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Placencia Coconut Telegraph, Placencia (2025)

14/09/2025

NEW MAYAN TCHOTCHKE MACHINES ARRIVE IN PLACENCIA

In a bold pivot to meet the demands of the avocado-toast-loving, Instagram-scrolling millennial market, Placencia’s beloved Mayan basket vendors are hanging up their walking shoes. Gone are the days of weaving through beach chairs or popping into beach bars with an armful of palm-frond baskets.

Instead, the new strategy? Repurposed Coca-Cola vending machines.

That’s right. Once dispensing sugary fuel for backpackers, these vintage red giants have been given a new lease on life. Insert your card, punch in a code, and watch as a perfectly woven basket or carved turtle figurine drops into the tray with a satisfying clunk.

“We realized millennials like two things,” said a spokesperson for the Mayan Vendors Association, adjusting her embroidered blouse. “Convenience and irony. What’s more ironic than buying an ancient craft from a modern vending machine?”

But the innovation doesn’t stop there. In true "Don’t Stop the Carnival" fashion, the vendors plan to expand into claw machines. For just $5 BZD a try, you can test your hand-eye coordination for the chance to sn**ch up a miniature basket or bead bracelet.

Local characters are already weighing in:

Doge, local beachside philosopher: “Back in my day, you had to walk ten miles in the sun just to politely lignore a basket vendor. Now? You can ignore a whole vending machine in the shade. Progress, mein!”

Scoobie, part-time tour guide, full-time conspiracy theorist: “This is just step one, man. First it’s baskets in vending machines, next it’ll be w**d in the claw machines. Mark my words.”

Barry, professional barstool commentator: “I don’t care how they sell it. If that machine starts doing two-for-one baskets during happy hour, I’m in.”

Visiting millennials, meanwhile, are thrilled. One visitor from Brooklyn was overheard saying: “I was gonna buy a basket anyway, but this way I can film myself buying it for TikTok. That’s, like, way more authentic.”

Economists predict this move could revolutionize Placencia’s souvenir economy, with vending and claw machines poised to replace not only basket sales but perhaps even duty-free shops at the airport. “Why haggle in the sun when you can tap your Apple Watch and walk away with a beautifully, hand-crafted table runner?” mused one observer.

The Coconut Telegraph will continue to monitor this basket-to-machine revolution closely. Rumors already swirl about future expansions: a Mayan-themed crypto ATM, a NFT line of digital baskets, and— if negotiations with Belikin succeed— an interactive beer-and-basket combo dispenser.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

07/09/2025

PVC TO ERECT CLOSED SIGN AT PENINSULA ENTRANCE

In an unprecedented show of brutal honesty, the Peninsula Village Council announced this week that it will erect a giant “CLOSED” sign at the entrance to the peninsula, effectively warning tourists not to bother coming during the months of September and October.

The decision comes amid the annual “slow season,” a two-month stretch so quiet that even hermit crabs are reportedly booking trips elsewhere. With restaurants shuttered, bars running on “we’ll see” schedules, and hotels offering discounts so deep they resemble charity, locals admit the writing is already on the wall, or in this case, the sign.

“Look, we’ve been shutting down every year anyway,” said PVC spokesperson Gnomey Andorson, who admitted her family would be cooking at home far more than usual. “When every restaurant is closed, your only choices are beans, rice, or beans and rice. The sign just makes it official.”

Critics worry the move could teach tourists to permanently avoid Placencia during the fall, creating what one economist described as “a rare tourism self-fulfilling prophecy.” But others argue the strategy merely saves everyone the hassle.

“Why lure people down here just so they can stare at locked doors?” asked one local shop owner. “If tourists want that, they can visit a shopping mall in Cleveland.”

The PVC confirmed the “CLOSED” sign will be illuminated with solar-powered lights and accompanied by a smaller sign underneath reading: “Try again in November.”

Despite concerns, many villagers are embracing the break. “I work very hard all the time, I’ll survive,” said fisherman Boyle Gardner, hauling in his nets. “At least now I can eat my catch in peace without someone asking if it’s gluten-free.”

