Placencia Coconut Telegraph

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Through the power of social media, the Placencia Coconut Telegraph aims to address hot topics in and around our community through a satirical and sarcastic lens.

LOCAL CHICKEN JOINT TO OFFER NEW LINE OF EXOTIC WINGSIn what many residents are calling “the logical end result of unche...
14/12/2025

LOCAL CHICKEN JOINT TO OFFER NEW LINE OF EXOTIC WINGS

In what many residents are calling “the logical end result of unchecked development,” Rooster Joe’s announced this week that it will begin serving a new line of “Exotic Wings,” featuring parrot, scarlet macaw, and toucan, smoked over freshly harvested mangrove.

The announcement appeared tone deaf as Placencia continues to grapple with the clearing of mangroves by developers, whose luxury projects have transformed once-protected coastlines into piles of lumber and resentment. Rather than letting that wood go to waste, Rooster Joe’s owner Joe R. says he saw an opportunity. “Look, the mangroves are already cut,” Joe explained. “They’re just sitting there. I don’t see why we shouldn’t use them to enhance flavor. Sustainability is about using what you have, right?”

The restaurant’s new Exotic Wings are being offered in traditional sauces like buffalo and honey garlic, though Joe insists the mangrove-smoked preparation is “where these new options really shine.”

To appeal to families, Rooster Joe’s also announced a kids’ menu addition: hummingbird wings, served naked “because kids don’t really appreciate seasoning other than ketchup anyway.”

Outrage was swift. “This is exactly what happens when greedy, foreign developers come in, cut down our mangroves, and nobody stops them,” said one furious local. “Now we’re apparently eating our beloved birds too? Nothing is safe from those people.”

Joe appeared genuinely surprised by the backlash. “People come to Placencia to try exotic things,” he said. “Every bar sells chicken wings. We just wanted to offer something new and memorable”

The move reflects a broader culinary arms race in the village, as eateries scramble to outdo one another following news first broken in October by the Placencia Coconut Telegraph that a planned McDonald’s location would be testing an oxtail burger. Rumors now swirl of a coatimundi steak already in development at another local establishment, reportedly to be paired with craft martinis and zero self-awareness.

Undeterred, Joe confirmed the kitchen is already developing its next menu item: parrotfish bites served with a creamy dipping sauce. “We’re calling it Chicken of the Reef,” he said proudly. “It’s catchy, it’s familiar, and technically, fish are kind of like chickens of the sea. People will love it.”

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

LOCAL GROCÉRIAS TO SELL NEW WEEVILLESS FLOURIn a historic move that is sure to shake the local baking community to its v...
16/11/2025

LOCAL GROCÉRIAS TO SELL NEW WEEVILLESS FLOUR

In a historic move that is sure to shake the local baking community to its very core, the Placencia Grocery Association (PGA) announced this week that all village grocérias will now offer two distinct types of flour: “Basic” and “Pro.”

The announcement comes after days of feedback from customers who reportedly wanted “less protein” in their Johnny cakes. According to the PGA, the new “Basic” flour will be sifted to remove flour weevils entirely, while “Pro” flour will remain unchanged, a hearty option for those who appreciate a little extra crunch.

“The ‘Pro’ stands for protein,” explained PGA spokesperson Mei Lin Wong during a press briefing held between the rice and ramen aisles of a local grocéria. “Some people still like the traditional taste. Our villagers are very strong. Weevils make them stronger.”

The new Basic flour will cost approximately $0.69 more per bag to compensate grocérias for the complex weevil-removal process, which insiders say involves “vigorous shaking and a lot of hope.”

Local store owner Mr. Chen, of Chen’s Supermarket, expressed cautious optimism. “People complain too much,” he said while restocking dented cans of condensed milk. “Before, they say, ‘Too many bugs.’ Now they say, ‘Too expensive.’ Maybe next time they want flour that makes bread by itself.”

Customers, meanwhile, appear split on the change. “I don’t mind a few weevils,” said one longtime resident. “They’re part of the flavor, kind of like a Placencia spice.” Others were more enthusiastic: “Finally, I can bake without explaining to my kids that the black dots are just seasoning.”

