The Preston News Netwok

12/11/2025

Ashton better than Fulwood for M**Fs
In a surprise change of fortune, Aston has topped this year’s Preston & District M**F league table.

Residents of Fulwood, whose M**F’s had topped the league for a record breaking six consecutive years, are said to be bitterly disappointed.

“I’m not surprised though, to be honest,” One Fulwood local told us. “I think the M**F’s around here have got a little complacent. You know, let themselves go a bit. I’ve seen more than a few just popping out without the full slap on, letting the tan fade, or driving around without the top down on their white Mercedes convertibles.”

M**F experts had been hinting that Ashton could do better this year because of the new Sainsbury’s Local in the village, as everyone knows you get a higher standard of M**F in Sainsbury’s organic fruit and veg section than those in Spar’s frozen fish fingers aisle.

Unfortunately, Moor Nook came bottom of the league for the fifth year in a row, as points were deducted for M**F’s popping to Bargain Booze for f**s in their dressing gown and slippers.

12/11/2025

Starmer Launches Crackdown on Bald Men with Ponytails — Preston Declared “Hotspot of Hair Crimes”

Prime Minister Keir Starmer has announced a nationwide crackdown on bald men with ponytails, calling the look “a crime against follicles and common sense.” Preston, Lancashire has been named the “epicentre of the epidemic.”

Police have been ordered to stop anyone with “more scalp than hair” attempting to secure the back strands with an elastic band. Offenders will be fined and given a voucher for a proper haircut.

A Downing Street source said Starmer was pushed over the edge after spotting a man in a leather waistcoat “with a ponytail clinging on for dear life” outside a Greggs.

Local man Gaz Melling vowed to fight back: “They can take my hair, but they’ll never take my rubber band.”

Authorities remain on high alert after reports of a secret “Ponytail Resistance” forming somewhere near Deepdale Retail Park.

10/11/2025

07/11/2025

The lovely Georgia ready to paint P town red

05/11/2025

Preston before health & safety

04/11/2025

A Preston woman was left “gobsmacked” after discovering what she claims is the image of football legend Tom Finney on her morning toast.
Sandra Wrigley of Tower Lane, said she was “just making a brew” when the slice popped up showing the famous splash tackle. “I nearly spread marg on Sir Tom,” she confessed.
Experts remain divided — some say it’s divine intervention, others say it’s just a well-timed toaster malfunction.
Meanwhile, Sandra’s put the toast on display in her window. Locals have already started calling it “The Deepdale Miracle.”

02/11/2025

We Reviewed Arkrights Pub,
In the heart of Preston, tucked between chippies and a kebab shop that never closes, stands Arkwrights — the sort of pub that doesn’t need a sign. Everyone already knows where it is, and most people know to stay well clear.
Locals call it Preston’s roughest pub, but that’s putting it politely. The door’s been kicked in so many times it now opens both ways, and the jukebox only plays two songs — “Sweet Caroline” and the sound of someone getting launched into the fruit machine.
Step inside, and you’ll be greeted by Gaz behind the bar, a man who’s been “temporarily banned” more times than anyone else in town. If you ask for a pint, he’ll pour it with one hand and crack open a fresh pack of plasters with the other. “You want a pint or a pint and a fight?” he’ll ask, as though it’s part of the menu.
Most nights, you’ll find Big Les holding court in the corner, bragging about how he once knocked himself out shadowboxing, while Tracey the darts queen yells at the TV because someone on EastEnders looked at her funny.
And yet… somehow, there’s a strange charm about the place. The regulars might threaten to glass each other over the pool table, but if a stranger walks in and starts trouble, the whole pub unites like it’s Preston’s own version of the Avengers.
By last orders, everyone’s friends again — or unconscious. As the lights flicker off and the final chorus of “Sweet Caroline” fades into the night, Gaz wipes the bar and grins:
“Same time tomorrow, lads. Pint or fight — your choice.”

30/10/2025

“CAT-astrophe at Our Lady’s High”

Parents of Our Lady’s High School in Fulwood were left scratching their heads this week after a 14-year-old student, who identifies as a cat, was reportedly given her very own litter tray.

The girl, known to her classmates as Whiskers, began insisting on being addressed only by meows at the start of the term. According to one pupil, “She’s actually really good at it. If you say ‘Here, kitty kitty,’ she’ll turn up quicker than the Year 10s at Greggs.”

Teachers initially tried to ignore the behaviour, but matters escalated when Whiskers refused to use the regular toilets, declaring them “unnatural for a feline of status.” After several meetings, the school allegedly set up a “Private Reflection Area” that now suspiciously smells like lavender disinfectant and tuna.

Headteacher Mrs. Doolan stated, “We pride ourselves on being inclusive. If a student believes they are a cat, we will support that belief—within reason. Though we do draw the line at chasing the caretaker’s laser pointer.”

Meanwhile, other students have begun testing the boundaries of identity expression. One boy has announced he identifies as a microwave and refuses to do P.E. because he might “overheat.”

Local parent Simon Tibbles said, “When I was at school, the weirdest thing anyone did was wear eyeliner and call it art. Now they’re installing litter trays. What’s next—scratching posts in the common room?”

In response to media attention, Whiskers herself issued a brief statement (translated from meow):

“I just want to be accepted for who I am. Also, can someone bring Dreamies to tutor group?”

The school has since confirmed that the litter tray will be relocated outdoors “for hygiene reasons” and that all future identity declarations must be submitted “in writing

26/10/2025

anyone remember ??

20/10/2025

The search is on to find Preston’s best-looking bin men for our upcoming charity calendar! 🚛💪
If you are — or know — a bin man who deserves the spotlight, tag them below and share this post.
Let’s see those sexy bin men of Preston!

30/07/2025

Do you have any friends that look like him tag him her here