05/04/2023
On this day, two years ago, I spent the afternoon down Ogmore and I had a good day and felt alright in myself, until I was home and got myself ready for bed…
Something changed, nothing triggered it, but before I knew it, my arms were cut and felt like screaming.
I got scared so I decided to go for a drive, get myself away from that situation.
I started to calm down but then it felt like a switch had flipped in my brain and I had no control of what I was doing or saying.
Next minute I know I’m home and started taking any and all pills I could, and when that wasn’t enough, I started to cut my arms more, trying to get to the main vein. In that moment, I was ready to end it all.
My dad managed to stop me and hold me back from doing more harm to myself… my mum had seen the blood on my carpet and knew I went out in my car, so she went out to look for me.
The moment I knew I had zero control of my actions was when I was screaming for my mum to help me in my head, but I kept begging my dad to let me go so I can finish what I started.
I eventually calmed down and told my parents I had taken a lot of pills and should throw it up… I admitted defeat.
It took me months to stop feeling the urges to cut, with the help from my family and close friends and my psychotherapist.
I was fortunate this time around in that my first actual attempt on my life woke me up and help me understand what I wanted in life. But it’s not always the case.
Mental health awareness should not be secluded on one day a year.. it is a constant battle people have to go through. I still get suicidal thoughts and urges to cut, but don’t feel the need to carry it out yet.
It is okay to not feel okay, but please do seek help. There is stress management, counselling, mindfulness, anti depressants, therapy and so much more. If one doesn’t work, do not panic, something will help you, you have to just keep trying.
