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Beyond Compère, Croydon (2026)

01/11/2025

Saucy Giles was caught with his pants down again; this time tending his er****on on a park bench in Solihull.

17/11/2021

Beyond Compère are delighted to welcome this week’s sponsors; J**z Fashion.

Has an enticing shop façade and interior ever attracted and established an upmarket clientele quite like J**z Fashion?

“I highly fu***ng doubt it,” quips co-chairman and founder Spencer Lipps, whose daring and spectacular range of minimalist urban evening wear caused a splash at London Fashion Week last month.

Former dance choreographer Lipps waxes lyrical about his clothes “Incorporating stylistic modes and spheres of consumption, involving the interrelationship of word and image appropriating technological and social changes and the impact of class, gender and race politics,” adding they can be worn by anyone with the winning combination of “an unlimited budget and a total absence of taste and self awareness.”

“That’s why people are flocking to our flagship store in St. George’s Walk, Croydon,” a proud Lipps announced, “In between the the old Fads storefront and the abandoned lot where Crazy Chicken used to be.”

“Business is booming and will continue to do so,” boasted Lipps, “barring a natural disaster, or perhaps the council’s decision to bulldoze the entire precinct!” he joked.

No conflict of interest here. So we’re taking the money and running the ads.

30/09/2021

* PRESS RELEASE *

Sexy current ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck lead vocalist Aya Huasca, seen here frolicking by the pool, took time out from her usual pastime of laying down vocals for ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck, to deny rumours that she is currently laying down vocals for ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck, even though her usual pastime is indeed laying down vocals for ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck’, but it’s her day off and she’s spending the afternoon frolicking by the pool.

Wait, let me rephrase that. Actually no, f**k that, I don’t even know where to start. Remind me to have a word with Zoo-Hat Records’ press secretary next time I see him.

The whereabouts of Marie Internette, the Tik-Tok sensation and leading influencer hotly tipped to replace current lead singer Aya, remain unconvincing.

29/09/2021

Today marks the 30th anniversary of BSB’s infamous, and ill-fated, sitcom “Heil Honey I’m Home!” starring Saucy Giles, who was going through something of a renaissance at the time following a memorable expletive-ridden appearance on ‘TFI Friday’.

It’s hard to find evidence of this now legendary disaster, but fortunately for us Saucy Giles revealed a script along with his p***s, when he pulled both out from under his dressing gown earlier.

Here is an excerpt which really does make one wonder why the show wasn’t commissioned for another series:-

Episode 9: ‘A N**i Case of the Windy-Pops’

Ava: “Ooh, Hi**er! What have you done? It smells like a monkey took a s**t in a pumpkin!”
(Canned laughter)
Adolf: “Alas, mine pipes are all twisted up with spoilt wind, yes you can believe that, playa.”
(Canned laughter)
Ava: “I thought the doctor had fixed your rotten arse-tantrums?”
(Canned laughter)
Adolf: “Nein, he was unable to stimulate my micro-p***s. It is such a pity.”
(Minor chuckles; groans)
Ava: “It is a pitiful, smelly little thing. But what about your haunted gas leaks? The air is so thick I shall carve my way out of here with a scythe, if I am to escape these brutal fumes.”
(Canned laughter)
*Loud fart*
(Canned laughter, applause)
Adolf: “Oh no, that will have left a mark, and you can believe that, playa.”
(Canned laughter)
Ava: “Goodness, a wetness to that one! Your foul deed is indeed arresting. Did the doctor prescribe a rotting egg up your noisy cursed damp slit?”
(Canned laughter)
Adolf: “I told you he could not locate my micro-p***s. It is rotten and believed fallen off.”
(Canned laughter)
Ava: “You are absolutely disgusting. A barely human, sad little joke-man.”
(Silence, whistle)
Adolf: “Aw s**t get a tissue”
(Canned laughter)
Ava: “Aw balls-s**t, and yes you better farkin’ best belie’ dat, mien playa!”
(Canned laughter, applause)

(c) British Satellite Broadcasting

We’d like to thank Saucy Giles for his cooperation. “Oh that’s quite alright,” he says.

01/09/2021

Beyond Compère are delighted to welcome this weeks sponsors; Balfour’s Fish & Chips.

Older readers may recall the Glasgow chippy hitting the headlines way back in 1991, when legal action from CBS/Columbia Records forced the business to change from their original name “Earth, Wind and Fryer”, to “Come On Baby, Light My Fryer”.

However this daring solution proved short lived; only one year later legal action from Elektra Records forced them to change their name once again, this time to “Come On Baby, Light My Fart”.

A change of ownership in 2001 meant yet another name change, briefly to “Fryer F**k’s”, before pressure from neighbouring retailers finally caused them to settle on the distinctly less catchy, but thankfully far less controversial “Balfour’s Fish & Chips”.