The PGA hopes the new flour labeling system will help everyone find their comfort zone. “We are listening to the people,” said Wong. “If they like, maybe next year we do Premium, no bugs and tastes like rum.”

For now, villagers are left deciding whether they’re Basic, Pro, or just nostalgic for the days when protein walked right out of the bag.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

FAMILY DOG SAVES CHILD FROM GIANT MOSQUITOSWith the rainy season in full swing, residents of Placencia have resigned the...
26/10/2025

FAMILY DOG SAVES CHILD FROM GIANT MOSQUITOS

With the rainy season in full swing, residents of Placencia have resigned themselves to the familiar ritual of swatting, scratching, and sprinting for cover. But this year, the mosquito situation appears to have gone from “annoying” to “apocalyptic.”

“You can’t go outside around dark without being swarmed,” said one weary villager. “It’s like they’ve been training all dry season for this.”

Experts say the current outbreak may involve a newly observed species, Aedes gigantis belizianus, known for its thunderous wingbeats and tendency to cast a small shadow. Local reports describe them as “roughly the size of a parrot” and “meaner than a sandfly with something to prove.”

The growing threat turned dramatic this week when a small child playing in her yard was nearly carried away by a squadron of these oversized insects. Witnesses say the child was lifted several inches off the ground before the family’s quick-thinking dog leapt into action.

“Our Bella’s a hero,” said the girl’s mother, still shaken by the incident. “She saw my daughter rising into the air like a kite and just lunged. Grabbed her by the diaper and dragged her right back inside. We owe her everything, and probably a scooby snack.”

The Ministry of Flying Objects issued a statement acknowledging the situation. “We are aware of the unusually large mosquito population this season,” said a spokesperson. “We encourage residents to wear long sleeves, use repellent, and avoid leaving small pets or children unattended outdoors.”

With dry season just around the corner, villagers are hopeful the mosquito menace will soon subside. “We’re all looking forward to fewer mosquitoes,” said one resident. “Or at least smaller ones, you know, the kind you can kill with a clap, not a cricket bat.”

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

THE HAMBURGLAR STRIKES IN PLACENCIAThis week’s hottest street gossip in the village wasn’t about politics, potholes, or ...
19/10/2025

THE HAMBURGLAR STRIKES IN PLACENCIA

This week’s hottest street gossip in the village wasn’t about politics, potholes, or even the latest power outage. Instead, the Coconut Telegraph lit up with rumors that someone had mysteriously bought out every pound of oxtail in Placencia.

After days of speculation and a little undercover snooping at Coolspot (where all good tea eventually gets spilled to the baristas), the culprit was revealed: none other than McDonald’s. The fast-food giant has been quietly stockpiling oxtail to test a new Placencia-only menu item for the upcoming McDonald’s Express, the world’s first McDonald’s to operate entirely out of a shipping container.

The new location, across from Coolspot, is set to feature a drive-through and a handful of tables. The container-based McDonald’s will debut its most daring experiment yet: the Sunday-only Oxtail Burger.

Reaction in the village has been mixed. “This is huge,” said a local tour guide while polishing his fishing skiff. “I’ve been saying for years we need more global brands here. First McDonald’s, then Uber, and before you know it, Placencia is basically Miami, but with better beaches.”

Others are less enthused. A local restaurateur wasn’t mincing her words: “Good luck getting oxtail. Demand has been insane, and I couldn’t even get any this week. If McDonald’s thinks they can muscle in on my turf, they’ll find out Belizean’s will furiously take to Facebook to complain about it.”

McDonald’s corporate, meanwhile, is standing tall. “We are proud to open the first-ever McDonald’s in Belize,” said a spokesperson. “By blending our global classics with local favorites, we’re creating a menu that celebrates both culture and innovation. The Oxtail Burger is just the beginning.”

And Placencia may not stop at Big Macs and fries. Sources say more well-known chains are finalizing agreements to join the site across from Coolspot, transforming it into the village’s non-stop-shop for fast food indulgence.

