The Doric Daily News

05/08/2024

TO BOLDLY (NOT) GO
By Reporter

The highly anticipated Star Trek convention held in Fraserburgh this weekend has turned out to be a cosmic flop, those close to the matter have said.

Despite the event’s tagline, “To Boldly Go Where No Fan Has Gone Before”, fans decided to boldly stay at home.

The convention, which promised appearances from tarted up locals and the opportunity to pay for a look at local crafters' wares, was met with an attendance that could be counted on one hand.

Last night, organisers were left searching for answers and wondering if they had set phasers to “invisible” rather than “stun”.

“We thocht we hid athin covered,” said event coordinater Billy Shatner (no relation).

“We hid the best venue and the best local crafters that are available ti see ivery other weekend for free at the fermer’s market. We even hid a handmade Lego replica o the USS Enterprise.

“It turns oot the only hing we didna hae wis attendees.”

Vendors, who had travelled from across the galaxy (or at least from neighbouring towns), were left with piles of unsold merchandise.

“I brought 200 crystals and sold exactly neen,” lamented one.

Meanwhile, the Klingon language workshop, which was expected to be a major draw, had a grand total of one participant.

“It wis a bitty awkward,” admitted the instructor. “But on the bright side, I noo hae a pal fa can curse in Klingon.”

As the event drew to a close, the few attendees who did show up were treated to a raffle where everyone won by default. Prizes included a lifetime supply of Romulan Ale from the venue, which was later confirmed to be tap water, and a free pass to next year’s convention should it ever happen.

02/08/2024

Arite followers?

Weev bought oorsels one o them funcy cameras for oor staff photomannie and are looking ti get oot and aboot iss wikend to cover some o the events happenin in the patch.

Siggestions in the comments aboot far wi shid go. Nae weirdos please. Ta muchly.

23/07/2024

MYSTERY AT THE TOLL OF BIRNESS?
By Reporter

In a shocking turn of events, the Toll of Birness' closure has been questioned by local councillors who have nothing better to do.

The official explanation had been the junction was to be closed for four days for the installation of a speed camera, but now that story has been unveiled as a lie and the truth can exclusively be revealed by the Doric Daily News.

Rumours had swirled in the early hours of this morning that the closure was due to an alien invasion, with one eyewitness who passed it this morning telling the Doric Daily: "I seen a bright light and then my car stopped working."

It turned out, however, the motorist had veered off the road and landed in the field while trying to rubber-neck at the works.

A second theory suggested the road was being closed because the government was installing specialist equipment that would finally activate the 5G signals everyone was purportedly implanted with some years ago.

But now self-styled "lone wolf" councillor Johnny MacGregor is lifting the lid on what's really happening to us.

"The cooncil has run oot o money and so they're jist gan ti close the road on certain days o the wik," he told the Doric Daily.

"They're swapping at stretch to the Broch ti a part-time model with a view of asking motorists to join a select few fa can call emsels 'Prime' users for a monthly fee for access.

"It's a bitty like fit you dee with the Netflix. Yi pay a bitty mare and yi get extra benefits."

While the road remains closed, council road workers are believed to be installing a new billboard at the Toll of Birness junction. Non-Prime users of the road will be required to stop at this for up to 45 seconds to watch an advertisement before carrying on with their journey.

This is a developing story and we will add to it as more comes in.

14/06/2024

03/06/2024

SHOPKEEPER'S PLEA: "BUY LOCAL WHILE I BUY GLOBAL"
By Reporter

In a shocking turn of events, the owner of “Chez Chuckleberry,” a quaint little bistro known for its artisanal kale smoothies and gluten-free avocado toast, was spotted shopping at a local megastore.

The irony? Chez Chuckleberry has been running a fervent campaign in Fraserburgh urging patrons to “shop local” and "use it before you lose it" to support his small business.

The clandestine operation unfolded yesterday afternoon when an eagle-eyed customer, Mrs Gertrude Marmaris, recognised the restaurant owner, Chuck Quill, pushing a cart laden with economy-sized ketchup bottles, industrial-sized bags of chips, and a family pack of neon-coloured energy drinks. Mrs Marmaris, who had just finished her weekly farmers market haul for her own local takeaway, couldn’t believe her eyes.

