08/11/2025
Law for Non-Lawyers: Fifty Shades of Brownwater: The Sh*tuation Room, A Legal Thriller”:
SXM202401235 — The Case of 💩 THE GREAT SH*TTANK SHOWDOWN
Court of First Instance of Sint Maarten – Judgment of October 28, 2025
Judge: J.R. Veerman (long-suffering)
Parties:
[X], Plaintiff fighting alone,
[Y], represented by attorney Mr. Z.J.A. Bary.
I. A Tale of Two Tanks
It began, as many Caribbean quarrels do, with a smell no one could quite identify.
[X] claimed her neighbor [Y]’s cesspool wasn’t just full — it was performing a full-on symphony of leaks. She said the waste had migrated from [Y]’s yard.
[Y], of course, denied everything. According to her, her cesspool was “as sealed as a government file.”
[X], armed with righteous fury and a receipt for a private inspection report, took her case to court — determined to stop what she poetically described as “the eternal flow.”
II. The Demands of the Disgusted
[X] didn’t come to play. She demanded that [Y]:
Stop using the cesspool within 30 days (or sooner, before the next rainfall);
Dig a new one far away from her property line;
Pay a fine of CG 1,000 per day for every additional drip, up to CG 75,000;
Reimburse her for an ICE report (USD 1,402.50) and repairs (USD 279.50);
And, for good measure, move her banana plants, which had apparently become unwilling hostages in this slow-moving environmental crime scene.
This wasn’t just a legal case. It was a territorial war between plumbing and produce.
III. Courtroom Drama
The Court, probably wishing for nose plugs, reviewed the file.
It noted that the last judgment — from July 8, 2025 — had already told [X] to clarify her claims (translation: make sense, please) and asked both parties to propose experts.
By September 16, everyone had submitted names. Each side, of course, believed their plumber was the Einstein of excrement.
But the Court didn’t want drama — it wanted science.
IV. Enter: The Leak Whisperer
Leaks, the judge observed, are mysterious creatures. You can’t just shine a flashlight into the cesspool and say, “Aha!”
Among the experts proposed, only [company name] had the right equipment: a water dye test. That’s where you pour brightly colored liquid into the cesspool and wait to see which yard turns technicolor first.
The Court appointed [Z], an employee of the company, as official Leak Whisperer. His mission: find out whether [Y]’s tank was moonlighting as a neighbor’s sewer.
The judge carefully limited his assignment to two crucial questions:
1. Is it possible that water (or anything else) from [Y]’s cesspool leaks onto [X]’s property?
2. If yes, can it be fixed so that both parties can breathe again?
V. Money, Deadlines, and Smelly Logistics
The Court set an advance payment of USD 1,500, payable by [X] — because whoever complains first, pays first.
And since the Court has no cesspool budget (and probably no hazmat fund either), it warned: if the expert runs out of money mid-test, the case goes on pause until more is paid.
The expert was told to submit his report in triplicate, probably so one copy can be safely burned.
[X] must also translate the court documents into English, ensuring that when the report inevitably mentions “liquid effluent migration,” everyone knows it’s not a metaphor.
VI. Rules of Engagement
Both sides must cooperate fully.
If they email the expert, they must copy each other — no secret sewage side-chats.
When the draft report is ready, each has two (or four) weeks to comment. The judgment says both, because even the Court wasn’t sure how long it takes to review a report about p**p.
And no, they can’t respond to each other’s comments — because the Court knows that once you start debating sewage, there’s no clean way to stop.
VII. The Waiting Game
The case is on hold until January 20, 2026, when both sides will return with their “conclusions” — likely armed with photos, complaints, and more banana evidence.
For now, the cesspool stands accused but unconvicted.
VIII. The Takeaway
This case proves two eternal truths of island life:
1. Water always finds a way.
2. So do neighbors.
Until the dye test reveals whether [Y]’s cesspool is a leaking menace or an innocent hole in the ground, both women remain trapped in a tropical truce — separated by a wall, a smell, and a pending expert invoice.
The Court, wisely, postponed all further decisions. Because sometimes, justice must wait for the water to clear.
Next hearing: January 20, 2026
Status: Expert appointed – cesspool under investigation
Judge: J.R. Veerman
Moral: When in doubt, seal your sh*ttank — before your neighbor seals your fate.
