01/12/2025
Still single after 12 years of dating apps?
Let me save you the time.
After:
🗓️ 4380 days “looking for love”
📱 Downloading, deleting, re-downloading 7 apps
🥶 Dozens of frozen pizza dinners for one
💬 Multiple “you’re great but…” conversations
I finally figured it out.
I’m not bad at dating.
I’ve mastered *avoiding* it.
Here’s how:
🐢 The Procrastination Method
– Keep waiting for “the one”
– Blame your schedule (TikTok counts as busy)
– Hope for a sign, like a rainbow beside the Aldi entrance
🧠 The Self-Sabotage Strategy
– Swipe only on emotionally unavailable people
– Overthink a text for 72 hours
– End a good date with “I’m too complex for this”
🥇 The Comparison Advantage
– No one finishes your chips at 3am
– No arguments about which side of the bed is yours
– Your cat never ghosted you
Bonus: My go-to excuses
💬 “Sorry, my plants need emotional support.”
💬 “I’ve got plans with my inner chaos.”
💬 “My cat has a full calendar this week.”
You don’t *need* dating hacks.
You need better snacks and a good blanket.
Want more painfully relatable truths?
Get the full “How To Stay Single Like a Pro” here – only €3.99
(link)
Cheaper than a date. Less disappointing.
