GNN - Gainsborough News Network

GNN - Gainsborough News Network GNN's official page, bringing Gainsborough's stories to Gainsborough's people.

***GAINSBOROUGH MP MAINTAINS GRIP ON HIS SEAT***"I've held this seat for 41 years and I'm not going to give it up." Sir ...
05/07/2024

***GAINSBOROUGH MP MAINTAINS GRIP ON HIS SEAT***

"I've held this seat for 41 years and I'm not going to give it up." Sir Edward pulls his footstool closer and rests his legs on top, "I've had to have it upholstered a couple of times, it's expensive, but absolutely worth it."

Sir Edward explained to GNN reporters that he has tried many different chairs over the years but, always goes back to his favourite wingbacked throne.

"The headrest is at just the right height and if I sit for too long in any other chair, I start getting a bit of back pain."

Many MPs have attempted to remove the seat from Sir Edward during his time in the Gainsborough constituency but have failed.

GNN spoke to one of Sir Edward's assistants,

"You can't have anything in Gainsborough, if you leave anything on show, you can almost guarantee someone will take it, the amount of MPs that have tried to take this seat is ridiculous, if we didn't have someone keeping an eye on it 24/7 it would be gone, even the ring doorbell camera doesn't deter the buggers."

Local Labour candidate Jess McGuire has had eyes on Sir Edward's alluring seat for some time now,

"It just looks so comfortable, the cushioning on it looks so plump and the buttoning is so beautiful, I can only imagine how good it feels to sit on."

Jess described in detail the many features of the chair whilst our reporter finally reached level 3000 on Candy Crush.

"I was close to nabbing it this time round, I snuck past the ring doorbell undetected, but the security guards never left the damn chair unattended."

Despite many attempts at unseating him, Sir Edward appears to have a strong grip on this enchanting seat and is adamant that he's not going to give it up for anyone.

Keep your eyes peeled for more from GNN.

GNN reporters have acquired some of the plans for the fabled Lea road roundabout. These plans were initially only made a...
04/07/2024

GNN reporters have acquired some of the plans for the fabled Lea road roundabout. These plans were initially only made available to an elite club of individuals, ranging from dog surfing instructors, acupuncturists and s*x workers. Some local government officials found out about these plans whilst visiting members of this exclusive club, presumably the dog surfing instructors, and pushed for them to be shared with local businesses and other relevant individuals.

One of our freelance reporters visited "therapist" Angelica (alias to conceal true identity) at her flat on Bridge street,

"A regular of mine came for his monthly appointment, he wasn't wearing his usual suit and wasn't interested in his bottle of breast milk, which I thought was odd, but he swiped the plans off of my dresser and took off. I haven't heard from him since."

Angelica lit up a cigarette and continued,

"The next thing I know, these plans have been distributed for all to see. I'm losing business over it because people would come to see me so I could show them the finished article."

Now that these plans are out for all to see, they will hopefully shed some light on the speculation surrounding the project.

Keep an eye on GNN for more updates.

Road works contractors were left stunned when they found out about Gainsborough's local Facebook forums which are a foun...
02/07/2024

Road works contractors were left stunned when they found out about Gainsborough's local Facebook forums which are a fount of knowledge and expertise for various trades and disciplines.

Discussing the roundabout under construction on Lea road, a member on one of the Facebook groups commented,

"They should have just put traffic lights there instead, it would have been done by now."

The contractors who have taken on the responsibility of building the roundabout at the bottom of Foxby hill were dumbfounded when they realised that traffic lights even existed, let alone an option.

GNN spoke to Robert Baumeister of PBS Contractors, who considered that he needs to rethink his career after hearing about traffic lights on Connecting Gainsborough, a well known local civil engineers forum on Facebook.

"I did some research and educated myself on the application of traffic lights. I've seen them my whole life but just thought they were art installations that people would queue up in their vehicles to look at. I never saw the appeal, however, I just never questioned it."

Robert broke down in tears as he continued to regret his life decisions,

"I wasted so much time on gaining the relevant qualifications, and time on what I thought was gaining valuable experience on projects, but for what? I'm just a joke......a f***ing joke.......I'm going to be sick..."

Our reporters watched Robert sob for 4 minutes before ending the interview.

GNN went to the site at Foxby hill during their scheduled tea break, but our reporter managed to catch the attention of Lofty, one of the labourers, for comment.

"The lads turned up to start on this project and wondered what was going on, we knew that there were other options, but we are all just following orders."

