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20/03/2020

Ameen

31/12/2019

To my ex lover

I can't deny that I've had the best times with you. You knew me more than any other person — my crazy quirks, my endless secrets, my stupid routines — everything. I have poured every inch of my being to you. I have loved you with all my heart.

I'm not writing this letter because I want to hurt you. I'm writing this because this is the only way I can repair myself. This is my way of mending the wounds you left; my way of filling the empty holes that are slowly consuming me — because the pain has to stop somehow.

Do you still remember? How fearful I was to get attached to you? I think that was our first real argument. I was so scared to have something so beautiful, that suddenly, I have something to lose. And then, the inevitable came. I lost the one thing I wanted the most — I lost you.

Some people may say you were the one who lost. I was the one who ended this, right? I was the one who called it quits. In situations more than I could count, I tried to convince myself that you were the one who lost something worth-holding on to.
But to tell you the truth? We both lost.

I lost the girl that I loved. I lost the person who made me the happiest. I lost the daily messages and the sweet phone calls. I lost the forehead kisses and the routinely walk-home's. I lost the stupid movie marathons and the nightly pillow talks — and God knows how much I'll miss them.

But I also started losing the sadness that came with loving you. I started losing the self-hate and the questions that always lingered my mind: Was I not enough? Am I doing something wrong? Do you not love me anymore? I started losing the tears that came every time I thought about you. One night, it just stopped. I could not cry about you anymore. I could not keep beating myself up just because you do not see my value. I may have lost you, but I found myself in the process of doing so. So for that, I thank you.

I thank you for the broken promises, and the hurtful words. I thank you for the blatant excuses and the lies that came with them. I thank you for all the times you chose other people over me (and God knows how painful it is to be your least priority). I thank you for the inconsistency and the plans never made into action. I thank you for the days I spent locked inside my room, wondering if I did something wrong. I thank you for the heartbreak. It is indeed painful — more than I could ever put into words. But it helped me, somehow. So thank you.

I can't lie. My heart still shatters every time I'm reminded of you. Hell, I'd still tear myself apart for you in a heartbeat. But I'm slowly learning to stop. My pen would always bleed your name, that's the truth. You would always be a part of me. But someday — sooner, I hope — I'll finally be able to let you go. This letter is one step closer to moving on, and I find comfort in that.

I have loved you, maybe I still do.
But then again, the pain has to stop somehow. I always wished the best for you. But maybe the best for you does not include me — and I'm starting to learn how to live with that. I hope you do too.

10/12/2019

You will grow
Into someone else
With someone else
Not me
Not anymore
But when you're laying next to your future
And he mentions me
Don't falter
Push away the memories
Do not lie though. Tell him who I was to you
Don't give your opinion about me, he didn't ask for it
Don't tell him the way I ran my finger tips against your lips
And when he leaves your bed, don't take out that ring that you should have thrown Tell him you love him now but don't tell him I still linger in the dark corners of your mind Tell him he's your present and may even be your future but don't tell him that your mind often wanders to the past

Tell whoever you chose to fill your life with after me that you're happy now Don't tell them about the nights your pillow took on your tears and you wished it was my shoulder Don't tell them that when you make coffee you still think about the way I preferred it Whoever they are, smile for them. Never let them know, they won't replace what you and I used to be.

When you look at yourself, some time from now ,
Observe that your eyes don't look so tired but don't remember the nights you cried them red. Tell yourself you're finally over it, ignore the tiny part that breaks at the thought of being over it. Wrap your arms around yourself, but it might not be the same as the way I used to.

And if you ever do, don't worry or wonder about me.
Don't ponder on whether I ever moved on.
Don't consider calling to check up on me.
You know the answers to the questions you have.
I still look around the house and try to find you there,much like you do. I still have those movie tickets and the gloves you left behind
I still don't have the courage to go into what once was our favourite restaurant and chinese food still vaguely brings up your name in my mind.

You will grow
Into someone else
With someone else