Bexley Times

10/11/2025

Holly Ramsay’s Bridal Transformation. Because Apparently We All Needed That

So, Holly Ramsay is in her bridal era. Yes, another celebrity offspring doing the wedding content thing.

She’s marrying Olympic swimmer Adam Peaty, and if you didn’t know that, don’t worry. She’s made sure you do. White bikinis, white dresses, white captions about “bridal vibes.” It’s like a monochrome mood board for people who have run out of things to post.

There’s been a hen do, obviously. Picture ivory coats, sparkly bows, and enough sequins to blind a small country.

The theme screamed “I’m getting married,” in case anyone forgot for three seconds. Rumour has it she’s going for a Christmas wedding and taking style notes from Kate Middleton. Because nothing says individuality like copying a royal.

The whole thing feels less like a wedding countdown and more like a soft launch for her next influencer phase. There are hashtags, gym selfies, and captions like “my bridal era begins,” which sound more like a marketing campaign than a marriage.

But this is celebrity culture now. Every engagement is content. Every party is an opportunity for sponsored hair products. Somewhere, Gordon Ramsay must be quietly wondering if it’s too late to ground her.

Read the article here (if you can be bothered): https://www.dailymail.co.uk/lifestyle/article-15276165/Holly-Ramsay-bridal-transformation-wedding.html

02/11/2025

Tess Daly Leaves Strictly Come Dancing: Britain Barely Notices While Pretending To Be Heartbroken

After two decades of sequins, fake tans, and pretending to laugh at Craig Revel Horwood’s jokes, Tess Daly has finally decided she’s had enough of Strictly Come Dancing. Yes, apparently, after 21 years of clapping beside Claudia Winkleman like a human metronome, Tess has chosen to “spend more time with her family”, which is celebrity code for “I can’t do this glitter-based hostage situation any longer.”

The BBC, of course, framed it as “a shock announcement,” though the only shocking part is that she lasted this long without being blinded by the studio lights or crushed by Anton Du Beke’s ego.

According to “insiders”, which, in media speak, usually means someone’s cousin who once met a producer at a Costa....Tess simply wants to see her husband, Vernon Kay and their daughters more often. Apparently, the poor woman has been trapped in a permanent fog of dress rehearsals and fake audience laughter since 2004.

“It’s been heartbreaking for her,” the source said, which is one way of describing the trauma of spending 20 years watching celebrities mangle the cha-cha-cha while Bruce Forsyth’s ghost whispers, “Nice to see you, to see you nice.”

Vernon, we’re told, has been “understanding.” Which is rich coming from a man whose entire career seems to involve showing up on random TV shows and saying, “Hi, I’m Vernon Kay, remember me?” Still, good for them...more family time, more holidays, and, inevitably, more Hello! magazine spreads about “rediscovering what really matters.”

Meanwhile, speculation is already swirling about who will replace Tess and Claudia. Bookies are allegedly backing Roman Kemp, Holly Willoughby, or Alex Scott, basically the holy trinity of “safe, BBC-friendly, and available.” Fleur East and Janette Manrara are also in the mix, proving that if you’ve ever touched a Strictly glitterball, you too can host the show.

But let’s be honest: most of us will continue to do what we’ve done for years, casually watch the first few episodes, forget the middle ones exist, and then reappear for the final to complain that the wrong person won.

So farewell, Tess. You’ve earned a long rest from the nation’s most aggressively sparkly endurance test. And to whoever replaces her, best of luck pretending to care about another EastEnders actor’s emotional journey through the rumba.

02/11/2025

Reality TV personality Georgia Harrison has announced she’s given birth to a baby girl with boyfriend Jack Spacey, officially entering the phase of life where her Instagram feed will become 98 per cent baby photos and 2 per cent “self-care” posts featuring herbal tea.

The former Love Island star broke the earth-shattering news on social media, which, in 2025, is basically the modern equivalent of shouting from a rooftop, but with filters. Fans (meaning approximately twelve people and one Daily Mail intern) were thrilled, apparently. The rest of us were mainly just confused as to why this was news in the first place.

Georgia, best known for appearing on Love Island and that one time she complained about her ex, posted a picture of her newborn along with a caption about how she’s “never known love like it.” Which is sweet, of course, but also exactly what every celebrity says right before launching a baby clothing line called something like “Little Lux.”

Boyfriend Jack Spacey, whose main claim to fame seems to be dating Georgia Harrison, was also present and reportedly “couldn’t be prouder.” Which is touching, if you ignore the fact that this quote has been copy-pasted into every celebrity birth announcement since 2003.

