01/06/2026
Before I share next month's food-for-thought, here is this month's one last time in case you haven't read it yet. It's about the things we do throughout our lives in order to fit in (we've all done it to some degree at one time or another). From a strictly evolutionary perspective, humans are social creatures who have survived as a species by forming groups for safety, food, and cooperation. But from a psychological standpoint, despite our brains being hardwired for connection, trauma rewires us for protection. This leaves many of us simultaneously desperate to belong, yet feeling isolated and lonely. So, what do we do?
Some people go through a phase or an entire lifetime pretending to be something they are not in an attempt to appease their need for connection and inclusion. I never thought I would share details of my adolescent Goth stage to illustrate a point, but I share everything else with you, so why not?
On the outside, I looked the part with black nail polish and eyeliner listening to The Cure, but I was a fraud, secretly listening to R&B and Hip-Hop on the side. And since nothing makes us feel more alone than our secrets, if we lie about who we are in order to be liked, we fulfill one need (acceptance) by sacrificing another (authenticity). It's like drinking poison just because you are thirsty, or setting yourself on fire just to keep others warm.
While Buddhism acknowledges the importance of community as biologically necessary and even essential for our well-being (hence the Sangha as the third jewel), the Buddha DID warn us of the ego's tendency to take it a step too far and attach our identity to that community, whatever it may be, because the ego has a desire to matter, to be accepted, and even celebrated, which is where anxiety, comparison, and insecurities come in.
The key to balancing our need for connection while avoiding the slippery slope of getting too attached or completely lost, is to relate to others through empathy (which is our greatest strength, not a weakness), but to never gauge our sense of worth based on any community or society accepting us in return.
This can be confusing because our need to belong is natural, healthy, and necessary, but the craving for acceptance is egocentric, fragile, and unstable. It's no wonder many of us feel stuck between wanting connection, but resenting social convention pressuring us to conform in order to belong.
Did I really need those piercings and to dye my hair blue just to enjoy the Lollapalooza concerts in the early 90s, or was that just my ego trying fit in? At first, I made the mistake of thinking that to truly belong to a group, they would need to accept me as one of their own. But since I can't control what others think of me, it doesn't matter what I wear or if I dye my hair, "belonging" isn't up to me. Now I realize that it isn't up to anyone else either, because without even trying, we ALL already belong—we are interconnected.
Some groups may not accept you with open arms and it's going to sting, but that pain is just a bruised ego. Rejection does not negate anyone's inherent belonging and self-worth. We all matter, whether some people like it or not.
I have dual citizenship, for example, yet some Americans don't consider me equally American because I wasn't born in the U.S. This would only be a problem if I craved their acceptance and approval, but, believe me, identifying as "American" is at the bottom of my list of concerns. As sung by Alanis Morissette (technically a Canadian), "I am a Citizen of the Planet; my president is Guan Yin" (the Goddess of compassion, mercy, and kindness).
What I'm saying is that you are worthy whether you are included or excluded because your worth is not contingent on anyone else; it's predetermined.
The Buddha's realization was that he wasn't even separate from the tree under which he was meditating; they were one. We all are.
My invitation is for us to bring that level of awareness into every interaction, and to see everyone and everything as an extension of ourselves.
You don't need to "prove your worth," and you certainly don't need to pretend to be something you are not in order to belong. Simply shift your perspective from "Me" to "We," and reject any notion of social hierarchy.
We are in this together. One, big, dysfunctional family.
With much love from your brother,
Timber Hawkeye
