NewExaminer

30/11/2024

SMELLY SEWAGE SOLUTION

Thousands of mainland tourists will be spared the stench of stinking sewage, with the government announcing a plan to shift Hobart’s s**t upriver.

One of the final sticking points to the development of a world-class entertainment precinct was the relocation of the Macquarie Point treatment plant.

But according to acting Premier Eric Abetz, pumping effluent to a new facility on the banks of the river is the correct solution.

“Good folk coming to Tasmania to experience world-class entertainment certainly don’t expect to be assaulted with the smell of effluent,” Mr Abetz said.

“But working people in the lesser suburbs of Hobart, like Lutana, would be accustomed to a lower standard of amenity.”

Abetz said residents of the northern suburbs, typically single mothers and the idle unemployed, could gain strength from being exposed to the effluent of those from the better suburbs downstream.

“Everybody will benefit from the increased economic activity the new stadium will provide,” Abetz said. “And a whiff of barely-treated sewage might remind those Tasmanians living a life of luxury on welfare, while their betters work hard and pay taxes isn't fair."

The estimated cost of relocating the Macquarie Point sewerage plant is $1.3 billion, which Mr Abetz said would be covered by efficiency dividends imposed on the Health Department.

09/11/2024

F**k. There's no way we can compete with this sort of satire We're cooked.

McQuestin was recently fined $40,000 breaching electoral advertising laws…

09/11/2024

"THEY’RE DESTROYING CHRISTMAS" – SANDY BAY MAN

A retired pharmacist from Lower Sandy Bay claims the spirit of Christmas is being destroyed.

Malcolm Arnold says rather than celebrating the birth of Jesus, increasing numbers of thoughtless individuals are trying to turn the important religious occasion into a carnival.

“Already, some of the less tasteful local residents have adorned their dwellings with lights and inflatable reindeer,” Arnold complained.

“And although I avoid shopping at the best of times, I’m told Coles and Woolworths are already stocking trinkets that shouldn’t be on display for at least another month.”

“Advent should be a time for fasting and reflection, not opening calendars containing chocolate or craft beer,” he said.

“As for the Christmas Tree, it should be taken down after the 12 days of Christmas have been completed.”

Arnold, who says he enjoys reading, watching television and lawn care, plans to let his offending neighbours know exactly what he thinks.

“I’ll be putting a message in their letterboxes soon, don’t you worry about that,” he said.

06/11/2024

We had a dream last night (the Royal we) and decided The New Examiner would return to full-time publishing once Mr Kudelka, aka whisky-sniffing weirdo, has more likes than we do. Over to you. Yes, that's a challenge.

https://www.facebook.com/kudelkacartoons

Retired cartoonist who still paints a bit and enjoys a nice stroll

http://www.kudelka.com.au
http://www.kudelkashop.com
Point To Pinnacle https://pointtopinnacle2025.grassrootz.com/menzies-institute-for-medical-research/jon-kudelka-captain-quoll

05/11/2024

TOURISM BONANZA COMING FOR HOBART

Hobart could soon have a new world-class tourism attraction to rival Mount Rushmore in the United States.

Premier & Tourism Minister, Jeremy Rockfliff, floated the idea today, arguing Tasmania needed to use all its available assets to promote economic growth.

“Every year, millions of tourists flock to Mount Rushmore in South Dakota,” he said.

“And Hobart has the magnificent backdrop of Mount Wellington, which is crying out to be developed.”

Rockliff said the faces of famous Tasmanians could be carved into the Organ Pipes, suggesting notable figures like David Boon, Robin Gray and Errol Flynn would be suitable.

“Image being able to travel on the cable car, admire the sculptures at close hand, and then enjoy some cold tinnies at the Boonie Bar at the summit.”

Admitting that Tasmania’s finances were stretched, Rockliff said Tasmania had plenty of artists and sculptors looking for work.

“Let’s face it, most of our artistic types are already on the dole, so at least they’d be doing something in return for the handouts they’re already receiving.”

“Plus, they’d get valuable exposure, and something new to put on their resume.”

30/10/2024

BREAKING NEWS – NEW FATE FOR FERRIES

Tasmanians will be spared a multi-million dollar bill for modifying Devonport’s wharf, with last-minute changes to plans for the state’s new Bass Strait ferries.

Acting Premier Eric Abetz said this afternoon the new approach followed receipt of a $26 million consultant’s report.

“Our Melbourne experts have changed their outlook on the future of Bass Strait passenger transport,” Abetz said.

“It seems most of the passengers on the existing Bass Strait service are freeloading grey nomads,” he told The New Examiner. “They arrive in Devonport with a clean pair of underpants and a $20 note, and don’t change either before returning to Geelong.”

Abetz said millions of travellers were expected in Hobart to visit the new stadium, and they weren’t interested in sailing to Devonport.

“Devonport is a s**thole,” Abetz said. “The good people of the mainland want to fly in to Hobart, spent a lot of money, then head home again. They don’t want to waste time looking at the questionable attractions of North West Tasmania.”

The Acting Premier said Spirit IV, currently en route to Scotland, will be diverted to a permanent mooring off Sandy Bay.

“Tasmania’s biggest employer, Federal Group, has agreed to lease the unwanted vessel for a peppercorn rent,” he said.

“It will allow room to expand the company’s popular gaming operations, as well as potentially provide housing for Hobart’s idle and unemployed.”

Abetz said the second new vessel, currently still in Finland, will potentially be used to provide a further boost to Tasmania’s tourism industry.

