Totally Real News

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12/03/2024

People across Britain have woken up this morning to find it is raining. This comes as a great surprise to many as they've not seen rain every single day this winter. The people can rejoice knowing that the drought is finally over.

20/10/2021

Weather forecast for tomorrow:

rain

With the start of a new fuel crisis, BMW is said to be bringing the classic Mini out of retirement. Prime Minister Boris...
24/09/2021

With the start of a new fuel crisis, BMW is said to be bringing the classic Mini out of retirement.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he aims to eject any panic buyers into outer space by method of an all-electric space cannon.

21/06/2021

Coronavirus or something.

If ever you've visited an Argos store (who hasn't, what even are you?) you'll be well aware of the way their system work...
14/10/2018

If ever you've visited an Argos store (who hasn't, what even are you?) you'll be well aware of the way their system works. You walk in, wait a millennia for a catalogue to become free, find your item, check the stock, find out there's one left, grab the tiny blue pencil, make note of your item number and pay for it at the counter. You'll then be handed a receipt and you can optionally sit or stand awaiting your assigned number to be called, even if that means you're leaving the store at the ripe old age of eighty four.

Anyone of whom is an Argos regular will have learned by now that no matter which of the seemingly infinite items of stock you pick from the catalogue, a member of staff will always come from the back of the shop with exactly what it was you requested. Many people have spent years pondering how this is a physical possibility, but it's easily explained.

Back in 1964, Argos struck a deal with a Mister "John Smith" of the television show Doctor Who, after seeing the amazing conversion his relatives had made of a standard old blue police box. These conversions featured "bigger on the inside" technology and this was absolutely perfect for Argos, looking to meet growing demand.

To this day, blue police boxes are kept out back of all major Argos stores, but the effects of Brexit are showing.

Since September 2nd, all replacement police boxes have been manufactured in and imported from Malaysia in a bid to save money as the Pound is predicted to come crashing post-Brexit. UK based factories from all corners have as a result been closed, bringing the number of job losses to around the 11,000 mark, with little to no compensation for former employees.

Totally Real News has reached out to the country of Malaysia for further comment.

Unless you're a cave dweller or you're stuck in an alternate dimension where the UK has some level of acceptable weather...
13/10/2018

Unless you're a cave dweller or you're stuck in an alternate dimension where the UK has some level of acceptable weather patterns, you'll be well aware that there's some moist c**t in the sky that goes by the name of Callum. What an absolute jelly.

This comes as a surprise to most of the gullible population, as most of our "media buddies" often report on how we're to be expecting an - and I quote - "Indian Summer", despite the fact that India is like a gazillion miles away. We'd all have liked a bit of the warmer weather, but that di****ad Callum clearly had alternate plans. I'm in a right mind to go up there myself and punch him right in the eye.

Callum's c**ty attitude has, as predicted, got people bitching about the wind and the rain, as per British tradition. Even the rivers are having a good cry, causing disruption across the country. Maybe it'd be a good strategy to dump a big glass dome over the top of the Isles as seen in The Simpsons Movie. This could also be considered as a method of ridding of the scroat-like minority - namely chavs - upon sailing them out into the English Channel on a raft.

Are you in favour of this dome/raft initiative? Let us know below.

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