But it wasn’t too long before they bounced back into the headlines, after cheekily capitalising on the success of a wildly trending advertising slogan for an online wheelchair dealer, which they clever manipulated into their newly adopted current slogan; “We fry any bar .com”.

Nowadays Balfour’s, infamous for their gimmick of dropping “any bar” into a bubbling vat of three-week-old saturated beef fat, apparently don’t draw the line at mere confectionery. “We’ll happily deep-fry a turd, if that’s what you want,” confided owner Gary McPharlane, adding “In fact we’ve got a couple on the counter that’ve been waiting for collection for several days now.”

Asked if he was concerned they might get mixed up with the Mars Bars and Creme Eggs, Gary didn’t seem too bothered. “Nobody’s noticed yet,” he boasted matter-of-factly.

No conflict of interest here (in fact Saucy Giles has already given them his personal seal of approval, after demolishing two bags of free samples, despite them being stone cold and caked in congealed grease to the floor of the delivery van) so toss another log in the fryer and thanks for the money.

(We really could do with the money right now.)

31/08/2021

* PRESS RELEASE *

Sexy current ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck lead vocalist Aya Huasca took time out from her usual pastime of frolicking by the pool, to deny rumours that she is currently frolicking by the pool, and furthermore her usual pastime is not frolicking by the pool, but laying down vocals for ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

Sexy current ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck lead vocalist Aya Huasca, pictured here seductively enjoying a cold Coca-Cola nowhere near the pool, and definitely not frolicking by it, took time out from her usual pastime of laying down vocals for ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck, to deny rumours that she is currently frolicking by the pool.

There, that’s cleared all that up.

The whereabouts of Marie Internette, the Tik-Tok sensation and leading influencer who was, until recently, hotly tipped to replace the sexy time-travelling singer, remain unconfirmed as rumours of her existence, or rather lack of, continue to gather momentum.

30/08/2021

Beyond Compère are delighted, well.. trying to look on the bright side of welcoming our latest clients, DogSh*t Designs.

The Creative Services company, famous for last year’s ‘Life is Cheep’ meme which quickly became a tee shirt and then, just as quickly, was completely forgotten about, specialise in corporate logo designs, advertising, promotional material and copyrighting.

They were recommended to us by our legal associates and parent company Cox & Moore, who own a majority stake in the fledgling design firm who are coincidentally responsible for our brand new, revamped logo which you can see at the header of this page.

Honestly we had little say in the matter, but to be quite transparent we are forever indebted to Cox & Moore following their last-minute bailout, which thankfully rescued the UK’s no.1 talent agency from the brink of collapse, when they somehow persuaded a mystery benefactor to cover the legal costs incurred from a failed attempt to sue Thames Water, after that time my phone disappeared down the pipes.

We never did discover who generously put up the cash preventing us from certain bankruptcy. Any ideas? Leave your best guess in the comments.

In the meantime, bookings and further information can be found in the ‘Services’ section of our page.

28/08/2021

It was a lacklustre turnout at this years Beyond Compère Talent Awards, held in the plush offices of our parent company and legal representatives Cox & Moore, yesterday evening.

Saucy Giles was the first to appear, quickly alighting at the buffet where he pulled up a chair and began stuffing his pockets with hors d’oeuvres, before someone pointed out it was all free, at which point he relaxed and spent the rest of the night calmly pressing profiteroles into his cheeks, all the while leaking a small yet steady stream of frothy urine from his pants.

Gingerf**ks the Clown was expected to attend and accept the Most Untalented Talent award, hotly tipped to upset David Daniels’ three-year winning streak, but he was unfortunately refused entry because he arrived in what was described only as “a state of intoxication”, carrying several pounds of rope in his trousers.

“The smell was intolerable,” recounted head of security Mr. Black, “Even after we’d doused him in multiple gallons of rainwater from the gutter.” He spent the remainder of the evening recovering in some nearby bushes where he was dumped, wrapped in his clowns bicycle with a note tacked to his head, reading “Vote for Gingerf**ks”.

A live appearance from The Shipbuilders was cancelled at the last minute when, after a vicious battle, Daniel realised that he couldn’t fit inside his owl costume. The other Daniel spent the better part of the evening in the bathroom, hunched over the toilet dispelling an entire hull’s worth of seawater which he had accidentally ingested during their last voyage to Aldi.

In the end the only participant who appeared, via a live satellite link from Kabul, was DJ Kallel who was sadly informed his contract had been terminated due to the legal complications of him being not of an age to work in the UK.

“It was a regrettable case of bad timing,” lamented special guest host Gary Busey, who was later discovered passed out in the director’s office clutching a bottle of Krystal in one hand and his limp p***s in the other, with a quarter-ounce of co***ne spread around his lap.