“At this stage, we’re likely to have it scuttled off Maria Island for use as a dive wreck.”

Abetz said the $4 billion cost of the ferries would be recovered through new efficiency dividends imposed on the Health Department.

13/09/2024

08/09/2024

RADICAL PLAN TO FIX HEALTHCARE CRISIS

A leaked Treasury document has revealed the Tasmanian Government plans to leverage the success of the new AFL stadium to help fix the crisis in healthcare.

The Government has consistently said a stadium will be a huge revenue generator, allowing more taxpayer dollars to be spend on health.

But the report goes further, claiming patients seeking emergency treatment shouldn’t be restricted to a single hospital in Hobart.

Arguing that a world-class stadium will massively increase the number of commercial flights in and out of Hobart, the report suggests the burden of primary healthcare could be shared with other states.

“If as few as 10,000 footy fans from Melbourne attend each AFL game, the commercial airlines will need to add at least 50 extra flights into Hobart,” the report says.

“And most of those flights will return to the mainland empty.”

“Rather than have ambulances wasting fuel driving around the block for hours waiting for an available bed, why not use those empty return flights to ship sick people to Melbourne?”

“Patients will be able to choose from a range of world-class hospitals within 20 minutes of Melbourne Airport.”

Premier Jeremy Rockliff wouldn’t comment on the leaked report, but did make the following brief statement:

“We will always consider what’s best for the Tasmanian people, which is why we’re tackling the housing crisis by giving those sleeping in tents a $50 McDonalds voucher and a free Jetstar ticket to Melbourne.”

04/09/2024

I took The New Examiner's staff out for a drink in Launceston last weekend. Here's a fun shot I took at O'Keefe's.

20/08/2024

SECRET TASKFORCE TO TACKLE GROWING DEBT BURDEN

Tasmania’s Premier has shrugged off suggestion Tasmania is facing a debt crisis, but behind the scenes, insiders admit there’s trouble brewing.

Sources close to both the Premier and acting Treasurer Michael Ferguson say plans are being put in place to address the state’s growing debt burden.

“Initially, a high-powered task force, chaired by respected businessman Sam McQuestin will look at all available options,” an insider said.

Rejecting the suggestion that McQuestin’s political career hadn’t been particularly successful, the insider said it was the former publican’s skills as a political operative that made him the perfect choice.

“Recently, Sam was fined $40,000 for running illegal election ads in Victoria”, he said.

“And he managed to get the Victorian branch of the Liberals to pay his fine. That’s quite an achievement, given the Victorian Libs had to hold a raffle to pay their annual $200 registration fee.”

But it’s the second option available to the government that’s likely to promote the greatest resistance.

Ferguson recently told cabinet Tasmanians should be forced to pray for the health of the economy, a suggestion that’s been met with a lukewarm response.

The Treasurer has also proposed Tasmanians be required to contribute an extra 10% of their income to the state’s coffers in the form of a donation.

26/07/2024

LEAKED STADIUM SHOCK REPORT

Plans for a new billion-dollar football stadium on Hobart’s waterfront are in doubt, after a leaked report suggested a more suitable facility already exists.

In the report, consultants engaged by the Tasmanian Government have revealed billions have already been spent developing a nearby oval that already meets both AFL and Cricket Australia standards.

Despite that capital input, the report suggests that venue is sadly underutilised, with revenue at the MCG falling well short of meeting the yearly $300 million maintenance budget.

“Melbourne is just an hour’s flight from either Hobart or Launceston, and the MCG is well-serviced by public transport,” the leaked report says.

“F**ked if we know why the Tasmanian taxpayer should expect to be saddled with an extra $10,000 each in Government debt, when footy fans can just grab a $79 Jetstar flight and go to Melbourne.”

The consultants’ damning findings say revenue models for the proposed Tasmanian stadium fall short of reality.

“A couple of caravan expos and a Wolfe Brothers concert will never cover the cost of interest on the loan for the Hobart stadium.”

“Actually, $15,000 revenue on an $80 million annual interest bill is trivial,” the report says.

“It’s scarcely enough to clean up the vomit and empty Jim Beam cans after the Wolfe Brothers event.”

“Tasmanian taxpayers would be better served by handing out Jetstar vouchers to footy fans, and spending that $80 million each year fixing the health system.”

10/03/2024

TOURISM BONANZA FOR COAST

A re-elected Liberal Government will kick-start tourism in Devonport by rebuilding the former Serendipity Fun Park, it was announced today.

Premier Jeremy Rockcliff said the ½ acre site of the theme park would be restored to its former glory, and would stand alongside the Big Potato and Devonport Mall as world-class tourist attractions.

“Hundreds of Tasmanians have fond memories of Serendipity, which featured the world’s smallest roller coaster, floating dodgem cars, and mini-golf,” the Premier said.

“Sadly, the owners were forced to close in 1989 when the Green minority government put Tasmania out of business,” he added.

“A Rockcliff majority government will right that wrong, investing more than $4 million to bring Serendipity back to life.”

The Premier said since the Green minority government, Tasmanians had been forced to travel to the Gold Coast for family entertainment.

“Everybody loves the glitz and glamour of Surfers Paradise and the theme parks, but we can offer a genuine wilderness experience in Tassie.”

The Serendipity site is located on the banks of the pristine Mersey River, just downstream from Devonport’s sewage treatment plant, and next to a concrete factory.

The Premier said construction would commence “as soon as we find suitable Liberal donors to develop and operate the park.”