NewExaminer

06/04/2026

ONE NATION TO SKIP TASMANIA – ‘YOU ALREADY HAVE YOUR QUOTA OF BATSH*T-CRAZY POLITICIANS’

Buoyed by electoral success in South Australia where it won four seats, One Nation is now looking ahead to the next Federal election, but fears gaining ground in Tasmania could be a step too far.

The party has recently attracted support from disgruntled Liberal and Labor voters by campaigning on a platform of anti-immigration and cost of living pressures.

But Deputy Leader Barnaby Joyce admitted today Tasmania’s politicians were generally similar to One Nation’s typical candidates, which are drawn from a pool of retired plumber’s assistants, anti-vaccers and snake handlers.

“You already have your quote of bats**t-crazy politicians” Joyce admitted over a few dozen schooners.

“So, unless some of the current Liberals defect to One Nation, we would struggle to win seats.”

Joyce said One Nation still hoped to recruit some sitting members of Tasmania’s State Government, saying Guy Barnett in particular had a lot in common with Cory Bernardi.

“And we’re keeping an eye on that young Felix Ellis,” he said.

“Another twenty years of heavy drinking, and he’ll look a lot like me.”

One Nation’s policies would also need to be modified for Tasmania, he said.

“We’ve always been strong on restricting immigration. But it’s hard to get voters passionate about kicking out the towel heads if there aren’t any in your local town.”

“Plus, it seems the State Liberals have already won the idiot rural vote by promising them free trips to the footy for life,” he said.

13/01/2026

BAN INFLATABLE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, SAYS LOCAL MAN

Hobart City Council must legislate to prevent any further proliferation of tacky Christmas decorations, according to a local man.

Steven Heath, a retired financial advisor, claims his Christmas was ruined when the amenity of his quiet Sandy Bay street was ruined thanks to multiple dwellings featuring large inflatable decorations.

“It was bad enough when people put the Christmas Tree up on the first day of December, rather than before the beginning of Advent, he said. “And then forgetting to take it down until late January.”

“But now, some of our neighbours, probably renters, have seen fit to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ by installing an inflatable blue heeler, a sleigh complete with reindeer, and in one case, what appears to be a large black le***an holding a massive dildo,” he complained.

“I’m no prude, and I’m sure there’s a place for this sort of display, but it isn’t Red Chapel Avenue,” he said.

“To make matters worse, The Mercury, once a bastion of decency and commonsense, printed the address of the offending properties.”

“As a result, people from the lessor suburbs have been cruising past our home for weeks in their unroadworthy vehicles. We simply don't feel safe anymore, and demand the council act - either to ban the inflatables, or restrict the number of rental properties in quiet residential areas."

11/01/2026

FAIR GO FOR LOCAL INVESTORS, SAYS LOCAL INVESTOR

Tasmania’s Government needs to step in and ensure Hobart’s property market isn’t distorted by mainland investors, says a local entrepreneur.

Property Coach Eloise Martin claims recent auction results have confirmed that local investors are being outbid at auction by predatory Melbourne buyers, hampering the ability of Airbnb operators to make a significant contribution to the local economy.

“Just last week, I was keen to buy a West Hobart house that would have been a perfect addition to my property portfolio,” Ms Martin said.

“But I was outbid by a Melbourne couple, who apparently intend to use the place as a weekend retreat just a few times each year.”

Ms Martin, who studied economics at Collegiate Girl’s College in 1994, says the operation of a valuable asset for part-time use was an inefficient allocation of resources.

“Nobody considers that if I’d bought the property, it would have generated around $2,000 each week for the local economy. And provide accommodation that would otherwise been hardly used by rich Melbourne people”.

Ms Martin rejected suggestions Airbnb operators had contributed to a housing shortage in Tasmania.

“Not many locals could even afford to rent one of my properties, so blame someone else,” she said.

“And I don’t think people realise the work involved in operating a short-stay property,” she added

“Most mornings there’s J**z on the blankets and couch, and somebody has to clean it up.”

“Fortunately I have cleaners for that.”

10/01/2026

EXPERT OPINION SWAYS STADIUM CRITICS - REPORT

Opponents of the Macquarie Point stadium are reconsidering their position tonight after local builder Darren Musgrave gave his full endorsement to the project.

“I had some doubts initially,” Musgrave told the New Examiner.
“But after a private briefing from Mark Brown, the Premier’s Chief of Staff, I can see how this will completely change Tasmania’s economic outlook.”

“I now understand that without the stadium, Tasmania will sink into a mire of depression, with children as young as six having to work in coal mines to feed their families.”

“But with billions of new capital coming into Tasmania, children as old as 16 will be able to continue their education, preferably in a new AFL-approved football academy.”

Musgrave dismissed concerns that the project would most likely cost more than the initially funded amount.

“As a professional builder, I’m well aware of the potential for cost blowouts,” he said.

“To provide an example, we recently quoted $34,000 for a new garage in New Town,” he said.

“When it became obvious the cost of materials had become prohibitive, we simply scaled back the project to a new car port.”
“We finished the job early, right on budget, and the customer has somewhere to shelter their car, provided the rain falls from directly above.”

Musgrave’s success with the New Town project hasn’t escaped the eye of Government, with Premier Jeremy Rockliff rumored to be considering appointing him to manage the $1.3 billion development.

30/11/2024

SMELLY SEWAGE SOLUTION

Thousands of mainland tourists will be spared the stench of stinking sewage, with the government announcing a plan to shift Hobart’s s**t upriver.