In a world where we’ve got wars, elections, and billionaires building rockets to escape us, this story stands proudly as yet another reminder that fame has a very loose definition these days. It’s a baby. People have them. Daily. Sometimes twice before breakfast in certain parts of the world. But sure, let’s all take a moment to pause the planet and applaud Georgia for doing what mammals have been doing since the dawn of time.

Anyway, if you’re desperate to read about how a minor reality star’s womb made headlines, you can treat yourself to the full coverage here: Read about it here: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-15248861/Georgia-Harrison-confirms-shes-given-birth-Star-welcomes-baby-girl-boyfriend-Jack-Spacey.html

Because apparently, this is the news now.

The Love Island star, 30, took to social media on Saturday afternoon to officially announce the news - as she revealed her newborn's name.

31/10/2025

In yet another thrilling episode of “Britain’s Got Potholes,” Prime Minister Sir Kier Starmer has apparently taken time away from saving the nation to personally intervene in a local tarmac tantrum in Bexley. Because nothing says *national leadership* quite like getting dragged into an argument over road craters.

It all started when Labour MP Daniel Francis decided to live every suburban dad’s dream: driving around pointing at potholes. Yes, this man spent his days cruising through Bexleyheath and Crayford with a ruler, measuring holes in the ground like a budget David Attenborough narrating *The Life of Tarmac*. His noble mission? To make sure the Conservative-run Bexley Council actually spent the £895,000 it received to fix said holes. Spoiler alert: they hadn’t.

When Francis proudly reported his findings to Parliament, Starmer used the moment to deliver what he probably thought was a mic-drop: “Use the money, fix the roads, or lose the money.” Which, to be fair, is basically the political equivalent of telling a teenager, “Clean your room or no Wi-Fi.”

Bexley Council, however, was not amused. They fired off a letter to Number 10 insisting the Prime Minister had his facts wrong, likely written on official council letterhead soaked in passive-aggression. Council leader-in-waiting David Leaf declared himself “shocked and appalled,” which is British for “mildly inconvenienced but theatrically outraged.” He went on to accuse Starmer of being too distracted by “Chinese Communist Party paymasters” and “signing £35 billion to Mauritius” to get his facts straight. Because when you’re losing a pothole argument, why not just throw in an international conspiracy for flavour?

Meanwhile, Cllr Richard Diment, the man actually responsible for roads, accused Francis of “wasting council resources” by reporting over 150 potholes in a week. Apparently, the problem wasn’t the holes themselves but the audacity of someone noticing them. Diment insisted only nine potholes were serious enough to merit immediate repair, and the rest were, presumably, just character-building terrain features.

For context, Francis claimed one pothole on Mayplace Road East was over a metre wide and still hadn’t been fixed. Bexley Council calmly replied that it “didn’t meet emergency repair criteria.” Presumably because until someone’s car physically disappears into it, it’s just a “minor surface irregularity.”

Diment then tried to comfort residents by boasting that Bexley’s roads are in “far better condition” than those in neighbouring boroughs like Croydon and Havering, which is a bit like bragging that your kitchen is cleaner than the one in *Kitchen Nightmares*.

As the drama rolled on, Bexley Council insisted they had actually spent £260,000, not £40,000, and fully intended to use the entire fund. Translation: “We’ll get round to it, promise.”

The council has since written to the Prime Minister demanding he “check his facts,” which is politician-speak for “please stop making us look bad.” They’re still waiting for a response, likely because Number 10 is trying to find the appropriate department to handle a municipal-level feud over glorified speed bumps.

So there you have it: a full-scale Westminster versus Bexley pothole showdown. Proof that in Britain, you can’t trust the roads, the weather, or the Wi-Fi—but you can always rely on politicians to turn a crack in the pavement into a constitutional crisis.

Read full article here: https://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/25581633.kier-starmer-involved-bexley-council-pothole-row-mp/](https://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/25581633.kier-starmer-involved-bexley-council-pothole-row-mp/

31/10/2025

28/10/2025

Could you be the next Star Baker? Apply now.....

18/08/2025

Rio Ferdinand Buys Pie, World Somehow Keeps Spinning

Former Manchester United defender and professional wearer of expensive suits, Rio Ferdinand, was spotted doing the most ordinary thing imaginable: eating lunch.

Yes, apparently, a man once paid millions to kick a ball around popped into Scott’s Tradition Pie and Mash in Orpington, and now we all must bow before the newsworthiness of this heroic act of… chewing.

The shop was understandably thrilled, announcing it was a “pleasure to welcome” him. Which is touching, but also the kind of giddy reaction usually reserved for the Queen turning up, not a bloke who once tried to mark Lionel Messi and failed.

They even offered him free pie and mash for life, which is very generous considering the man probably has more money than the shop’s entire weekly takings. But sure, feed the millionaire, it’s character building.

