning.”

Moloko says she went to the clinic last year to give birth peacefully, but instead of a baby shower, she got “emotional thunder.”

“I was holding my newborn baby, feeling like a proud mother,” she said. “Then the nurse came in looking serious and said, ‘Mama, we have bad news.’ I almost dropped the baby!”

The clinic allegedly told her she was HIV-positive and immediately gave her ARVs for herself and the baby. “They said it’s for protection. I thought, okay, maybe they know best,” she said. “I gave my child those pills faithfully, like vitamins.”

A month later, she went to another clinic for a check-up and boom! Her results came back negative.

“I was shocked. I even asked the nurse if the machine was sure. She said, ‘Yes, 100%, unless the machine is from Masakhane!’”

The news shook the whole street. Her boyfriend reportedly packed his clothes, took the WiFi router, and left. “He said he can’t date someone with clinic drama,” said Moloko, wiping her tears.

She says when she returned to Masakhane Clinic, the staff accused her of “denial.” “They said maybe my negative results were fake news. I said, excuse me, am I SABC?”

The situation turned into a full-blown soapie when neighbors started gossiping that she was “the woman who fought HIV and won in one month.”

The village elders have since advised her to cleanse herself “with salt water and patience.”

Meanwhile, the clinic management has refused to comment, saying they are “still investigating the WiFi signal.”

Social media users are calling her “Miss Negative” and demanding Netflix turn her story into a series titled “The Results Are Lying.”

“I just want justice,” said Moloko. “And maybe my boyfriend back… but mostly justice.”

At the time of publishing, the Gauteng Department of Health had not responded, possibly because they are still trying to reconnect to the WiFi.

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