02/08/2025
Just adapting to the new reality. It's nice having a living room again! But it was a heavy price to pay for just to be able to "move about the cabin." Woke up feeling odd, like my brain is trying to wrestle with the new reality, and not having her here feels strange, kinda like one of her hospital stays, but different. I truly am trying to move on and move forward, after all, this is an inevitability that everyone goes through, and everyone faces this day sometime. I predicted this outcome a couple of years ago, hence the pre-grieving and angst I was going through, even before the spread of the cancer. I've always been tuned in to things in a way I can't explain.
It's just weird not having her here, it'll take some time. Many kids who lose a parent have the luxury of not witnessing the death, or all the gory details leading up to it. That's the part that's hardest to get out of my head, but it's getting better each day. A healthy relationship requires that we process our grief, to talk about our underlying issues, and that's sort of why I write these to you guys, as a way to stay connected, and the added bonus of processing my feelings. I think sometimes people get it twisted, as if I'm complaining or not honoring her memory correctly. But I truly try to honor her the best I can. But relationships with parents can sometimes be more complicated than just a one note love and appreciation. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom dearly, but as I wrote yesterday, it's been difficult trying to befriend and get close to her, and I really never understood why. But, that's all a part of processing your feelings.
We gotta purge the tanks daily and find healthy ways to understand this world, especially when things are not going well because of wealth, elitism, corruption, misinformation, and corporatist oligarchs bending the rules in their favor at the cost of "we the people's" quality of life. History is written by the winners, there's no guarantee that the media and the powers that be will have the courage to write this history correctly. That's why it's important to stand up to corruption, and speak truth to power. Some people think everything now is just peachy keen! Imagine the mental gymnastics to think this here is winning?! As injustice and inequality hits an all-time high! But I digress.
There's so much injustice and shenanigans, and yet, I truly try not to be political or allow all of it to grow into those people who become blanket cynics, where everything is bad, the deep state is evil, everything is a conspiracy, and on and on. But I do think it's important to know what's going on, the ugly truth, no more no less! If we want a kind and forward-leaning society, you gotta stand up for good values, but also, you gotta choose your battles, as everything could be viewed as terrible under the right lens. I think our culture and society is nostalgic for the good ol' days, and anything that doesn't match our mind's eye must be terrible! But life doesn't work like that. You have to remove your inherent biases and try to see it objectively. Things are definitely moving in the wrong direction, but that doesn't mean that some movie that comes out is terrible because it wasn't written specifically for you! At the end of the day, there's this balance we have to maintain between injustice and keeping your childlike wonder, your internal happiness, and your ability to maintain. The world is going nuts and people are going nuts, but I open the door and the air is clean and the birds are chipping, so it's gonna be a good day!
Anyway, like I was saying, just processing a lot of stuff. Lot's of crazy BS going on lately, like the as***le driver yesterday, and that's why I don't sweat the small stuff! I'm an atheist, and I'm trying to figure out a loophole for mom. The best I can figure is, she's at peace and her energy is contributing to the universe again, and maybe just maybe, there's this little piece of you that you get to keep, and those pieces reunite with their family members. It's sounding a whole lot like heaven which I don't believe in, but as a former Christian I truly want to believe. I don't get hung up anymore trying to explain everything in the universe, that's above my pay grade! All I know is that she's no longer suffering, and when their body betrays them, you hope that they be released from their mortal toils, and that's what happened. It's sad, but it's all a part of life's equation. Anyway, thank you everyone for being so good to us lately. You can still do the GoFundMe thing if you want, we'd certainly appreciate it. In the absence of faith, I ascertain that you must believe in something else, something inspired, something good and pure, and the best I've found so far is to believe in the inherent good and decency of honorable men and women, and that's why I thank you. For giving me faith in something.
Bry
gofund.me/7d5d1eda