“I mean, er he wis, right in the frozen foods aisle, chucking frozen pizza into his cart like er was nae tomorrow,” Mrs Marmaris recounted.

“And dinna get ma started on the fluorescent orange cheese! It’s like he’s single-handedly keeping the processed food industry afloat.”

Local food critic Nigel Sharpe expressed his disappointment.

“It’s a betrayal of epic proportions,” he said, adjusting his oversized bowtie.

“Chuck has been preaching about the importance of supporting local farmers, artisanal cheese makers, and free-range quinoa suppliers. And now we find out he’s secretly hoarding and selling discount hot dogs? It’s scandalous!”

The news spread like wildfire through the community, and Chuckleberry’s social media accounts were soon flooded with comments ranging from “Hypocrite!” to “Is that a frozen lasagna in your cart, Chuck?” The Google reviews for Chez Chuckleberry have also plummeted.

When confronted by reporters, Quill stammered: “Well, yi see, it’s all about market research! Aye, at's it. I’m studying the competition. How can I compete with other takeaway's selling the same stuff I do for half the price if I dinna ken fit's in their food?"

His explanation didn’t sit well with the local farmers’ cooperative. Farmer Joe, who could supply Chez Chuckleberry with heirloom tomatoes, shook his pitchfork in anger.

“Market research, my fit," he exclaimed.

"Chuck’s been buying canned peas and Bisto! Fit's next? A Tesco special on the menu? Fit he's deing is emotional blackmail to mak a quick buck on a business naebody even wanted in the toon."

In a desperate attempt to salvage his reputation, Quill has since announced a new menu item: “The Hypocrite’s Delight.” It features a deep-fried rowie served with a side of guilt and a sprinkling of crushed dreams.

Local councillor Doris Less, who herself became local at the last election when her political party parachuted her into the constituency from her original home of Limerick, said: "Well do as I say, not as I do. It's a phrase that's served me well and I wish Mr Quill all the best in his efforts to fake it until he makes it."

21/02/2024

ABERDEENSHIRE MAN DISCOVERS CONSPIRACY INVOLVING FARM ANIMALS, ALIENS
By Reporter

In a stunning turn of events, Peterhead resident and self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist, Harold McSkeptical, has announced his groundbreaking discovery of an elaborate conspiracy involving farm animals and crop circles. McSkeptical claims to have uncovered a secret organization that operates from the depths of Aberdeenshire's rolling hills, orchestrating a grand scheme to communicate with extraterrestrial beings.

According to McSkeptical, his journey into uncovering this clandestine operation began when he stumbled upon an oddly shaped crop circle while walking in a field near his home. The peculiar design, resembling a sheep wearing a tin foil hat, immediately triggered his suspicious mind.

Convinced that the crop circle was not the work of natural phenomena or mischievous teenagers, McSkeptical embarked on a quest to decode its hidden message. Armed with a magnifying glass and an old copy of "The X-Files" DVD collection, he spent countless sleepless nights scrutinizing the intricate patterns etched into the fields.

After days of intense analysis, McSkeptical made a breakthrough. He deciphered what he believes to be a series of encoded messages from extraterrestrial life forms, hidden within the seemingly harmless crop circles. The messages allegedly included instructions for farm animals to carry out secret missions, such as covertly gathering intelligence, and spreading disinformation among humans.

McSkeptical's claims became even more outlandish when he started linking these covert missions to the behaviour of local farm animals. According to his research, cows would moo in Morse code to transmit classified information, while sheep would use synchronized bleating patterns to communicate with UFOs hovering above Aberdeenshire's vast pastures.

As news of McSkeptical's revelations spread, he quickly gained a cult-like following among fellow conspiracy enthusiasts, who dubbed themselves "Crop Circle Crusaders." They hold meetings in McSkeptical's basement, equipped with walls plastered with red string connecting various sheep farms, crop circles, and extraterrestrial sightings.