Lofty continued,

"To be honest, I thought the gaffers were doing it to annoy the locals and to prolong the job on purpose so we get paid more, you know with the cost of living crisis and all that, but no, we didn't realise they never knew what traffic lights were. What a bunch of clowns!"

Keepmoat homes have been contacted for comment but are yet to respond.

Lorry drivers are also at risk according to Kevin, a local driving expert on the Connecting Gainsborough Together, professional driver's forum.

"Arctics [sic] are going to tip over with that camber. Why didn't they just build a new bridge over the Trent instead of wasting all that money on a roundabout? There's a perfectly good roundabout at the bottom of the dual carriageway"

What will be the result of this orbicular nightmare? Will it turn out to be completely fit for purpose or will it have to be replaced with traffic lights? Will artic lorry drivers have to retrain in order to enter this ever changing, bustling market town? GNN will be on the lookout for updates.

In recent years we have seen a sharp increase in the amount of v**e shops and barbershops in Gainsborough which has been...
24/06/2024

In recent years we have seen a sharp increase in the amount of v**e shops and barbershops in Gainsborough which has been a cause for concern for the residents of the town. These concerns are mainly in regard to the legitimacy of these companies and the increasing number of children breathing out cumulonimbus-like clouds of raspberry, popcorn and snozzberry flavoured mist. Our GNN reporter took to Trinity street to find out more.

One concerned resident said, "Why can't they sell more healthy flavoured v**es, like quinoa and flax seed or kale and jackfruit? At least then the kids will be able to inhale healthy ingredients instead of all that sugary sweet garbage"

GNN were unable to get into one of the v**e shops for comment due to the crowds of rowdy blazer wearing teens queueing for their unhealthy hit of bubblegum steam.

One local entrepreneur who wished to remain anonymous, who was clearly very busy, gave us a minute of his time to explain his lucrative business model. "Some of the kids aren't confident enough to go into the shops, so I offer the service of buying the goods and reselling directly to them on the street, sometimes you just need to be a friendlier face to succeed in business."

Our GNN reporter contrarily found a barber shop to be empty and spoke to head barber Mr. Daryan Barzani, who appeared to be training his staff by having a neat beard trim by all 4 of them. When we asked how the business can survive when they seemingly have no customers, Mr. Barzani said, "Most of our customers are online now". We were quickly asked to leave as their next client was waiting on a Zoom call for his skinfade and nostril waxing.

Businesses are continuously evolving in this booming market town, and it looks like the V**e and Barber market is here to stay.

*HEADLINE NEWS*CONFUSION OVER BRIDGE TALKS IN GAINSBOROUGH.Discussions surrounding the need for a new bridge in Gainsbor...
23/06/2024

*HEADLINE NEWS*

CONFUSION OVER BRIDGE TALKS IN GAINSBOROUGH.

Discussions surrounding the need for a new bridge in Gainsborough have been met with confusion after a concerned resident came forward for an interview with GNN journalists. Margaret, the chair or the Trent Valley Bridge Association came forward.

"I've heard of lots of talk of new interest in bridge in Gainsborough, but we still have no new members in our club"

Margaret's concerns continue. "Including myself we have 4 members, Barbara is 97 and has been playing bridge for 90 years, she is by far our best player, but her cataracts are so bad that she is going to have to retire at the end of this season."

Margaret went on to say that Bridge requires a minimum of 4 players and with the lack of interest she may have to close the club.

GNN contacted Gainsborough's 'Build a 2nd bridge campaign' for comment.

A spokesperson by the name of Margaret responded.

"Having spoken to your reporters, I now see how being involved in both the Bridge club and the build a 2nd bridge campaign may have contributed somewhat to the confusion."

Rumours circulated by West Lindsey Destruct Council about a retail fashion giant occupying the State building in Gainsbo...
22/06/2024

Rumours circulated by West Lindsey Destruct Council about a retail fashion giant occupying the State building in Gainsborough have been found to have no truth in them whatsoever.

A spokesperson from the Irish fashion retail giant Primark responded to GNN.

"We were previously researching Gainsborough's suitability for a store and we spent some time with a lady called Shanaedae and her daughter Teylar-Mae who were keen advocates of urban pyjama wearing. We decided that due to Primark being at the budget end of the spectrum, we didn't want to cheapen the brand any more, for that reason, we were out"

GNN contacted West Lindsey Destruct Council for a statement.

"Shanaedae made it very clear to Seamus that Gainsborough required a Primark"

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