28/06/2026
Just got a speeding ticket from Victoria Police. Currently waiting to see if they drop the fine or send a tactical squad to arrest me for Grand Theft Auto: Infant Division.
According to their official ticket, I was clocked speeding through Shepparton on August 15th, 1968.
There are only two minor flaws in their logic:
1. I drive a Nissan Bluebird, not the 1968 Honda Saloon they listed.
2. I was born at the Royal Women's Hospital at 5:00 PM on that exact day.
I sent them a letter below explaining that for their timeline to make sense, my 90-minute-old newborn self had to escape the bassinet, hijack a car, and rocket up the Goulburn Valley Highway at 1,000 km/h.
Place your bets now on how they reply! 🏎️👶⏱️
____________________________________________________________________
Victoria Police Traffic Camera Office
GPO Box 1916, Melbourne VIC 3001
Good morning,
RE: INFRINGEMENT NOTICE N3735700 (OR MY APPARENT TIME-TRAVELING CRIMES)
Yesterday, I was handed the above speeding ticket while returning home to Shepparton over the long weekend. While I appreciate the hard work of your highway patrol, this letter is not excellent. I have a few massive, logically impossible concerns regarding this notice. I am hoping you can either clear them up or, ideally, delete this from your system and pretend we never met.
First, your ticket claims the "date of offense" was August 15th, 1968, at 6:30 PM.
This is deeply alarming. I didn't get my driver’s license until 1990. I don't love the idea of being backdated for unlicensed driving. Because my memory of the late 60s is a bit hazy, I rang my mother to see if she remembered what I was doing that evening.
Coincidentally, she informed me that I was being born.
According to Mum, I popped into the world at 5:00 PM at The Royal Women's Hospital in Carlton. For me to get from a Melbourne maternity ward to the outskirts of Shepparton by 6:30 PM, my newborn self would have had to crawl out of the bassinet, hijack a vehicle in the hospital parking lot, and head north up the Goulburn Valley Highway at roughly 1,000 km/h. If your highway patrol clocked me doing that, they weren't holding a speed gun—they were holding a NASA rocket tracker upside down.
It gets weirder. Your ticket lists the license plate as AEH924. That is the plate on my current car: a dark grey Nissan Bluebird SSS boasting dual cup holders, electric windows, and 1800cc of pure, unadulterated grunt. Crucially, the Nissan factory did not install a "Back to the Future" DeLorean package on this model.
Furthermore, your ticket states the vehicle clocked was a Honda saloon. How a 1968 Honda morphed into my 2000s Nissan Bluebird is a medical mystery. My only logical hypothesis is that this Honda was a top-secret prototype equipped with an A-Team style automated rotating license plate, used to evade the law and facilitate high-stakes bank robberies.
So, to recap your official police timeline:
On the day of my birth, I escaped the maternity ward, hijacked a high-powered, shapeshifting Honda prototype, drove to Greater Shepparton at Mach 1, and accidentally triggered a license plate mechanism to match a car I wouldn't buy for decades. The mathematical odds of me guessing that exact plate are 1 in 308,915,776. I should probably buy a lotto ticket.
Since we have now established that I am a newborn criminal mastermind, I assume a tactical operations squad is heading to my house to arrest me for:
• Grand Theft Auto (Infant Division)
• Driving without a license (or teeth)
• Breaking the literal sound barrier on the Goulburn Valley Highway
• Operating an illegal James Bond license plate matrix
If you could explain how I broke the laws of space and time, I'd appreciate it. Otherwise, I’m happy to let bygones be bygones. I really need that cash. I’m currently lowering my Nissan, installing an obnoxiously loud wastegate, and preparing it for illegal street drags down Wyndham Street and around the Shepparton Marketplace car park.
Thanks for the laugh. I look forward to your reply.
Kind regards,
Billy
Infant Speed Demon / Time Traveler