While Placencia is highly regarded as a go-to destination for many visitors to Belize, for two months, at least, paradise is officially out of office.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

24/08/2025

PVC AND SBVC UNITE TO FORM PENINSULA VILLAGE COUNCIL

In a move shocking locals almost as much as $12 Coronas, the long-feuding Placencia Village Council (PVC) and Seine Bight Village Council (SBVC) have agreed to merge, creating a new unified Peninsula Village Council to govern Placencia, Seine Bight, Maya Beach, and Riversdale.

The agreement marks the end of decades of side-eye glances, passive-aggressive festival scheduling, and accusations that Seine Bight “just copies Placencia, but with more drums.”

Recent years have seen Seine Bight’s stock rise, with shiny new infrastructure including a Garifuna Cultural Center, a police station, litter-free streets, and a state-of-the-art synthetic football field that has left Placencia playing to catch up.

Under the new system, each community will finally have representation: Placencia and Seine Bight will get two, elected council members each, while Maya Beach and Riversdale will snag one apiece.

The seventh seat, the chairperson, will be determined by a tug-of-war between current PVC and SBVC members. “We figured it was the only fair way,” said PVC chairman Garrett Warbutt, sipping a Bud Light Lime under a coconut tree. “Our guys have been maxing out on leg day, so I feel pretty confident.”

SBVC chairman Juan Alibaba, seated next to him in the shade, agreed—sort of. “Placencia does not stand a chance, but no matter who wins, at least now all of our tax money will be pooled and can be put to work making all peninsula communities better places to live.”

Locals are cautiously optimistic about the historic alliance. As one Riversdale resident put it: “If this works out, maybe by 2030 we’ll get a sidewalk too.” The date and location of the tug-of-war is yet to be announced, but you can buy your tickets now for $20 Belizean Pesos at either village council office.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

17/08/2025

INDIAN NAVY TO SOLVE PLACENCIA’S SARGASSUM STENCH

In what experts are calling the boldest international odor-control operation in history, the Indian Navy has announced it will deploy its one-of-a-kind incense-burning vessel, the INS Agarbatti Express, to combat Placencia’s overwhelming sargassum stench.

Launching from the Western Naval Command in Mumbai, the 12,000-ton “floating temple of sandalwood smoke” is equipped with the world’s largest incense sticks, each reportedly the size of a telephone pole and capable of burning for 72 hours. Officials estimate the journey will take two months, plus an additional two weeks in Belize City to clear customs, which sources confirm will mostly involve paperwork about whether sandalwood counts as the import of wood.

“We are deeply grateful to the Indian Navy for coming to our rescue when our own government clearly couldn’t care less,” said the Peninsula Village Council chairman, standing in front of a half-buried mountain of rotting seaw**d. “For months we have begged for help, and now, finally, deliverance is coming in the form of a ship that smells like my grandmother’s yoga retreat.”

Local villagers are already celebrating the news. “I just want to breathe again,” said Placencia resident A. Leslie, who claims the toxic sargassum fumes recently fried her 97” flat-screen TV, toaster, and personal massager. “If I have to live another week in a house that smells like Satan’s armpit, I might swim out and push that incense ship here myself.”

Belizean businesses are also optimistic, hoping the Agarbatti Express will mask the odor long enough for tourists to believe the scent of “smoked seaw**d curry” is simply part of the cultural experience.

The ship is expected to anchor just off Placencia in late fall, blanketing the coastline in a permanent sandalwood haze. As one Indian naval officer put it: “Your beaches will no longer smell like death, they’ll smell like enlightenment.”

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

10/08/2025

NEW BELIZEAN PESOS HIT THE STREET TO MIXED REVIEWS

In an effort to “modernize” the country’s currency, Belize this week rolled out the brand-new Belizean Peso, a move that’s already got locals scratching their heads, reaching for reading glasses, and occasionally muttering words unfit for print.

