Curly Linguist Content

06/12/2025

Me: I’ll just have a couple drinks

Also me, 3 hours later: ‘Do you guys do walk-ins?’

Anyway here’s the tattoo

06/12/2025

Sometimes you just have to get a rand tattoo

04/12/2025

𝗕𝗼𝗼’𝘀 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗺𝗲𝗿𝗿𝘆, 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗺𝗮𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿🎄
(𝘈 𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘦𝘮)

‘Twas the morning of Christmas (well… nearly, at least),
…and Boo was on nonsense mode, inner demon released

A pink Christmas tree he decided to attack
As it sparkled and shimmered like Barbie on crack

A plastic wonder, of glitter and fakery
And Boo thought, “A snack!” a glittery bakery

One chomp of a snowflake… then it began
He snorted the glitter like some festive madman

He sneezed like a trumpet, he wheezed like a flute
Then panicked, and promptly wee’d all down my suit

Off to the vets we zoomed in a hurry,
And I now smelt like I'd bathed in a piss-scented curry

“He’s fine, just glitter shoved right up his nose hole,”
£60 for the vet to tell me my dog has the IQ of a bread roll

We left in defeat… but the universe said, “Wait”
My car chose that moment to disintegrate

To the mechanic we stumbled, my dignity dead
Boo sneezing sparkles, me wishing I’d stayed in bed

Then I walked home in rain like a tragic rom-com
Mascara down cheeks, dignity long gone

Now I’m home, dripping wet, questioning if I’m cursed
It’s not even half nine, and today is already the worst

At least Boo’s alive, the tree still looks divine

And if Santa is watching… he owes me some wine 🍷

02/12/2025

Get up

30/11/2025

Every December I’m reminded why parents age like bananas left in a hot car

Because this tiny little plastic pèrveŕt expects the nightly kind of physical contact I wouldn’t give a man I actually LIKE

𝗦𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝟭: Move the elf
(He stares at you like he wants you to pick him up... It’s unsettling)

𝗦𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝟮: Whisper-swear aggressively

𝗦𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝟯: Question why you’re being manipulated by an 8-inch toy with the sexual energy of a man who says "𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘶𝘱?” at 3am

𝗦𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝟰: Put him somewhere “magical,” even though we all know he’s just going to sit there with that smug little face like “𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘩, 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘸"

-----------

The only diçk in a box around here is this little creep when I shove him back in storage on January 1st

P.S. if you dont get the Lonely Island reference we can't be friends

21/11/2025

It’s that time of year again

The flu is going around

Germs are fast, and everyone’s suddenly pretending they definitely wash their hands properly

So here’s your friendly reminder:

𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗮 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝗼𝗮𝗽 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗳𝗹𝘂 𝗴𝗲𝗿𝗺𝘀

Just a little squeeze
A modest pump

No need to go overboard or empty the whole bottle in a moment of… enthusiasm

What matters is technique

You’ve got to get it warm, work it between your hands, really get into all the nooks and crannies

Fast, frantic scrubbing rarely gets the job done

Steady, deliberate motion is far more effective

And please, for the love of public health:

Don’t forget the underside
Don’t ignore the tip
Don’t pretend the back doesn’t exist

Flu germs hide everywhere

𝗢𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗶𝗽𝘀:

💦𝗖𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵
Preferably with something protective

Nobody wants unexpected spray all over them... we’re trying to prevent infections, not create new ones

👊𝗞𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗻
You never know what you’ve touched,
what’s touched you,
or what’s touched that person who touched the thing you just touched

💦𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗵𝘆𝗱𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱
You want your immune system standing tall, not… wilting under pressure

And if you do start feeling under the weather

Stay home, rest, and avoid close contact

Not everyone wants something that’s spreading itself around the whole town

Stay safe this season
Stay healthy

And remember:

A little soap goes a long, long way…
Even if some people insist otherwise

15/11/2025

FUN FACT

Your stomach acid is strong enough to dissolve razor blades

Thankfully your stomach lining regenerates faster than your will to live

Have a good evening

K, fanks

Bye

11/11/2025

Ghetto Barbie Nugget Stabber 4000s™

11/11/2025

10/11/2025

What do you exist off?

I think my body is 80% caffeine, 15% sarcasm, and 5% disappointment that Huel still tastes like wet chalk no matter how many flavours they invent

(Although I will die defending the Blueberry one... She’s the only reason I’m still here)

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐚𝐲:

Huel, and a Gr***de bar... specifically the only one in the entire lineup that doesn’t taste like playdoh...
𝑭𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒂𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒆

By lunchtime I’ve usually moved on to beef Hula Hoops and Cheetos

A balanced diet, if you’re balancing on the edge of a breakdown

𝑫𝒊𝒆𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒂𝒃𝒔𝒐𝒍𝒖𝒕𝒆 𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒆𝒏𝒔

And by queens, I mean the dying medieval ones

The ones with lead in their foundation, mercury in their eyeliner, and a faint cough everyone politely ignored until they just... stopped showing up to court

At least they looked radiant while slowly poisoning themselves

Same, babe. Same

Sometimes I look at my desk and realise my entire day’s nutrition could be confiscated by a PE teacher

And yet here I am
Thriving

(If thriving means jittery, under-hydrated, and slightly feral)

𝑺𝒐 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘:

💀 What’s your “technically food” routine?

💀 What cursed combination keeps you alive just enough to keep working?

💀 And what would your diet say about your era if archaeologists dug you up in 300 years?

Because mine’s definitely going to say:

“𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥... 𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘯 𝘓𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘥𝘐𝘯”

25/10/2025