Most conspicuous by her absence, despite being advertised right up until midway through the ceremony, was sexy current ‘pop band from the future’ lead vocalist Aya Huasca, disappointing many of the attendees who were eagerly awaiting a chance to meet and greet the elusive star.

“I camped outside the previous three nights so I could be first in line for an autograph,” revealed junior office junior Clint Flicker, who was twice robbed as he slept. “But all I ended up with was a piss-sodden sleeping bag, a black eye and a mild case of pneumonia. Minus three pounds sterling.”

No doubt we’ll be hearing more details and behind-the-scenes gossip from the staff of Cox & Moore variously in attendance, as their memories begin to return over the coming few days.

* Invitations, letterheads and corporate sponsorship courtesy of DogSh*t Designs & Creative Services (a subsidiary of Cox & Moore) *

26/08/2021

* PRESS RELEASE *

Sexy former ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck lead vocalist Aya Huasca, pictured here frolicking by the pool, took time out from her usual pastime of frolicking by the pool, to deny rumours that she is no longer the lead vocalist in ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

Sexy current ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck lead vocalist Aya Huasca, pictured here frolicking by the pool, took time out from her usual pastime of frolicking by the pool, to deny rumours that she is no longer the lead vocalist in ‘pop band from the future’ Chipwreck.

I think that clears all that up.

Marie Internette, hotly tipped to replace the as-yet unborn future-starlet, was unavailable for comment whilst her whereabouts and existence remain undetermined, fuelling rumours suggesting that now she is not even a real person.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments.

24/08/2021

Beyond Compère are delighted to welcome this week’s sponsors; Obscenity For Men.

This may present a conflict of interest, as our legal firm Cox & Moore also currently manage (rather poorly, I might add) the manufacturer behind this fragrance; Miss Nicaragua.

But for now, we’re bowing to the pressure of their Death Squad, taking their freshly-laundered money and running the ads.

29/04/2021

Beyond Compère are delighted to welcome this week’s sponsors; Winston Ci******es.

This may present a conflict of interest, as our legal firm Cox & Moore are currently embroiled in a bitter legal dispute regarding the misleading surgeon’s warning, which claims the tar content is negligible and smoking two packs a day guarantees an increased s***m count, even in women.

But for now, we’re taking their money and running the ads.

06/11/2020

* PRESS RELEASE *

“The Pop Band from the Future” Chip-Wreck (formerly Raspberry Whirl) formally announced they have parted ways with sexy lead singer Aya Huasca, who has now officially left the band.

Controversy dogged the “future-pop” act ever since they arrived on the scene, famously stepping out from a cross between the Tardis and a souped-up Robin Reliant, surprising everyone by scooping the “2024 Best Newcomer” trophy at last years Mobo Awards.

Since then accusations of exploitation persisted, fuelled by the as-yet unborn (and possibly made-up entirely) singer posing for an ill-advised series of photographs taken by serial sex-offender Terry “T-Bags” Richardson. “It cannot be understated how badly her image was tarnished, merely by association with that aged, cloying s**t-bag,” ventured a spokesman from Zoo-Hat Records. “The fact her age, whereabouts and existence remains undetermined just added to the controversy. Nobody has been able to produce a birth certificate, nor any real evidence to suggest she is even a real person”.

Despite a statement from legal representatives Cox & Moore citing “musical differences”, rumours currently circulating point to a less-than-mutual agreement. “She had little to say in the matter. Being as she’s officially not even been born yet” a source close to the band revealed next week.

YouTube influencer and reigning social-media scene-queen Marie Internette is hotly tipped to replace Aya as lead vocalist and front-person, with bookies tipping the time-travelling ensemble to sweep the Brits in 2026 following the release of their platinum-selling second LP “Let Them Eat Chips”.

“At least this will finally put to rest all the rumour and conjecture regarding time-travelling pin-up Aya being variously unborn, undead or the result of a board-meeting conjuring ritual,” added a representative from management Cox & Moore. “Although it’s impossible to prove anything about Chip-Wreck if they continue to use the Tardbus as their intergalactic touring vehicle”.

“I don’t have to show my t**s to prove I exist!” laughed Marie Internette, in an exclusive TikTok interview. “Or put a shoe on my head (although I do sometimes wear a shoe on my head ironically, as a satirical fashion-accessory). I can do whatever I fu***ng want. I am Queen of the Internets!” she added before placing a shoe on her head and buffering uncontrollably into next week.

Stay tuned for more news as progressively outlandish stories continue to be fabricated by the band’s increasingly inventive marketing team.

Beyond Compère

01/11/2025

17/11/2021

30/09/2021

29/09/2021

01/09/2021

31/08/2021

30/08/2021

28/08/2021

26/08/2021

24/08/2021

29/04/2021

06/11/2020

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