08/07/2025
PRESTON CHIP WARS: CHIPPY BOSSES TO FIGHT FOR TITLE OF “HARDEST FRYER”
By Battered Correspondent, Crisp E. Codpiece
Tuesday, July 8th, 2025
PRESTON — Tensions are boiling over in the fryer trays of Preston this week as the town’s most iconic chip shop owners prepare to batter each other in a no-holds-barred showdown to determine, once and for all, who is the Hardest Chippy Boss in Preston.
The event, dubbed “Chip Wars: Fryday Night Smackdown”, will take place in Avenham Park this weekend, with buckets of salt, vinegar, and unlicensed curry sauce expected to be spilled.
The Contenders:
Umberto Fredianni, the self-styled “Godfather of Grease,” is entering the ring armed with nothing but a potato peeler and 60 years of generational fish-frying rage. “My haddock’s harder than their faces,” he growled, flexing a tattoo of a battered sausage.
King Kod, real name Kodi Patel, has been training by bench-pressing boxes of frozen scampi. “They call me royalty for a reason,” he said. “I deep-fry dreams... and occasionally my own hand.”
Bill & Ben, Preston’s most feared twin chippy duo, are fighting as a tag team. Local legend has it they once knocked a microwave out cold for “looking at them funny.” Their slogan? “Two lads, one fryer, no mercy.”
Savick Chippy’s mysterious owner, known only as “Daz the Fillet,” hasn’t spoken publicly in 14 years but reportedly communicates via aggressive seagull noises and cryptic grease stains.
Nobbletts, run by ex-boxer “Knuckles” Nobblett, claims to have invented the deep-fried Mars bar during a bar fight. He says: “I don’t use batter. I use vengeance.”
West End Chippy, known for its steel counter and steelier attitude, is entering with local enforcer “Steve The Greek,” who once threw a customer through a window for asking for “just chips, no salt.”
And finally, Queen Vic, the reigning queen of Friargate, known for her glamorous beehive and brutal headlocks. “I’ll dip ‘em in mushy peas and mash ‘em,” she promised, while sharpening a fish slice with menace.
The Rules:
The fight will be refereed by a confused bloke from Preston Markets who thought he was signing up for a pub quiz.
Local Reaction:
Locals are divided. Some are backing Fredianni, citing his granite knuckles and cod-based insults. Others say Queen Vic is a “dead cert” after she flattened a Deliveroo driver with a pickled egg last month.
Council officials have attempted to ban the event, but were quickly silenced with a family-sized portion of chips and threats of “extreme vinegaring.”
Odds (from Paddy Fryers):
Umberto Fredianni – 5/1
King Kod – 3/1
Bill & Ben – 2/1
Savick Chippy – ??? (Too mysterious to price)
Nobbletts – 4/1
West End Chippy – 6/1
Queen Vic – 7/2 and rising
Grand Prize:
The winner will receive the Golden Chip Fork, a year’s supply of crispy scraps, and the right to rename Preston Bus Station “The Battered Terminal.”
UPDATE: Rumours suggest a rogue contender from Leyland might enter last minute. Fears of regional chip-based warfare are growing.
Stay tuned. It’s going to be a frying pan fight for the ages.
