Notapourdecision

11/08/2025

The coffee cups were packed nicely with the tiny pair of thong un**es when I walked down to the mailbox, then for some reason my brain whispered, “toss it.”
I listened and missed the catch. That sound of breaking glass? Let’s call it a tiny chip.
Who knows, maybe it survived. Hopefully she still feels the care I put into returning it.

11/07/2025

Don’t you find being healthy expensive?
I love the gym, but like everyone else, I’ve been tightening up my budget. So instead of upgrading my membership, I figured I’d just trial the upgraded aerobics membership class on my own.
Sure, I couldn’t really hear what the instructor was saying, but I gave it my best shot from the other side of the glass.
I Guess that’s what happens when you’ve got champagne fitness goals on a tap water budget.

11/05/2025

Rip my biggest boy.
Legacy is never what you leave people, it's what you leave inside people. Bronx came to me at my worst period of my life and continued until today. He's brought so much joy and happiness I can't even begin to explain. Thnx you Todd the cat and to Central animal hospital for making Bronxs last day the best day ..

11/04/2025

Ever had to say goodbye to your favorite pair?
Mine fought bravely through beans, burritos, and betrayal, but last night’s Taco Bell blast was non-survivable. I had to lay them to rest.
So I did what any sane man would do, I gave them a Viking funeral and lit them on fire so their soul could reach Valhalla.
And with Christmas still months away, I need your help to keep my chestnuts warm, so help me by tagging your favorite underwear brand below.

11/03/2025

Some days, laughter’s the only thing that gets you through.
I did this one in a hot dog suit, eating a hot dog passed from a woman who gave it some extra “flavor” first. But tonight, my heart’s not in the joke, it’s with my best friend, Bronx.
Since divorce #2, he’s been my rock, my therapist.
Today we got bad news from the vet, and now his fight’s in the universe’s hands and all the love he's being surrounded with.
Go hug your pet

11/02/2025

The one who starts spiraling over a girl, skips the gym, and forgets who he is?
That’s when real friends step in, not with sympathy, but with sarcasm and a pink princess light on your porch.
Because sometimes tough love is the only kind that works.
PS the above used to be me.

10/31/2025

Do you fart in front of your GF?
She said, “Just drop it,” and I did, only it wasn’t the topic. Let’s just say the air got thicker and her yelling got louder. Sometimes, when you’re tired of her ripping into you, you just gotta, rip one back. This is an old friend that won't be named to protect her 🫆.

10/30/2025

Bring a dessert they said.
When my office asked me to bring something sweet to the Halloween party, I teamed up with Stef from the Heating and Cooling department and we got to work.
Apparently, our cookie dough skeleton was too anatomically correct.
HR didn’t appreciate our commitment to realism and now I’m banned from the office party, and pour Stef’s explaining why the skeleton had the full package deal.

10/30/2025

Ever get flashbacks that explain your trust issues?
For me, it started with my Italian mom at the door saying, “Come here, I’m not gonna hit you.” Spoiler alert: she lied. Clickbait in real life.
Sure, I probably earned a few of those spankings, but I turned out alright (mostly). Mom, I love you more than life itself. When you showed up being goofy on the doorbell cam, I had to make this reel. Sorry for everything, SFE, I’ve put you through, past, present, and whatever’s coming next. ❤️

10/29/2025

The mugs were packed nicely when I walked down to the mailbox, then my brain whispered, “toss it.”
I listened and missed the catch. That sound of breaking glass? Let’s call it a chip.
Who knows, maybe it survived. Hopefully she still feels the care I put into returning it.

10/29/2025

10/29/2025

Isn’t getting drunk at weddings a sport?
Me and my buddy Jose were having a great time until we realized no one invited us to the sparkler party. That’s when my mind drifted to Christmas.
Everyone’s complaining about the stores putting out Christmas decor early, meanwhile I’m halfway through my Guinness thinking it’s already St. Paddy’s Day. If you can’t celebrate the wrong holiday at the wrong time, you’re not at the right wedding.