For now, villagers are left debating: is the Hamburglar a culinary visionary, or too far ahead of his time?

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

PRESIDENT TRUMP TO MEET WITH MAGA LEADERSHIP ON PENINSULAIn an announcement no one saw coming and fewer still asked for,...
12/10/2025

PRESIDENT TRUMP TO MEET WITH MAGA LEADERSHIP ON PENINSULA

In an announcement no one saw coming and fewer still asked for, President Donald Trump confirmed this week he will travel to the Placencia Peninsula to host what he calls “the most important, most secret, most powerful meeting of the High Council of MAGA.”

The gathering is scheduled to take place at the Roast Leaf resort in Riversdale, whose owner gushed at the chance to host the event. “We are deeply honored to welcome such an esteemed guest,” the proprietor said, while quietly Googling how many MAGA hats can be bulk-ordered overnight to resell at his bar.

Trump himself expressed uncharacteristic excitement about his tropical getaway. “I’ve heard the peninsula has the most beautiful views of the Atlantic Ocean, tremendous views, the best views; and I’ve been told there are some of the most beautiful women in all of South America. People are saying it,” Trump declared, casually relocating Belize a few hundred miles south for rhetorical convenience.

Air Force One is set to land at the “soon-to-be-completed” International Airport near the resort, where Trump plans to hold a press conference announcing that the U.S. Space Force will personally bankroll the airport’s completion. “It’s going to be a world-class space hub, believe me. Rockets, satellites, maybe even hotels. Space Force loves Belize now,” Trump said.

“I think it’s fantastic,” said one local MAGA supporter proudly flying a Trump 2024 flag from his fishing skiff. “Finally, we’re getting the attention we deserve.” But not everyone on the peninsula is thrilled, a Canadian expat living nearby had a different take. “Honestly, it’d be better if Justin Trudeau came down,” she sighed while sipping a rum punch. “At least he knows which ocean this is.”

In addition to convening with MAGA’s top brass, Trump is expected to meet with a fledgling Belizean grassroots political group, Make Belize Great, which aims to become the country’s ruling party. Analysts predict this alliance could mark the dawn of a new geopolitical era or, at the very least, the dawn of Placencia’s newest souvenir shop specializing in red baseball caps and Space Force coconuts.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

SUCCESSFUL SIDEWALK PROJECT TO EXPANDBig news this week from the Ministry of Pedestrian Affairs, which announced that th...
05/10/2025

SUCCESSFUL SIDEWALK PROJECT TO EXPAND

Big news this week from the Ministry of Pedestrian Affairs, which announced that the wildly successful sidewalk stretching from Seine Bight to Maya Beach will soon be joined by an identical one, on the other side of the road.

The decision follows reports of heavy sidewalk congestion, with pedestrians and cyclists frequently ignoring the new path and continuing to stroll straight down the middle of the road.

“Our surveys show the new sidewalk is simply too popular,” explained Deputy Minister Harold C, proudly gesturing toward an empty stretch of concrete. “People are walking both directions on the same side, causing near-total gridlock. The logical solution is two sidewalks, one for northbound and one for southbound traffic. Safety first, fiscal responsibility ninety-ninth.”

The $12 million expansion will add another 12 miles of walkway from Seine Bight to Maya Beach and expand onward to Caribbean Way, creating what some are already calling “the Placencia Peninsula Pedestrian Parkway.” The lucrative contract was awarded to CaribCon Construction Ltd., a company coincidentally owned by the Minister’s brother-in-law.

Peninsula Village Council member Hector V praised the move, calling it “a shining example of how all our communities, Placencia, Seine Bight, Maya Beach, and even Caribbean Way, are improving and benefiting from the tourism boom. We’re walking into the future together, one foot of freshly poured concrete at a time.”

Some residents quietly wondered whether the project might have made more sense to head south into Placencia Village, but ministry officials were clear: “The people have spoken with their feet, and what the people want, the people get.”

This author wonders what’s next: maybe a pedestrian traffic circle– why should cars have all the fun?