“This new money looks like it came straight out of Chetumal,” complained Castillo, a taxi driver who says the notes are too close in design to Mexican pesos. “It’s bright, it’s busy, and where’s the toucan? Where’s the tapir? I loved my tapir.”

Gone, too, is the Queen, replaced by “important Belizean figures”, but the bills don’t actually say who they are. “That one’s probably Philip Goldson. Or maybe a young Bob Marley? I’m not sure,” admitted Ping, local shopkeper. In reality, Goldson appears on the $2, $10, and $50 notes, while George Price adorns the $5, $20, and $100. “Two people? That’s all we got? Couldn’t find room for Marie Sharp? She’s spicier than both of them combined,” quipped Alvarez.

One local, who asked to be identified only as E.N. Pemberton speculated that the mysterious figure on one note might be the sitting Prime Minister himself. “If you ask me, that’s him right there, smiling about finally getting the monarchy off our money,” Pemberton said, squinting at a crumpled bill.

Still, not all feedback was negative. “At least it’s not that depressing green stuff the Americans use,” noted Bennett, gesturing toward a U.S. $20 bill that looked like it had survived three hurricanes and a laundromat. “Ours looks like confetti in comparison. If you’re going to be broke, you might as well be broke in style.”

For now, the public remains divided, with some embracing the new “peso chic” aesthetic and others hoarding old bills as keepsakes of Belize’s past. The Central Bank has reassured citizens the currency is here to stay, whether or not anyone knows who’s actually on it.“

We’ll all figure it out eventually,” shrugged Castillo, tucking a still-unfamiliar $20 note into his wallet. “Or we’ll just call them ‘the red one’ and ‘the blue one’ like we always have.”

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

27/07/2025

BELIZE TO HONDURAS: “CAN YOU WATCH OUR MANATEES? WE’RE BUSY BUILDING CONDOS!”

In a groundbreaking act of environmental outsourcing, Belizean and Honduran officials have agreed to relocate Placencia’s manatee population to Honduras, a country deemed “slightly better at the whole preserving-nature thing.”

“We simply felt it was time to give these gentle creatures a shot at survival,” said a Belizean official, standing in front of an active construction site labeled Future Site of Manatee View Luxury Villas. “It’s clear we’re more focused on pouring concrete than protecting wetlands.”

Under the ambitious “Float and Tow” initiative, manatees will be gently lured into giant floating sea cages, then slowly tugged by boat across the Gulf of Honduras, a journey marine officials say may be “mildly traumatic but ultimately character-building.”

“Honduras has healthy mangroves, protected bays, and far fewer coastal development projects,” said a Honduran representative. “Plus, we really think these majestic blobs will make out tourism brochures really pop.”

Local environmentalist Melissa Hereus, who has spent over a decade researching the lagoon’s ecosystem, was less enthusiastic. “This isn’t conservation — it’s eviction with good PR,” she said. “We’re literally towing them away so we can build overpriced condos.”

Still, the plan has garnered support among developers. “Manatees are great and all, but they don’t pay rent,” said one real estate investor. “Once they’re gone, we can finally extend our dock and add that two-story martini bar we’ve been dreaming about.”

The first wave of manatees is expected to arrive in Honduras next week, where they will be met with seagrass, safer waters, and presumably no bulldozers.

As one anonymous Belizean official put it, “We didn’t lose the manatees, we just outsourced them.”

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

20/07/2025

BELIZE CELEBRATES AS PLACENCIA SOLVES SARGASSUM CRISIS

What was once the choking, stinking scourge of Belizean beaches has vanished overnight, thanks to a brilliant stroke of entrepreneurial mischief. The nation’s infamous sargassum problem has been solved, and locals are hailing it as yet another triumph of Placencian ingenuity.

The breakthrough reportedly came last week when a chemistry-minded cartel member (who declined to be named, citing “trade secrets”) discovered how to extract a potent stimulant from the brown algae. Dubbed Sargassum Surge, also known on the street as “Brown Tide”, the new party drug has swept the regional market.

