16/01/2025
Are You Okay?
We all have friends and family who, with the best of intentions, ask, "Are you okay?" especially during our toughest moments. But when you're in the middle of a caregiving crisis, the concept of being "okay" can feel like a distant mirage.
When we pour from an empty cup, despite our best efforts to care for ourselves, "okay" simply doesn't exist.
What Is "Okay"?
• Imagine years of hyper-vigilance, never sleeping soundly because every noise could be a call for help. One incident, and all that self-management crumbles.
• Constantly worrying about every sound – have they fallen? Did they take their medications?
• As a caregiver, the relentless "what ifs" – what if I miss something? How can I keep everyone safe? Why is there now silence?
The mind never rests, and for many caregivers, "okay" is a concept that seems unattainable. Checking in with "Are you okay?" is a way to see if someone is managing or coping. But for caregivers, "okay" and "alright" are distant hopes – dreams of a day when life is easier, the mind is at peace, and balance is restored. OKAY relates to emotions…
Why "Are You Okay?" Might Not Be the Best Question for Caregivers.
🌿💖 Caregivers need more than the question "Are you okay?" Because frankly, when my friends ask me that, I immediately think, "Have you not understood what I have to deal with daily?"
Let’s be real—it is way too easy to simply say "YES, I’m OK" than to confront the exhaustion, stress, fatigue, and burnout… caregivers face everyday.
A Better Way to Check In
We've all seen the memes: "You wouldn’t let this happen to your phone…why let it happen to you? Self-care is important"
As caregivers, we are often sitting in the red for energy resource available. What that looks like in real life, no energy to make a meal for ourselves, no energy to wash or brush our hair and yes sometimes the thought of getting to the bathroom to brush my teeth has been too exhausting. Forgetting to take our Vitamin D even though the Dr says it will help our energy levels. Our bandwidth (lifeforce) is full of the needs of everyone else. The problem is We as Caregivers CARE deeply for others so please do not pile any more pressure on us to ‘look after yourself’ we understand that and we would if we had the energy left to.
At the time of writing this it is a few weeks past the end of 2024 holiday period where I had a break from my fulltime ‘paid employment’ and instead of my planned ‘look after myself down time’ I was thrown right into a carer crisis having to deal with ambulances, hospitals, DR’s supports services… That was 10 days of trauma over the holiday break, and returning to work the welcome back ‘ice breaker’ was to share what you did over the break… to hear everyone share stories of how they enjoyed their time off... my response was it was OKAY?
Am I painting the picture of how OKAY is not OKAY…
A response of OKAY speaks volumes with caregivers. They don’t want to bring the mood down, they don’t want to expose themselves, and they have little in their battery to respond.
A New Approach
Let's find another way to ask someone—carer or not—how they are, showing genuine interest and offering a way to express themselves honestly. I was listening to Jay Shetty and David Ko CEO of Calm, on Jay’s podcast discussing David’s book Recharge.
David was visiting a friend who shared that she uses another way to check in on her family. David asked if he could take that concept and started testing it on family, friends, and colleagues. He then wrote the book Recharge. Are you OKAY was replaced with how charged is your battery?
While listening to the podcast, I thought how good it would be for people to use this approach. Imagine if family, friends, health professionals, and even the wellbeing teams at work asked, "How charged is your battery?"
Think about what happens when you hear that question. Did you stop for a moment and think about where you are on the energy scale of your internal resource battery?
Every time I ask that question, I visualize where I am at. Now, consider asking a friend you are concerned about: "Are you okay?" vs "How’s your battery?"
"Are you okay?" is likely to get an automated response, while "How’s your battery?" is likely to make them check in and pause.
By asking more thoughtful and specific questions, we can offer caregivers the space to open up and feel truly understood.
Together, let's create a community where caregivers can find real comfort, understanding, and strength. 🌸💪
Next post I will share some ways I refill my cup and recharge my battery. If you have a friend who is a care giver, carer or yourself need to refill your cup then please follow along, share with a friend and show that you care.