Local farmers, however, have dismissed McSkeptical's claims as utter nonsense. John MacMoray, a fourth-generation sheep farmer, stated: "I've been raising sheep for ower 40 years, and I can assure yi they're nae secret agents. They're just interested in grazing and avoiding the occasional XL Bully dog that some dodger has 'saved' fae England."

Despite the ridicule and skepticism from the scientific community, McSkeptical remains undeterred. He plans to publish a book titled "The Sheep Code: Unravelling the Secrets of Aberdeenshire's Farmyard Spies" and hopes to secure a spot on a popular YouTube show hosted by a taxi driver in his car while the wife's boyfriend visits.

As Aberdeenshire continues to grapple with the fallout of this bizarre conspiracy theory, one thing is for certain: Harold McSkeptical is leaving a mark on the region's history, much like the crop circles he believes hold the key to the universe.

19/02/2024

TURRIFF BOY RACER TURNS HEADS WITH "TRACTOR OF SPEED"
By Reporter

The world of boy racing in Turriff has taken an unexpected turn as a daring young enthusiast has ditched conventional vehicles and opted for a new mode of transportation that's capturing the attention of locals. Meet Adam "The Farmer" McBurney, the boy racer who has chosen a tractor as his vehicle of choice for tearing up the streets.

While other boy racers are busy modifying their dad's sports car, Adam has taken a bold step back in time, embracing the raw power and agricultural charm of a classic tractor. With its rumbling engine, towering wheels, and exhaust smoke reminiscent of a bonfire, Adam's "Tractor of Speed" has become the talk of the town.

"It's a sicht to behold," said one bewildered onlooker. "Fan Adam revs yon tractor, yi can practically feel the vibrations in yer bones. It's like being at a monster truck rally, but we a touch o rural elegance."

Adam, sporting a flat cap and a pair of well-worn overalls, proudly showcases his tractor's modifications. The once-utilitarian vehicle now features a massive rear spoiler, neon lights that change color with the RPM, and an ear-shattering sound system that rivals the volume of Turriff United's social club following a rare win.

"I'm all aboot pushing the boundaries o boy racing," Adam declared, adjusting his shades. "Fa needs horsepower when you can hae hay-power? Iss tractor is a symbol of my rebellious spirit and ma love for the countryside."

While Adam's dedication to his unique mode of transportation is undeniable, not everyone in Turriff shares his enthusiasm. Local shops have reported an increase in broken windows due to the tractor's wide turning radius, and farmers are concerned about the potential damage to their fields caused by his impromptu off-road excursions.

But Adam remains undeterred, with plans to establish the Turriff Tractor Racing League, complete with obstacle courses and mud pits. He dreams of the day when the roar of tractor engines and the smell of diesel fuel fill the air, transforming Turriff into a hub of agricultural adrenaline.

Authorities, on the other hand, have been scratching their heads, trying to determine the legality of Adam's unconventional racing machine.

"We're in uncharted territory here," admitted a local police officer. "Oor traffic laws dinna quite account for tractors tearing through the streets at breakneck speeds. We might hiv to consult with the cows in the neighbouring fields for advice."

As Adam continues to sow the seeds of his unique brand of boy racing, Turriff finds itself at the crossroads of tradition and innovation.

Whether you love it or loathe it, one thing is for certain: Adam is plowing his way into the annals of Turriff boy racing history.

19/02/2024

FRASERBURGH COUNCILLOR NAMES SELF RULER OF THE SEAGULLS, PROPOSES CHIP TAX
By Reporter

In a stunning display of avian ambition, local councillor Agnes McMair has declared themselves the self-proclaimed ruler of the seagulls that frequent the coastal town. McMair's audacious claim to avian authority has left residents wondering if this is some kind of elaborate prank or a genuine exercise in absurdity.

McMair, known for getting in Facebook arguments and a penchant for sea-themed attire, made the announcement during a town hall meeting. Standing atop a podium adorned with fish-shaped flag banners, they addressed the bewildered crowd, declaring: "Hear ma, good people of the Broch! I hereby crown masel the rightful ruler of the majestic seagulls that grace oor skies!"

The declaration was met with a mix of laughter, confusion, and a few raised eyebrows. Undeterred, she proceeded to outline their grand vision for seagull governance, which involved enacting policies to address various seagull-related issues in the town.