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

NEW MAYAN TCHOTCHKE  MACHINES ARRIVE IN PLACENCIAIn a bold pivot to meet the demands of the avocado-toast-loving, Instag...
14/09/2025

NEW MAYAN TCHOTCHKE MACHINES ARRIVE IN PLACENCIA

In a bold pivot to meet the demands of the avocado-toast-loving, Instagram-scrolling millennial market, Placencia’s beloved Mayan basket vendors are hanging up their walking shoes. Gone are the days of weaving through beach chairs or popping into beach bars with an armful of palm-frond baskets.

Instead, the new strategy? Repurposed Coca-Cola vending machines.

That’s right. Once dispensing sugary fuel for backpackers, these vintage red giants have been given a new lease on life. Insert your card, punch in a code, and watch as a perfectly woven basket or carved turtle figurine drops into the tray with a satisfying clunk.

“We realized millennials like two things,” said a spokesperson for the Mayan Vendors Association, adjusting her embroidered blouse. “Convenience and irony. What’s more ironic than buying an ancient craft from a modern vending machine?”

But the innovation doesn’t stop there. In true "Don’t Stop the Carnival" fashion, the vendors plan to expand into claw machines. For just $5 BZD a try, you can test your hand-eye coordination for the chance to sn**ch up a miniature basket or bead bracelet.

Local characters are already weighing in:

Doge, local beachside philosopher: “Back in my day, you had to walk ten miles in the sun just to politely lignore a basket vendor. Now? You can ignore a whole vending machine in the shade. Progress, mein!”

Scoobie, part-time tour guide, full-time conspiracy theorist: “This is just step one, man. First it’s baskets in vending machines, next it’ll be w**d in the claw machines. Mark my words.”

Barry, professional barstool commentator: “I don’t care how they sell it. If that machine starts doing two-for-one baskets during happy hour, I’m in.”

Visiting millennials, meanwhile, are thrilled. One visitor from Brooklyn was overheard saying: “I was gonna buy a basket anyway, but this way I can film myself buying it for TikTok. That’s, like, way more authentic.”

Economists predict this move could revolutionize Placencia’s souvenir economy, with vending and claw machines poised to replace not only basket sales but perhaps even duty-free shops at the airport. “Why haggle in the sun when you can tap your Apple Watch and walk away with a beautifully, hand-crafted table runner?” mused one observer.

The Coconut Telegraph will continue to monitor this basket-to-machine revolution closely. Rumors already swirl about future expansions: a Mayan-themed crypto ATM, a NFT line of digital baskets, and— if negotiations with Belikin succeed— an interactive beer-and-basket combo dispenser.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

PVC TO ERECT CLOSED SIGN AT PENINSULA ENTRANCEIn an unprecedented show of brutal honesty, the Peninsula Village Council ...
07/09/2025

PVC TO ERECT CLOSED SIGN AT PENINSULA ENTRANCE

In an unprecedented show of brutal honesty, the Peninsula Village Council announced this week that it will erect a giant “CLOSED” sign at the entrance to the peninsula, effectively warning tourists not to bother coming during the months of September and October.

The decision comes amid the annual “slow season,” a two-month stretch so quiet that even hermit crabs are reportedly booking trips elsewhere. With restaurants shuttered, bars running on “we’ll see” schedules, and hotels offering discounts so deep they resemble charity, locals admit the writing is already on the wall, or in this case, the sign.

“Look, we’ve been shutting down every year anyway,” said PVC spokesperson Gnomey Andorson, who admitted her family would be cooking at home far more than usual. “When every restaurant is closed, your only choices are beans, rice, or beans and rice. The sign just makes it official.”

Critics worry the move could teach tourists to permanently avoid Placencia during the fall, creating what one economist described as “a rare tourism self-fulfilling prophecy.” But others argue the strategy merely saves everyone the hassle.

“Why lure people down here just so they can stare at locked doors?” asked one local shop owner. “If tourists want that, they can visit a shopping mall in Cleveland.”

The PVC confirmed the “CLOSED” sign will be illuminated with solar-powered lights and accompanied by a smaller sign underneath reading: “Try again in November.”