Article Here: https://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/25383837.rio-ferdinand-spotted-scotts-tradition-pie-mash

We were also treated to a history lesson about Ferdinand’s ballet school days, his move to West Ham, his England caps, his stint at Leeds, his glory years at Manchester United, his captaincy and eventual retirement.

Which is fascinating, of course, but has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that last Wednesday he put a fork into a potato.

Honestly, this isn’t news. This is “local man buys lunch” but with extra steps. Imagine being the poor reporter tasked with typing out Ferdinand’s entire career stats just to disguise the fact the story is literally “celebrity eats food.”

So there you have it: Rio Ferdinand, football legend, husband, father, pundit… eater of pies. A nation salutes you, Rio. Please, do come back anytime, as long as you promise to bless us with another afternoon of gravy-soaked relevance.

Former Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand was seen at an Orpington pie and mash shop.

17/08/2025

Rochelle Humes Discovers Children Are Loud and Time Exists, Public Somehow Expected to Care.

Rochelle Humes, former Saturdays singer turned professional school-run commentator, has bravely announced that having three children is… tiring. Ground-breaking stuff. Next week: water is wet, and the Pope has been spotted Catholic.

The 35-year-old presenter, who shares three kids with husband Marvin, has described school mornings in the Humes household as “absolute carnage”. Which, to be fair, is also how most people describe getting a night bus through Croydon, so she’s not wrong.

Apparently, someone is always crying in the mornings. And before you think it’s one of the kids, let’s be honest, it’s probably Rochelle herself when she remembers she has to go on Loose Women again and pretend she enjoys WhatsApp groups.

Ah, yes, the parents’ WhatsApp group. Rochelle admitted she’s “the least present parent” on it, which is funny because that’s exactly what every parent wants to be. In fact, the only thing more hellish than raising three children is being bombarded at 11pm with 47 messages about whether Class 2B need to bring in a carrot costume by Tuesday.

Marvin, ever the supportive husband, does the school run and homework, which is impressive considering this man once thought the height of cultural achievement was singing “Beat Again” in a leather jacket. But even with his contribution, Rochelle insists mornings are chaos, with one child always “in reverse” and managing to be late despite living next to the school. That’s not chaos, that’s talent.

Meanwhile, rumours of feuds with Myleene Klass and Frankie Bridge bubble on in the background, but Rochelle insists the real drama isn’t Ibiza, heartbreak or celebrity gossip. No, it’s Velcro shoes and missing PE kits. The nation breathes a sigh of relief knowing what truly matters.

So to sum up: a wealthy couple with three kids find mornings stressful. Ground-breaking. Please, someone, alert the Nobel Prize committee.

17/08/2025

Breaking News: Andy Carroll and Lou Teasdale are back together… and we are all deeply, profoundly bored!

Right, can we just ask Bexley Residents, and even the nation: is anyone, anywhere, still emotionally invested in the romantic misadventures of Andy Carroll? The man peaked in 2011 when Liverpool thought he was worth £35 million. Since then, the only thing he has successfully scored is headlines in the Daily Mail gossip section.

Apparently, Andy is back together with his girlfriend Lou Teasdale after a dramatic 72-hour split. Yes, three whole days apart. The Titanic sunk in less time, and frankly, that had more romance.

We are told their problems stem from Andy’s “boozy rows” and Lou’s saintly teetotal lifestyle. Translation: she would rather sip sparkling water while he treats every restaurant like it is Oktoberfest. Now he has vowed to cut back on alcohol to save the relationship. Which, let’s be honest, sounds about as reliable as every student saying “never drinking again” on a Sunday morning.

And because this is a Carroll relationship saga, it comes complete with a classic modern love story arc: unfollowing each other on Instagram, deleting the couple selfies, and then triumphantly re-uploading them when reconciliation is achieved. Truly Shakespearean. Romeo and Juliet died for this?

The Mail insists it was Lou who ended things, though Andy apparently flew to Ibiza on a private jet to “win her back”. To which Lou’s response was basically: “Cool story, mate, but I’m busy being sober.”

Meanwhile, sources describe their rows in restaurants, hotel damage, police involvement, and Andy apparently breaking a door. Yes, romance is alive and well, it just happens to smell faintly of Carlsberg.

All of this is delivered to us as if it is global news, when in reality the world is facing climate change, wars, and an actual shortage of decent Taylor Swift tickets. But sure, tell us again how Andy Carroll pressed “follow” on Instagram. Riveting.

At the end of it all, the couple want us to know they are “very happy, in love and looking forward to their future together”. Excellent. Truly heart-warming. And now, dear media, can we kindly never hear about this again?

Because honestly, if Andy Carroll’s love life is the cultural content we are being drip-fed, then civilisation really is doomed.