NewExaminer

30/11/2024

SMELLY SEWAGE SOLUTION

Thousands of mainland tourists will be spared the stench of stinking sewage, with the government announcing a plan to shift Hobart’s s**t upriver.

One of the final sticking points to the development of a world-class entertainment precinct was the relocation of the Macquarie Point treatment plant.

But according to acting Premier Eric Abetz, pumping effluent to a new facility on the banks of the river is the correct solution.

“Good folk coming to Tasmania to experience world-class entertainment certainly don’t expect to be assaulted with the smell of effluent,” Mr Abetz said.

“But working people in the lesser suburbs of Hobart, like Lutana, would be accustomed to a lower standard of amenity.”

Abetz said residents of the northern suburbs, typically single mothers and the idle unemployed, could gain strength from being exposed to the effluent of those from the better suburbs downstream.

“Everybody will benefit from the increased economic activity the new stadium will provide,” Abetz said. “And a whiff of barely-treated sewage might remind those Tasmanians living a life of luxury on welfare, while their betters work hard and pay taxes isn't fair."

The estimated cost of relocating the Macquarie Point sewerage plant is $1.3 billion, which Mr Abetz said would be covered by efficiency dividends imposed on the Health Department.

09/11/2024

F**k. There's no way we can compete with this sort of satire We're cooked.

McQuestin was recently fined $40,000 breaching electoral advertising laws…

09/11/2024

"THEY’RE DESTROYING CHRISTMAS" – SANDY BAY MAN

A retired pharmacist from Lower Sandy Bay claims the spirit of Christmas is being destroyed.

Malcolm Arnold says rather than celebrating the birth of Jesus, increasing numbers of thoughtless individuals are trying to turn the important religious occasion into a carnival.

“Already, some of the less tasteful local residents have adorned their dwellings with lights and inflatable reindeer,” Arnold complained.

“And although I avoid shopping at the best of times, I’m told Coles and Woolworths are already stocking trinkets that shouldn’t be on display for at least another month.”

“Advent should be a time for fasting and reflection, not opening calendars containing chocolate or craft beer,” he said.

“As for the Christmas Tree, it should be taken down after the 12 days of Christmas have been completed.”

Arnold, who says he enjoys reading, watching television and lawn care, plans to let his offending neighbours know exactly what he thinks.

“I’ll be putting a message in their letterboxes soon, don’t you worry about that,” he said.

06/11/2024

We had a dream last night (the Royal we) and decided The New Examiner would return to full-time publishing once Mr Kudelka, aka whisky-sniffing weirdo, has more likes than we do. Over to you. Yes, that's a challenge.

https://www.facebook.com/kudelkacartoons

Retired cartoonist who still paints a bit and enjoys a nice stroll

http://www.kudelka.com.au
http://www.kudelkashop.com
Point To Pinnacle https://pointtopinnacle2025.grassrootz.com/menzies-institute-for-medical-research/jon-kudelka-captain-quoll

05/11/2024

TOURISM BONANZA COMING FOR HOBART

Hobart could soon have a new world-class tourism attraction to rival Mount Rushmore in the United States.

Premier & Tourism Minister, Jeremy Rockfliff, floated the idea today, arguing Tasmania needed to use all its available assets to promote economic growth.

“Every year, millions of tourists flock to Mount Rushmore in South Dakota,” he said.

“And Hobart has the magnificent backdrop of Mount Wellington, which is crying out to be developed.”

Rockliff said the faces of famous Tasmanians could be carved into the Organ Pipes, suggesting notable figures like David Boon, Robin Gray and Errol Flynn would be suitable.

“Image being able to travel on the cable car, admire the sculptures at close hand, and then enjoy some cold tinnies at the Boonie Bar at the summit.”

Admitting that Tasmania’s finances were stretched, Rockliff said Tasmania had plenty of artists and sculptors looking for work.

“Let’s face it, most of our artistic types are already on the dole, so at least they’d be doing something in return for the handouts they’re already receiving.”

“Plus, they’d get valuable exposure, and something new to put on their resume.”

30/10/2024

BREAKING NEWS – NEW FATE FOR FERRIES

Tasmanians will be spared a multi-million dollar bill for modifying Devonport’s wharf, with last-minute changes to plans for the state’s new Bass Strait ferries.

Acting Premier Eric Abetz said this afternoon the new approach followed receipt of a $26 million consultant’s report.

“Our Melbourne experts have changed their outlook on the future of Bass Strait passenger transport,” Abetz said.

“It seems most of the passengers on the existing Bass Strait service are freeloading grey nomads,” he told The New Examiner. “They arrive in Devonport with a clean pair of underpants and a $20 note, and don’t change either before returning to Geelong.”

Abetz said millions of travellers were expected in Hobart to visit the new stadium, and they weren’t interested in sailing to Devonport.

“Devonport is a s**thole,” Abetz said. “The good people of the mainland want to fly in to Hobart, spent a lot of money, then head home again. They don’t want to waste time looking at the questionable attractions of North West Tasmania.”

The Acting Premier said Spirit IV, currently en route to Scotland, will be diverted to a permanent mooring off Sandy Bay.

“Tasmania’s biggest employer, Federal Group, has agreed to lease the unwanted vessel for a peppercorn rent,” he said.

“It will allow room to expand the company’s popular gaming operations, as well as potentially provide housing for Hobart’s idle and unemployed.”

Abetz said the second new vessel, currently still in Finland, will potentially be used to provide a further boost to Tasmania’s tourism industry.

“At this stage, we’re likely to have it scuttled off Maria Island for use as a dive wreck.”

Abetz said the $4 billion cost of the ferries would be recovered through new efficiency dividends imposed on the Health Department.