03/11/2025
Things I Didnāt Expect to Happen During My Separation/Divorce Processā¦
1. Crying in the restaurant bathroom on Motherās Day during a dinner my friend had planned for me at the Hard Rock CafĆ©. This was during the trip to leave my soon-to-be ex-husband. I didnāt even realize what day it was until that moment. I suddenly recognized that I had never been taken out to dinner for Motherās Day before, and it hurt deeply. 10 years of marriage and I was always the planner and never the planned for. I couldnāt even enjoy the meal because of the stress I was underācompletely unaware that my ex had canceled my car insurance. Didnāt expect that one eitherā¦
2. That my hair would start falling out, forcing me to cut off inches and inches every few months. Iām still recovering from the hair loss. My hair was my identity it seemed, and now itās just hair. I feel like my avatar is bare.
3. That my whole body would start malfunctioning. I began bruising easily, seemingly out of nowhere. The nausea was constant, and soon Iād be put on five different antibioticsā¦alongside facing unsettling truths about what was actually happening to my body. My autoimmune disease flared so severely that I lost 20ā25 pounds at an alarming rate. My appetite disappeared, my energy vanished, and it felt as if my soul had been sucked right out of me.
4. The depression that followed was looming, heavy, and consuming. I found myself trying to process my entire life. And I mean thatā¦ I started replaying every chapter, from start to finish, every single day. I was desperate to make sense of how I ended up here. It gave me a clearer, almost birdās-eye view of my circumstancesāhumbling, painful, and incredibly difficult to process after such a drastic upheaval.
5. Gaining all the weight backāand then someāonce my body began to stabilize. The Hashimotoās was Hashimoto-ing. My lowest was 116 and im sitting at 150 currently. Now I struggle with severe body dysmorphia. My body is never consistently one size. Messes with your head.
6. My eyes lost their light. When I take photos now, I notice itās gone,the spark, the warmth. I was now the owner of a pair of ādead eyes.ā Maybe the light will come back someday, but for now, it only shows occasionally.
Last but not leastā¦ that even with all of this, I will stand firm that divorce was worth it. I didnāt expect to feel so free while suffering so much. I feel FREE. I am proud of myself and if I could go back, I would have done it all way way sooner. Life is a wild ride.
