10/12/2025
Thank you for your kind responses. I had questions about moving on so soon after losing Carl. It’s hard to describe unless you’ve been there, but this was my truth and what I learned.
1. When you are with someone with no good prognosis you are pre-grieving the entire time. It’s much different than an unexpected, sudden loss.
2. Alan was very respectful of my loss. Always giving me space to talk about it. He was a great rock for me and still is. He told me he didn’t want to replace Carl, he just wanted to be my next chapter.
3. It’s completely possible to grieve and fall in love at the same time. The heart is expansive. I know this to be true.
The tale of two loves: When I was a mere 15 years old I went out with a tall, curly headed, 17 year old guy named Alan. We only went out a few times as I was so young and new to dating and didn’t want to be exclusive. I was also determined not to get married young as I saw my parents and a host of their friends get pregnant right out of HS (this was late 1950’s & pre pill) have a passel of kids, be unhappy and then divorce. I wanted to figure out who I was before settling down. Alan and I went to the same community college so I knew he went on to engineering school while it took me awhile to figure out my direction. I eventually got my BSN and began my nursing career at age 27.
A few years later lightening struck when I met Carl. I was a 30 year old intensive care nurse. He sold exotic cars. We had a whirlwind romance while building a life together, buying our first home and eventually getting engaged. I had never dreamed of a big wedding and the number that constantly showed up in my life in mysterious ways was 10 10 so we decided to get married on a Hawaiian beach on October 10, 1993. Marriage and our life was bliss until 2007 when he began having intractable back pain. It took months for a proper diagnosis of stage 4 kidney cancer that had metastasized to his bones. He was only given “a year and change” to live, but we did clinical trials and he had a quality 7 years until the last few months before he passed at age 60 in 2013. We were together almost 24 years and it was my greatest priority and privilege to be at his side every step of the way making daily life as beautiful as possible for my Carl.
I was devastated. Numbly moving through my days. I went back to work within a few weeks, which for me was helpful. I was 53 when he passed. I bought a home and car that I could manage on my own. The thought of dating was incomprehensible. I just worked, took care of my dog, saw a few friends, family and generally sat on my couch watching movies and knitting my way through my grief.
In the meantime Alan and I had become FB friends in 2012. He had gone through a divorce. He didn’t post often but I remember looking at his pictures a bit intrigued, just wondering about him. After Carl passed Alan sent me a condolence on FB Msgr. It was nice. I responded thank you and that began an occasional communication. Our communication slowly, slowly ramped up to emails then texting. Things became a little flirty, but I had NO idea if I’d be attracted to him and visa versa. About a year after Carl passed Alan and I decided to meet in a town that was between where we lived in Missouri. About a 2 hour drive for both of us. I figured at least I know he’s a nice person and not a complete stranger. The moment I got in his car the air ignited in sparks. He was tall, handsome, broad shouldered and had an air of capability. He was also sweeet, funny and extremely respectful of my relationship with Carl. I was smitten and by the end of the evening we’d already set our next date. We were long distance for a year, seeing each other every 2 weeks and endlessly texting. I moved to be with him a year later, got engaged and knew I wanted to marry him on November 10 at our local courthouse, just him and I. We are celebrating our 10 year anniversary this year. An old retired engineer and nurse, taking care of our garden, our parents and seeing the kids and grands as often as possible. I am extremely grateful on a daily basis that 15 year old me had unknowingly set up her future and that lightening can strike twice.
Post Credit: Donna Green Ruble
