05/07/2025
I’m four months into 30. To say it’s been a s**t show is an understatement, but I thought I’d try and update with where my head is in case some relate..
Four months ago I lost a perceived family - partner, children, home - and having lived their with them I realised I’d lost my identity in Manchester, so I lost my home there, too. I reverted back to my parents’ home.
I began to grieve a life I believed I was due to have and, in that, ignored every aspect of the life I have been given. I booked holidays, I drank - on occasion, in moderation (Liza Minelli) - i filled every second of my day with someone or something, and am very grateful for my family and friends to be there during it.
However, this fuelled my anxiety no end. I began to dread driving between friends/family, because I knew I was alone in the car, with my thoughts, and giving no time to process them I would cry - or rather wail incessantly - throughout every journey I made, at the end of every night on drink I would cry - again, wail - until I passed out, every morning on holiday I woke up with crippling anxiety because I felt lost physically, in addition to mentally.
This culminated in, three weeks ago, what I can only describe as breaking point. I realised one morning that the only time I felt any sense of presence in my life was the couple of seconds when I would first open my eyes in a morning and I’d forget where I was and what I’d perceived myself to have endured. I no longer wanted to be here.
I spoke to family, friends, work. I spoke to medical professionals and began steps to getting support I need at all levels. I had an incredibly difficult week in particular, not massively helped by the response to some medical professionals (a story for another time).
A few weeks on, I am nowhere massively different. But where I am is in a position where I’ve realised that my perception of what I’ve lost is just that - perception. When in actual fact what I’ve been gifted is an opportunity to grow and strengthen myself.
I guess what I’m trying (and likely failing) to say is that I’ve realised it’s not about where I am that I need to worry about, but who I am that I need to learn.