One of the final sticking points to the development of a world-class entertainment precinct was the relocation of the Macquarie Point treatment plant.

But according to acting Premier Eric Abetz, pumping effluent to a new facility on the banks of the river is the correct solution.

“Good folk coming to Tasmania to experience world-class entertainment certainly don’t expect to be assaulted with the smell of effluent,” Mr Abetz said.

“But working people in the lesser suburbs of Hobart, like Lutana, would be accustomed to a lower standard of amenity.”

Abetz said residents of the northern suburbs, typically single mothers and the idle unemployed, could gain strength from being exposed to the effluent of those from the better suburbs downstream.

“Everybody will benefit from the increased economic activity the new stadium will provide,” Abetz said. “And a whiff of barely-treated sewage might remind those Tasmanians living a life of luxury on welfare, while their betters work hard and pay taxes isn't fair."

The estimated cost of relocating the Macquarie Point sewerage plant is $1.3 billion, which Mr Abetz said would be covered by efficiency dividends imposed on the Health Department.

09/11/2024

F**k. There's no way we can compete with this sort of satire We're cooked.

McQuestin was recently fined $40,000 breaching electoral advertising laws…

09/11/2024

"THEY’RE DESTROYING CHRISTMAS" – SANDY BAY MAN

A retired pharmacist from Lower Sandy Bay claims the spirit of Christmas is being destroyed.

Malcolm Arnold says rather than celebrating the birth of Jesus, increasing numbers of thoughtless individuals are trying to turn the important religious occasion into a carnival.

“Already, some of the less tasteful local residents have adorned their dwellings with lights and inflatable reindeer,” Arnold complained.

“And although I avoid shopping at the best of times, I’m told Coles and Woolworths are already stocking trinkets that shouldn’t be on display for at least another month.”

“Advent should be a time for fasting and reflection, not opening calendars containing chocolate or craft beer,” he said.

“As for the Christmas Tree, it should be taken down after the 12 days of Christmas have been completed.”

Arnold, who says he enjoys reading, watching television and lawn care, plans to let his offending neighbours know exactly what he thinks.

“I’ll be putting a message in their letterboxes soon, don’t you worry about that,” he said.

06/11/2024

We had a dream last night (the Royal we) and decided The New Examiner would return to full-time publishing once Mr Kudelka, aka whisky-sniffing weirdo, has more likes than we do. Over to you. Yes, that's a challenge.

https://www.facebook.com/kudelkacartoons

Retired cartoonist who still paints a bit and enjoys a nice stroll

http://www.kudelka.com.au
http://www.kudelkashop.com
Point To Pinnacle https://pointtopinnacle2025.grassrootz.com/menzies-institute-for-medical-research/jon-kudelka-captain-quoll

05/11/2024

TOURISM BONANZA COMING FOR HOBART

Hobart could soon have a new world-class tourism attraction to rival Mount Rushmore in the United States.

Premier & Tourism Minister, Jeremy Rockfliff, floated the idea today, arguing Tasmania needed to use all its available assets to promote economic growth.

“Every year, millions of tourists flock to Mount Rushmore in South Dakota,” he said.

“And Hobart has the magnificent backdrop of Mount Wellington, which is crying out to be developed.”

Rockliff said the faces of famous Tasmanians could be carved into the Organ Pipes, suggesting notable figures like David Boon, Robin Gray and Errol Flynn would be suitable.

“Image being able to travel on the cable car, admire the sculptures at close hand, and then enjoy some cold tinnies at the Boonie Bar at the summit.”

Admitting that Tasmania’s finances were stretched, Rockliff said Tasmania had plenty of artists and sculptors looking for work.

“Let’s face it, most of our artistic types are already on the dole, so at least they’d be doing something in return for the handouts they’re already receiving.”

“Plus, they’d get valuable exposure, and something new to put on their resume.”

30/10/2024

BREAKING NEWS – NEW FATE FOR FERRIES

Tasmanians will be spared a multi-million dollar bill for modifying Devonport’s wharf, with last-minute changes to plans for the state’s new Bass Strait ferries.

Acting Premier Eric Abetz said this afternoon the new approach followed receipt of a $26 million consultant’s report.

“Our Melbourne experts have changed their outlook on the future of Bass Strait passenger transport,” Abetz said.

“It seems most of the passengers on the existing Bass Strait service are freeloading grey nomads,” he told The New Examiner. “They arrive in Devonport with a clean pair of underpants and a $20 note, and don’t change either before returning to Geelong.”

Abetz said millions of travellers were expected in Hobart to visit the new stadium, and they weren’t interested in sailing to Devonport.

“Devonport is a s**thole,” Abetz said. “The good people of the mainland want to fly in to Hobart, spent a lot of money, then head home again. They don’t want to waste time looking at the questionable attractions of North West Tasmania.”

The Acting Premier said Spirit IV, currently en route to Scotland, will be diverted to a permanent mooring off Sandy Bay.

“Tasmania’s biggest employer, Federal Group, has agreed to lease the unwanted vessel for a peppercorn rent,” he said.

“It will allow room to expand the company’s popular gaming operations, as well as potentially provide housing for Hobart’s idle and unemployed.”

Abetz said the second new vessel, currently still in Finland, will potentially be used to provide a further boost to Tasmania’s tourism industry.

“At this stage, we’re likely to have it scuttled off Maria Island for use as a dive wreck.”

Abetz said the $4 billion cost of the ferries would be recovered through new efficiency dividends imposed on the Health Department.

13/09/2024