28/01/2023
It's negative degrees celsius, snowing, and everyone at home is ill.
I have so much in my mind.
The shoes I was selling just arrived at my parents' place and needs sorting and needed to be delivered. Packages for my balikbayan box orders keep on coming and that also need sorting.
Cailin, by policy, got returned home Tuesday from nursery coz she vomited her breakfast. I got pi**ed about the whole situation although it is nobody's fault because she needs 48hrs without vomiting before going back to school---just protocol... for other kids' safety. But that means no break for a sick mama!
Thursday, after 48hrs without vomiting has past, she had a bad runny nose so she had to stay home still.
Then Friday, she could have gone to school but we had some misunderstanding. My husband thinks that I did not want to send Cailin to school that day, too. So she stayed home. That got me upset because I just really want some break.
(The photos below were her playing outside the house on Friday morning.)
So the whole week--- I have on & off headaches, runny nose, some body aches- and I also have to take care of sick Cailin. (I know many consider it a taboo for a mom to complain about being sick or being tired, like we have no right to feel that way, but we are humans, too.)
To be honest, many think I got my life all figured out.
I have an amazing husband, amazing kids.
What can I ask for? I should be living the life..
But what i feel right now is far from the truth.
It is hard.
It is hard to start a family away from the life and people you know.
It is hard to have no other friend or even another adult apart from your husband to talk with about raising two small kids. (You know that friend/neighbor who has small kid/s too where you go to when your kids are killing you and you just want to break the routine at home? Yeah, i do not have that person.)
It is hard to not be able to be with your friends & family, or not see them as often as u like, to not know anyone in your area and not able to make new friends.
(I honestly have no one I can call to grocery/window-shop with, or go to park with the kids when husband's at work, or to just call to talk with about seemingly insignificant stuff.)
It is hard to not be able to bond with your inlaws because of language differences. They are very sweet and I really want to get to know them better and them to get to know me better.. i feel like they are fun and they could find me fun too but we never ever had a meaningful conversation yet because of differences in language.
It is hard to not be able to work on job you like because of language incompetence. The country has not lived up to being a part of the list of top countries in Europe speaking English because they DO NOT LIKE TO SPEAK ENGLISH. They literally require you to pass a language certificate to get a visa to live here, much more to get a job. Consequently, I also do not earn my own money. And anything I want to buy, I have to sincerely ask it from my husband. No impulse buying. That sale has to wait!
It is very isolating and depressing many times.
Motherhood is isolating enough, yeah.
But try doing that in a place where nobody understands your language and vice versa.
To add salt to the wound, after 3 years, I am finally about to attend a language class face to face. We went to the evaluation and oh, you have no idea how ready I was! It gave me hope that I can finally get my life moving again.
I was so excited! It starts on the 2nd week of February.
But Cailin is not progressing fast enough in nursery to be left there full time by that date. It means, I still need to stay home a little longer to take care of her..
It is frustrating. It feels like it is something you have been postponing for years. Now it is within reach, finally, but you have just been told- oh, no, Chona, not this time!
Haiiiisttt.. but typing this and letting it all out has been cathartic.
I know everyone of us wished something else to be different in their lives in some way or another, but one thing for me is sure, I appreciate and thankful going through all this with a loving husband and a two cute little naughty kids. They are my constant and I know I would only be happy with life when it is with them.
There will always be highs and lows, ups & downs, and compromises to make, some regrets, too, but we all have to stay positive and move forward. We do not need to run forward- not even walk if we are too tired. Crawl if we must but we can't stop. Yeah?!
Sending virtual hugs to everyone who are also feeling sad, isolated, depressed, and confused about life right now. And send me some virtual hugs, too, will you? 🫶