“One day we’re shoveling it off the beach with pitchforks,” said one tearful resort owner, “the next, guys in boats couldn’t load it up fast enough. Turns out, our sea vegetation problem was just poorly marketed.”

Across Belize, a celebratory sargassum rush has begun. Fishermen are filling boats, beachcombers are raking piles, and even politicians are praising “the indomitable Belizean spirit,” though they declined to specify which spirit exactly.

Beaches are once again pristine, tourism is booming, and locals are now offering “sargassum harvesting tours” to eager visitors– at a premium, of course. “We’ve diversified our exports,” boasted one jittery economist. “Forget bananas. Brown Tide is the new gold!”

Not everyone’s thrilled. Environmentalists warn of “unknown side effects” citing the need for long term studies on the new party powder. Early users of Sargassum Surge report bursts of energy, compulsive beach cleaning, and intense cravings for lobster fritters.

Still, Belizeans agree: Placencia found the solution, and the whole country’s riding the wave. Proof, once again, that where there’s a will, Placencians will find a way to party.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

13/07/2025

Dearest Readers,

It seems that yet another chapter in our fair peninsula’s tale of ambition and intrigue is set to unfold, though perhaps not where one expected it.

While the long-promised “International Airport” at mile marker seven languishes amidst a haze of indefinite delays, the powers that be have at last turned their attention, and their signatures, to a more promising endeavour. The much-anticipated expansion of the Placencia Airport (PLJ) has now been approved by none other than the Belize Airport Agency and the august United States Federal Aviation Administration. Indeed, this delicate matter of runways and reclamation is no longer the stuff of rumour, but of record.

At present, our humble runway stretches a mere 650 meters, a modest ribbon of tarmac. But soon, it shall boldly extend into the Caribbean Sea itself, reaching the minimum requirement of 1,800 meters, a feat as audacious as it is inevitable.

“There are many examples of small island airports that have successfully lengthened their runways by reclaiming wetlands,” an engineer involved in the project confided, “and we intend to follow suit, with minimal disruption to the environment and protected habitats, of course.”

Ah, but the true aim of this grand expansion? Why, to welcome the most common commercial courtiers of the skies: the Boeing 737 and the Airbus A320. “Over 25% of international flights are operated by these very aircraft,” explained the airport’s design engineer, with no small note of pride. And indeed, the venerable FAA itself, through guidance such as Circular AC 150/5325-4B, assures us that a runway of 1,800 meters is more than sufficient for aircraft of their stature.

As to those local souls who have grown accustomed to driving their golf carts around the airstrip, take heed: such liberties are soon to be curtailed. “Traffic will be detained with lights and automated gates, allowing aircraft to take off and land in safety,” said one official. And those who cannot bear to be thus detained? “Schedules will be posted online, but traffic from 10:00 in the morning to 3:00 in the afternoon will be heavily restricted.”

Exciting news indeed, both for the eager air traveler and the discerning resort owner! And yet, gentle reader, one cannot help but wonder: as the skies over Placencia grow ever busier, what other intrigues may soon take flight?

Yours most faithfully,
- A Certain Observer

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

06/07/2025

VEGAN CLUB DECLARES “CHEAT DAY” TO ALLOW MEMBERS TO ATTEND LOBSTERFEST

In a stunning break from core principles, the Placencia Vegan Club (PVC) announced Thursday that its members would be observing an official “cheat day” to participate in the annual Lobsterfest, a three-day crustacean bacchanal celebrating the opening of lobster season.

The declaration was made by PVC President Daveed Marinara, who addressed reporters from a beachside hammock while holding what witnesses described as “at least his second lobster tail of the afternoon.”

“Look, veganism is a deeply held moral conviction about reducing animal suffering,” Marinara said between bites, “but have you tried lobster with garlic butter? Like, come on.”

Lobsterfest, a beloved tradition in Placencia, draws thousands upon thousands of tourists and locals to honor the hunting, trapping, and public buttering of an animal that PVC members, up until yesterday, considered a sentient sea insect worthy of equal respect.