Despite concerns, many villagers are embracing the break. “I work very hard all the time, I’ll survive,” said fisherman Boyle Gardner, hauling in his nets. “At least now I can eat my catch in peace without someone asking if it’s gluten-free.”

While Placencia is highly regarded as a go-to destination for many visitors to Belize, for two months, at least, paradise is officially out of office.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

PVC AND SBVC UNITE TO FORM PENINSULA VILLAGE COUNCILIn a move shocking locals almost as much as $12 Coronas, the long-fe...
24/08/2025

PVC AND SBVC UNITE TO FORM PENINSULA VILLAGE COUNCIL

In a move shocking locals almost as much as $12 Coronas, the long-feuding Placencia Village Council (PVC) and Seine Bight Village Council (SBVC) have agreed to merge, creating a new unified Peninsula Village Council to govern Placencia, Seine Bight, Maya Beach, and Riversdale.

The agreement marks the end of decades of side-eye glances, passive-aggressive festival scheduling, and accusations that Seine Bight “just copies Placencia, but with more drums.”

Recent years have seen Seine Bight’s stock rise, with shiny new infrastructure including a Garifuna Cultural Center, a police station, litter-free streets, and a state-of-the-art synthetic football field that has left Placencia playing to catch up.

Under the new system, each community will finally have representation: Placencia and Seine Bight will get two, elected council members each, while Maya Beach and Riversdale will snag one apiece.

The seventh seat, the chairperson, will be determined by a tug-of-war between current PVC and SBVC members. “We figured it was the only fair way,” said PVC chairman Garrett Warbutt, sipping a Bud Light Lime under a coconut tree. “Our guys have been maxing out on leg day, so I feel pretty confident.”

SBVC chairman Juan Alibaba, seated next to him in the shade, agreed—sort of. “Placencia does not stand a chance, but no matter who wins, at least now all of our tax money will be pooled and can be put to work making all peninsula communities better places to live.”

Locals are cautiously optimistic about the historic alliance. As one Riversdale resident put it: “If this works out, maybe by 2030 we’ll get a sidewalk too.” The date and location of the tug-of-war is yet to be announced, but you can buy your tickets now for $20 Belizean Pesos at either village council office.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

INDIAN NAVY TO SOLVE PLACENCIA’S SARGASSUM STENCHIn what experts are calling the boldest international odor-control oper...
17/08/2025

INDIAN NAVY TO SOLVE PLACENCIA’S SARGASSUM STENCH

In what experts are calling the boldest international odor-control operation in history, the Indian Navy has announced it will deploy its one-of-a-kind incense-burning vessel, the INS Agarbatti Express, to combat Placencia’s overwhelming sargassum stench.

Launching from the Western Naval Command in Mumbai, the 12,000-ton “floating temple of sandalwood smoke” is equipped with the world’s largest incense sticks, each reportedly the size of a telephone pole and capable of burning for 72 hours. Officials estimate the journey will take two months, plus an additional two weeks in Belize City to clear customs, which sources confirm will mostly involve paperwork about whether sandalwood counts as the import of wood.

“We are deeply grateful to the Indian Navy for coming to our rescue when our own government clearly couldn’t care less,” said the Peninsula Village Council chairman, standing in front of a half-buried mountain of rotting seaw**d. “For months we have begged for help, and now, finally, deliverance is coming in the form of a ship that smells like my grandmother’s yoga retreat.”

Local villagers are already celebrating the news. “I just want to breathe again,” said Placencia resident A. Leslie, who claims the toxic sargassum fumes recently fried her 97” flat-screen TV, toaster, and personal massager. “If I have to live another week in a house that smells like Satan’s armpit, I might swim out and push that incense ship here myself.”

Belizean businesses are also optimistic, hoping the Agarbatti Express will mask the odor long enough for tourists to believe the scent of “smoked seaw**d curry” is simply part of the cultural experience.

The ship is expected to anchor just off Placencia in late fall, blanketing the coastline in a permanent sandalwood haze. As one Indian naval officer put it: “Your beaches will no longer smell like death, they’ll smell like enlightenment.”

