15/09/2025
🌱 Forgiveness and reconciliation of the self 🌱
Part one of my ✨Musings Monday✨, where I post musings based on quotes/ideas/thoughts that have popped up through the week, mainly via other people.
This week is about forgiveness, and not of other people, but of yourself! It is inspired by the quote below, by Rebecca Stead from ‘Goodbye Stranger’ (2015). I have not read the book, but this quote resurfaces every once in a while:
🗨️ “Who is the real you? The person who did something awful, or the one who’s horrified by the awful thing you did? Is one part of your allowed to forgive the other?” 🗨️
In addition: are those two separate parts? Or one of a greater whole?
Where does one part of you end and where does one part of you begin?
It is inevitable that you will do something which goes against your values, beliefs, and morals; something that you are ashamed of. It is part of being alive and being human. Especially when you are still learning and figuring out what those values, beliefs, and morals are. You’re allowed to change them as you go, after all. You’re also allowed to change who you want to be as a person.
But what do you do when your actions do not align with the person you want to be? What do you do when your actions reflect something other than who you believe you are, and who you are trying to grow into? When you have done “something awful”?
I’m not going to define “something awful”. I have no doubt something popped into your mind that you already did you perceive as “something awful”, or if not, you can use your imagination.
So what do you do when you realise you have not acted in a way which aligns with the person you want to be/believe you are? This is usually the time when Shame™️ and Guilt™️ like to visit and make their home. Shame, especially, for me, likes to gnaw at my stomach like a rabid squirrel trying to fatten up for winter. It’s insistent, loud, uncomfortable, and the more you ignore it, the worse it becomes. Like that sh*tty housemate that leaves empty packs of crisps around and overturns the kitchen to make toast. Or my cat at 4am when he wants me to feed him because the food in his bowl is one millimetre below the rim. It will not go away until you acknowledge it.
All people handle shame differently. Some people like to hold shame and keep it with them, feed it, water it, nurture it, have it take over and colour every aspect of their life. Some ignore it, let it fester, until the squirrel becomes a beast and with its foaming mouth takes over every aspect of life. Some people don’t even *realise* they’re ignoring it so when the beast comes charging through, they are surprised. Etc., etc,.
“But Szilvia,” I hear you say, “aren’t you being a bit dramatic?”
No, not really. Depending on how one handles shame, it impacts one’s self-worth. And self-worth has an impact on how you see and interact with yourself, others, and the world. Whether or not you believe you are worthy of love, understanding, and acceptance (which shame can tell you that you are *not**)* will dictate how you see the world. Brené Brown has a wonderful series on shame and if this topic interests you, I recommend looking into it.
Now that is not to say shame is a bad thing. It is neither good nor bad - it is a feeling. But how one handles the feeling is what makes the difference. Shame can serve to remind us of our values and morals, but it can also highlight the parts of ourselves that have been hurt/moulded/shaped in the past by things out of and in our control. It can help us break cycles which no longer serve us, help us reflect on how we have evolved as a person, and can also give us a moment to reflect on situations: is this shame mine, someone else’s, and what is it trying to tell me?
Forgiveness is always personal. It can be asked for and it can be given. But it is always up to the individual.
When was the last time you forgave yourself?