While some club purists expressed concern about the optics of a vegan group gleefully devouring clawed sea creatures, others were more philosophical. “Lobsters don’t have vocal cords,” reasoned PVC member Gnomey, “so technically they’ve never said that they mind. That counts for something.”

When asked whether the club planned to implement cheat days for other local festivals, Marinara hinted it was under consideration. “We’re looking into a pork exception for BBQ Sundays, but no promises. We still have standards.”

At press time, PVC leadership reminded members that veganism would resume promptly Monday morning, once the last tail had been responsibly dipped and devoured.

As another Lobsterfest comes to a close, this author can't help but think that nothing says cheat day quite like clawing your way to the front of the Lobsterfest line.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

29/06/2025

A ONE STOPLIGHT TOWN

There are poems, books and even songs written about “One Stoplight Towns”. They normally romanticize small, backwater, unsophisticated places where time seems to stand still. For Placencia, it means progress. And we’re not getting 1 stoplight, we are getting 2!

After the Placencia Peninsula Council chairman was recently involved in a traffic accident with a tourist, the decision was made to finally make Placencia safe for pedestrians. The current plan is to install one traffic light in Seine Bight near the newly renovated soccer [sic] field, and a 2nd light in Placencia Village at Jewfish road (coincidently also right close to the soccer [sic] field).

“We see so many examples of communities not planning for the future,” said council chairman Mr Warbum, “it may seem unnecessary now, but we know our future residents will be grateful for the security that traffic lights give to motorists and pedestrians alike. Everyone will benefit from slower, controlled traffic; and with the current construction already underway for the new football field in Seine Bight, we are able to take advantage of the equipment and the manpower already in place to install these lights at almost half the budgeted cost. This is just one more way this council is being smart with your money.”

When pressed for details on how these savings would be put to use, Mr Warbum added, “We could use these funds for future, yet-to-be-decided projects, or for well-deserved, long overdue council member bonuses. Plus, the added revenue from traffic light tickets will boost next year’s budget.”

It’s heartening to know that the campaign promises that we voted for with this council are being fulfilled, and that they are planning ahead to make the future Placencia a safer Placencia.

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

15/06/2025

NOTICE

This week's Placencia Coconut Telegraph post was deemed too "hot" given the news and happening at the Pint this week.

Don't worry, we'll save it for a later date!

08/06/2025

NEW CASINO TO OFFER LINES ON PLANCENCIA NEWS AND HAPPENINGS

Things are happening in downtown Placencia this summer. Opening late summer, or early fall, the new Gibut Lounge & Casino will bring some much needed after-dinner entertainment to the heart of the village. While the exact location is still top secret, the developers indicated that they want it to be within walking, or stumbling, distance from Dick’s Cafe and GinFish.

This new village entertainment option will have all of the standard casino fare– slots, poker, roulette, blackjack, and craps. Everything you would expect from a full-service casino, open 24 hours a day. The lounge is being promoted as a great place to catch the latest soccer [sic] match, or simply enjoy drinks with your special someone.

But wait there’s more. The Gibnut announced a new addition to their casino lineup this week that will allow patrons to bet on local news and happenings. Some examples cited in the press release were:

- Will the Placencia Electric Company restore power at the published time for this weekend's planned power outage?

- Will “Anonymous Participant" post something racist today on the Placencia Rants UNCENSORED Facebook group?

- How many of the seven village councilors will be present at the next public meeting?

- Who will score first this season for the Placencia Assassins?

Bets ranging from $1 to $1,000 can be placed at the micro bets table on the casino floor. The bets available for each day will be published on the Gibnut page each morning at 10 o’clock.

While this author is not much of a gambler, this new micro-bet option seems like it could add some good fun to village life. Who knows, you might even find me down at the Gibnut lounge betting on whether Reagan Modden or Ken Stanley will win the vote for who the author of the Coconut Telegraph is!

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The Placencia Coconut Telegraph is an occasionally funny satire and parody publication. All content, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional.

Placencia Coconut Telegraph

14/09/2025

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24/08/2025

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27/07/2025

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