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

NEW BELIZEAN PESOS HIT THE STREET TO MIXED REVIEWSIn an effort to “modernize” the country’s currency, Belize this week r...
10/08/2025

NEW BELIZEAN PESOS HIT THE STREET TO MIXED REVIEWS

In an effort to “modernize” the country’s currency, Belize this week rolled out the brand-new Belizean Peso, a move that’s already got locals scratching their heads, reaching for reading glasses, and occasionally muttering words unfit for print.

“This new money looks like it came straight out of Chetumal,” complained Castillo, a taxi driver who says the notes are too close in design to Mexican pesos. “It’s bright, it’s busy, and where’s the toucan? Where’s the tapir? I loved my tapir.”

Gone, too, is the Queen, replaced by “important Belizean figures”, but the bills don’t actually say who they are. “That one’s probably Philip Goldson. Or maybe a young Bob Marley? I’m not sure,” admitted Ping, local shopkeper. In reality, Goldson appears on the $2, $10, and $50 notes, while George Price adorns the $5, $20, and $100. “Two people? That’s all we got? Couldn’t find room for Marie Sharp? She’s spicier than both of them combined,” quipped Alvarez.

One local, who asked to be identified only as E.N. Pemberton speculated that the mysterious figure on one note might be the sitting Prime Minister himself. “If you ask me, that’s him right there, smiling about finally getting the monarchy off our money,” Pemberton said, squinting at a crumpled bill.

Still, not all feedback was negative. “At least it’s not that depressing green stuff the Americans use,” noted Bennett, gesturing toward a U.S. $20 bill that looked like it had survived three hurricanes and a laundromat. “Ours looks like confetti in comparison. If you’re going to be broke, you might as well be broke in style.”

For now, the public remains divided, with some embracing the new “peso chic” aesthetic and others hoarding old bills as keepsakes of Belize’s past. The Central Bank has reassured citizens the currency is here to stay, whether or not anyone knows who’s actually on it.“

We’ll all figure it out eventually,” shrugged Castillo, tucking a still-unfamiliar $20 note into his wallet. “Or we’ll just call them ‘the red one’ and ‘the blue one’ like we always have.”

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

BELIZE TO HONDURAS: “CAN YOU WATCH OUR MANATEES? WE’RE BUSY BUILDING CONDOS!”In a groundbreaking act of environmental ou...
27/07/2025

BELIZE TO HONDURAS: “CAN YOU WATCH OUR MANATEES? WE’RE BUSY BUILDING CONDOS!”

In a groundbreaking act of environmental outsourcing, Belizean and Honduran officials have agreed to relocate Placencia’s manatee population to Honduras, a country deemed “slightly better at the whole preserving-nature thing.”

“We simply felt it was time to give these gentle creatures a shot at survival,” said a Belizean official, standing in front of an active construction site labeled Future Site of Manatee View Luxury Villas. “It’s clear we’re more focused on pouring concrete than protecting wetlands.”

Under the ambitious “Float and Tow” initiative, manatees will be gently lured into giant floating sea cages, then slowly tugged by boat across the Gulf of Honduras, a journey marine officials say may be “mildly traumatic but ultimately character-building.”

“Honduras has healthy mangroves, protected bays, and far fewer coastal development projects,” said a Honduran representative. “Plus, we really think these majestic blobs will make out tourism brochures really pop.”

Local environmentalist Melissa Hereus, who has spent over a decade researching the lagoon’s ecosystem, was less enthusiastic. “This isn’t conservation — it’s eviction with good PR,” she said. “We’re literally towing them away so we can build overpriced condos.”

Still, the plan has garnered support among developers. “Manatees are great and all, but they don’t pay rent,” said one real estate investor. “Once they’re gone, we can finally extend our dock and add that two-story martini bar we’ve been dreaming about.”

The first wave of manatees is expected to arrive in Honduras next week, where they will be met with seagrass, safer waters, and presumably no bulldozers.

As one anonymous Belizean official put it, “We didn’t lose the manatees, we just outsourced them.”

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

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