09/03/2025
I know, once upon a time, very long ago, that i was whole. I expected the world to be the way i saw within myself: without cruelty, without murder, without the evil coming from the mouths of the world around me. And i couldn't understand it, couldn't fathom the destruction, the devastation inflicted upon those who were unable to defend themselves from the annihilation of this world.
And i became confused, i saw the devil without and allowed him to come in. To enter my heart, my mind my soul - that of me which was supposed to be held sanctified for Him, Who had created me in His image, with the sole purpose of worshipping Him. My confusion, the segregation within of what was and what was supposed to be, tore me apart inside. For dailyz the serpent curls up inside my womb andz there is no way in which i can erradicate its existence within me. How do i live and move and have my being trying to please the God of all Gods and love Him the way He loves me, when the evil lurks inside and kills me day by day, hour byz hour, minute by minute. How do i escape the evil inside, burning me up, leaving me with onlyz burnt ambers, lost to what i should be, or who to become.
This dark evil force has a voice which only i recognise. It tells me to cut my soft flesh, to rip myself apart in order to satisfy him. If i don't, it will take my life. Kill or be killed. You only know about the voice within from the tears you daily see in my soft green eyes, dazzling with the shimmer of my tears, my body shaking in fear and the puddles of blood on the floor. Sometimes the dogs lick at the blood, sometimes she washes it away so that no one knows about it. But i know about it....every time i know i am closer to the death it wants me to incur.
I was whole, once upon a time, when i still believed in love, faith, hope, but now i am left broken, defeated and begging for a God i once believed in, to set me free.