One of McMair's primary proposals is the implementation of a new tax on local fish and chip shops. They argued that the tax would help fund seagull welfare programs, including the establishment of dedicated seagull sanctuaries and the development of seagull-friendly rubbish disposal systems.

The proposed tax, dubbed the "Wing Levy," would require fish and chip shops to contribute a percentage of their profits towards seagull-related initiatives. McMair believes this tax would not only benefit the seagull population but also promote a more harmonious coexistence between humans and the feathered residents of Fraserburgh.

Naturally, the fish and chip shop owners were less than thrilled about the idea. Dave McFryer, owner of "The Golden Gills," expressed his concerns, saying: "I ken the importance of wildlife conservation, but taxing us for the actions of seagulls seems a bit excessive. Besides, they already get their fair share of chips fae unsuspecting tourists!"

McMair remains undeterred by the opposition, assuring the public that their intentions are noble.

"By taxing fish and chip shops, we will be addressing the root cause of seagull aggression and over-reliance on human food," she said. "Together, we can create a utopia far seagulls coexist peacefully we locals and chips remain chip-shaped."

Only time will tell if McMair's reign as the self-proclaimed ruler of the seagulls will be met with support or if it will ultimately be seen as a feather-brained idea.

18/02/2024

PETERHEAD DECLARES ITSELF "BERMUDA TRIANGLE" OF SCOTTISH WEATHER
By Reporter

In a puzzling twist of meteorological anomalies, the small coastal town of Peterhead has proudly declared itself the "Bermuda Triangle of Scottish Weather." The baffling climate patterns and unpredictable atmospheric conditions have left meteorologists scratching their heads while locals embrace the town's newfound reputation as a hub of meteorological mischief.

Nestled on the northeastern coast of Scotland, Peterhead has long been known for its stunning coastal characters and picturesque harbour graffiti. However, in recent years, the town has gained notoriety for its peculiar and often absurd weather phenomena, leaving residents and visitors alike in a state of perpetual confusion.

One moment, the sun shines brilliantly, prompting locals to break out their SPF 50 sunscreen and beach towels. The next moment, dark storm clouds roll in, accompanied by torrential rain and gale-force winds that send umbrellas flying and leave pedestrians clinging to bandstands for dear life.

As a result, meteorologists stationed in Peterhead have given up trying to make accurate weather predictions. The local weather report had become a source of entertainment, with residents placing bets on how many times the meteorologist's predictions will be completely off the mark.

"Peterhead's weather is like a box of chocolates – yi niver ken fit yer gan ti get," chuckled local resident Sheila McSkeptic, as she struggled to navigate the sudden shift from hail to sunshine within a matter of minutes. "One minute it's sunny, the next it's snowing. It keeps life interesting, I suppose!"

The town council has embraced the quirkiness of Peterhead's climate and has begun to capitalize on its reputation. Tourism brochures now feature taglines such as "Experience All Four Seasons in One Day!" and "A Weather Rollercoaster Like No Other!" Visitors are encouraged to pack everything from sunscreen to snow boots, just in case.

Local businesses have also adapted to the whimsical weather patterns. Fish and chip shops now offer "Rainy Day Specials" to lift spirits during sudden downpours, while umbrella vendors have seen a lucrative spike in sales. Meanwhile, sunscreen manufacturers have experienced a surge in demand during unexpected sunny spells.

Peterhead's claim to be the "Bermuda Triangle of Scottish Weather" has not gone unchallenged, however. Other communities, such as Inverness and Wick, argue that they too have their fair share of meteorological mysteries. A fierce rivalry has emerged, with each town vying for the coveted title of the most baffling weather patterns in Scotland.

As meteorologists continue to scratch their heads and residents prepare for all weather eventualities, one thing is clear: Peterhead's unpredictable climate has turned the town into a peculiar and enchanting destination.

So, if you find yourself in Peterhead, remember to pack your sunglasses, raincoat, snow boots, and, above all, a really big stick. Because in Peterhead, you never know what the weather will bring next, but you can be sure it will still be Peterhead. Rough.

