14/08/2026
Dear Muslims of the UK,
My family and I have decided to move to a Muslim country. We haven’t picked which one yet — we’re still shopping for the best benefits package.
Obviously, all my neighbours want to come too. And their neighbours. And their mates. And their mates’ mates. Before you know it, half of Britain will be turning up with suitcases and a vague sense of entitlement.
As a large Christian community, we’ll need a few small adjustments:
Please start building churches immediately. Proper ones with bells. Loud bells.
We’ll also need certain streets closed once a year for our processions. Don’t worry, it’s not five times a day — we’re not animals.
Every supermarket must stock proper pork, bacon, sausages, and baked beans. We are a minority now, so you’ll just have to be understanding and accommodating of our way of life.
We’re bringing all the dogs. Expect many happy Labradors sh****ng on your pavements. You’ll need dog parks, and you’ll need to smile while we walk them past your mosques.
While we’re at it, your religious holidays are a bit… much. They might offend the Christian community, so we’d appreciate it if you could quietly bin them. Thanks.
In schools and workplaces, our children and staff must be allowed to wear large crucifixes, eat ham sandwiches in the canteen, and generally radiate Christian vibes without anyone clutching their pearls. We also demand prayer rooms in every building, plus translators because we can’t be bothered learning Arabic.
If any of this is refused, please send a list of police station addresses so we can report you for discrimination,christianophobia , and general nastiness.
One more thing: if my kids burn your flag because England just won at football, please be understanding. I’ll give them a really stern telling-off. Maybe even make them write “sorry” 50 times.
Finally, we’d like generous benefits, free housing, and pocket money while we “integrate” over the next three generations. Work is optional, obviously also, we wish to drink alcohol and occasionally gamble on the horses. And in good weather we like to go topless. Please bear with us. You will get used to it.
Appreciate your tolerance in advance. After all, diversity is our strength!
Yours faithfully,
A Very Reasonable Christian