18/02/2024

LOCAL HERO DISCOVERS NEW METHOD TO KEEP FISH FRESH FOREVER, DECLARED FISH WHISPERER
By Reporter

In a breakthrough that has stunned the scientific community and left local fishmongers scratching their heads, a self-proclaimed "fish whisperer" from Fraserburgh claims to have developed a revolutionary method to keep fish fresh forever.

Angus Hay, a retired plumber with a penchant for piscine pursuits, has become an overnight sensation after unveiling his supposedly game-changing discovery.

According to Hay, the secret lies in his unique ability to communicate with fish on a deeply spiritual level.

"I've always had a special connection with our aquatic friends," he explained. "They tell me their deepest desires and fears, and now they've revealed to me the secret to eternal freshness."

Fraserburgh Fish Market was abuzz with excitement as Hay demonstrated his technique in front of a skeptical audience at yeserday's landings. He brought out a bucket filled with an assortment of fish, ranging from haddock to salmon, and began engaging in what appeared to be an animated conversation with the aquatic delicacies, and the onlookers watched in awe as the fish seemed to respond to his words, swimming energetically in the bucket.

Hay's method involves a complex blend of positive affirmations, classical music, and aromatherapy. He claims that by soothing the fish's souls and creating a stress-free environment, he can halt the natural decay process, effectively freezing them in a state of perpetual freshness.

"It's all about giving them a sense of purpose and fulfilment," he declared, holding up a sprig of lavender as if it were a magic wand.

Naturally, scientists and experts in the field remain sceptical of his claims. Dr. Fiona MacIntyre, a marine biologist from the University of Aberdeen, expressed her doubts, stating: "While Mr. Hay's enthusiasm is commendable, there is no scientific evidence to support his theory. Fish, like any organic matter, decay over time, and no amount of positive reinforcement can change that."

Nevertheless, Hay's fame continues to grow, and he has already received numerous inquiries from fishmongers and seafood restaurants eager to learn his secrets. In response, he plans to launch a series of workshops titled "Zen and the Art of Fish Preservation," where he will teach his techniques for an energy transfer of about £10 per fish.

Local residents have mixed feelings about his newfound fame, however. Some hail him as the saviour of Fraserburgh's fishing industry, while others dismiss him as a deluded eccentric.

One sceptical local, who wished to remain anonymous, quipped: "If he's so good with fish, maybe he shid run for the Scottish Parliament. We cud use someone fa can communicate we politicians. They hiv been gein us positive affirmations for years aboot how things will get better and we still only hae charity shops and takeaways in the toon centre!"

Only time will tell if Hay's fish-whispering abilities are the real deal or just an elaborate prank. In the meantime, Fraserburgh remains captivated by the enigmatic man who claims to have unlocked the secrets of eternal fish freshness.

12/05/2023

It's getting oot o hand in the Broch.

17/03/2023

STREETS HINNA BEEN CLEANER SINCE SMOKING PRICE RISE SAYS LOCALS
By Reporter

Folk across the north-east hiv the day delighted in jist how bonnie and clean their pavements are for the first time in years.

The government announced a packet of smokes wid go up in price fae midnight ti aboot £15, and as a result naebody can really afford ti baith heat their hoose and tak up the expensive hobby o smoking.

Noo, it's nae just local "characters" that are picking up stray tabbies fae ootside o the shops. Abidy is at it, and they're leaving clean pavements in their wake.

Maureen Phillips, fae the Broch, said: "Av nivver seen the Broadgate looking sae good. Richt enough, it's a shame ers so mony folk on their hands and knees fighting ower a half-smoked Marlboro but at least it'll get picked up."

David James, fae Peterheid, added: "The cooncil shid of announced a price rise on bandstands, mibbe somebody wid have teen at aff oor hands ina."

V**e smoked Skyler Reed, also fae Peterheid, wis less than happy we how the situation is panning oot.

"First they came for oor tibacca and abidy lauged," he telt us between blawing oot massive puffs of caramel flavoured smoke.

"Bit fit will folk dee fan they come for oor mooth fedoras? Va**ng is ma constitutional richt and I winna gie up ma cola flavour v**e juice for naebody."