The Rainford Times

09/08/2025

Happy Saturday Rainford!

I've been out and about interviewing Rainford residents about what really matters.

Feel free to tag yourselves in

Stay between the lines Rainford.

Wherever you are

12/07/2025

Its too hot to be creative, so here's a little trip down the Times memory lane.

My fridge is stocked (with alcohol) thanks to The Local Rainford and a bit of salad from co op.
Im not moving from the garden this weekend.

Im looking forward to the seasonal aromas of BBQs and Marajuana wafting across the gardens.



Also, don't be a di****ad and decide to take your dog for a walk this afternoon.
Any dogwalkers will be greeted with a high five in the face, with a deckchair.

Stay hot Rainford , wherever you are.

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/19R7FLvzT7/

Feeling Hot! Hot! Hot!

What a scorcher!
The Tarmac is melting beneath our feet,
The cider is opened by 9am,
The hot tubs are stagnant,
Bras are off
Shirts are opened
And un**es are loose fit.
Tattoos have been replaced with varicose veins that make the Danube look like a piddling stream.
Bingo wings are gently flapping in the warm breeze.
And thick crusty toenails are scraping along the pavements peeping over the top of battered old sandals.
It's summer in Rainford!!

I was going to go along the lines of the great Harper Lee in describing a summer's day in Rainford. You know, men's stiff collars wilted by nine, ladies bathed before noon, after their three -o'clock naps, and by nightfall were like soft teacakes with frostings of sweat and sweet talcum.
But this ain't no Maycomb county.

There was a nasty incident outside REDS this morning when old Albert Slacksack of Festival Road tripped over his sc***um whilst collecting his sausage barm. He slowly and gingerly made his way home by tucking it away in his socks for extra safety.
"It's a good job I'm wearing these knee high white socks with my jesus boots" he told an onlooker. "I've had these since Gallipoli " he added.

Old Beryl Batterbanger could be seen pushing her trolley the wrong way up the one way ailse in the co op with an unusual load in front of her.
She was using the trolley to push her bo***es.
Since the staff at Camel Laird's were furloughed she's found it hard to find a comfortable bra for this kind of weather.
She was told by a helpful staff member to keep the quid for the trolley.

Will Smith eat your heart out.

It's summertime

Stay safe Rainford
Stay alert
And stay concealed!
Wherever you are

12/07/2025

Suns out, bums out

05/07/2025

Bang and Blame.

Happy weekend Rainford,

I've been quiet for a while, I know.

I've not been able to think straight for all this incessant banging.
I was going to be reactive and quite angry in my post about this issue.
But experience has taught me to be more pragmatic. And I couldn't be arsed with the flippant "don't live in the countryside then" remarks.

So here's my take, agree, disagree, I dont really care to be honest.

Here we go

4.30 am isn't a reasonable time to causing a noise issue,
Neither is after 9pm.

There are no laws per se, but they should not sound more than 4 times per hour.
Rainford sounds like Bonnie Blues headboard
from just before first light until after dark.
So that has definitely gone for a burton.

My personal issue, is that my beautiful little fluffy idiot of a dog is obviously Siegfreed Sassoon reincarnated, and has for the past few months flatly refused to walk every time he hears the frequent bangs.

Are we all shell shocked?
Do bird scarers actually work?
Can farmers be arsed to synchronise their noisey archaic contraptions?

Mud on the roads, muck spreading in the air, all evocative and tolerable parts of rural life.

A Dresden reenactment for 20 hours a day isn't one of them.

So yeah, it's not f@ #£ing on and I will stand my ground with my snazzy ear defenders to anyone who can tell me the farmers arent pushing their luck.

Thats my say on the matter, and happy to discuss
........

Finally,
I would like to pay tribute to a long time supporter of The Rainford Times, and a very good friend of mine.
Its hard to put into words, and I am fluffing my lines as I clumsily type this.

Martin F was a beautiful person.
Not a bad bone in his body, he was funny, unique, soft, daft, clever, caring, loyal and kind.
I had my last pint with him the night before he was tragically taken from us.
His girls were incredible and dignified when we all said goodbye to him.
Rainfords premier watering hole won't be the same without you mate.
I miss you. We miss you.

29/06/2025

Happy "Flying Ant Day 2025" Rainford

Wherever you are

01/06/2025

This is NOT a paid advertisement, although I do get first dibs on the monkey bars

The Golden Lion, a much-loved community pub nestled in the heart of Rainford, is thrilled to announce the launch of a brand-new children’s play area in our spacious pub garden, set to open this summer.
Designed with fun, safety, and family time in mind, the new play area will be the perfect addition for local families looking to enjoy sunny days out. Whether you're popping in for a relaxing meal, a refreshing drink, or just some quality time with loved ones, children will now have their own special space to play, explore, and make memories.
“We're so excited to bring this new feature to The Golden Lion,” said Michaela Cave, General Manager at The Golden Lion. “As a family-friendly pub, we’re always looking for ways to make our space more welcoming and enjoyable for everyone. The new play area is just one of the ways we’re investing in our community and creating a place where families can truly feel at home.”
The play area will be free to use for all customers and will include a range of fun and safe equipment suitable for young children. It’s part of The Golden Lion’s ongoing commitment to being a vibrant hub for the local community, offering great food, a relaxed atmosphere, and something for everyone—now including the little ones.
Stay tuned to our social media channels and website for updates, sneak peeks, and an official launch date later this summer.
For media enquiries, please contact:

Shelly Kennedy
[email protected]
03332348130
www.thegoldenlionrainford.co.uk

01/06/2025

01/06/2025

Honoured to be a part of this amazing group today as we climbed Snowden in tribute to Jasmine MacArthur ❤️

Jasmine worked just next to us at Reds Cafe, but tragically passed away unexpectedly in March.

The climb was done in memory of Jasmine and to raise funds and awareness for SUDEP Action which aspires to stop preventable deaths from epilepsy

Tough day. Terrible weather at the top. A lot of tired legs but all for a good cause and proud to play our part ❤️

08/05/2025

BREAKING NEWS!

I can exclusively reveal the first photo of the infamous Squirrel trapper of Rainford.

Mr S Nutkins of Drey Avenue has told the Times in a world exclusive interview that he "couldn't give a flying f**k about grey squirrels".
He furiously added "they came over here illegally, took over our trees and parks, stealing our acorns and spreading disease which almost wiped out our population".

He continued "I don't care how many generations of them they've been here, fact is , the UK is our land, and I will protect it how I see fit, and anyone feeling sorry for those grey s**ts , how about if someone came into your town spreading a deadly disease, would you be as tolerant and liberal?"

So there we have it Rainford.

Grey Squirrels are t***s

Stay offended Rainford

Wherever you are

30/04/2025

I hope those fridges are on full whack The Local Rainford

I've worked up a right thirst today.

Plus 27⁰C in Platt Bridge produces sights that only copious amounts of alcohol can begin to erase .

29/04/2025

By popular demand.......

If ever there was a metaphor for Rainfords social media content, last night was it.

Hot air everywhere!

After centuries of taking the p**s out of Billingers for pointing at the sky in awe and wonder every 5 minutes, hundreds , if not thousands of Rainfordians awoke this morning with a crick in their neck and cramp in their index finger.

Rumours floated around regarding the intentions of the spectacular visitor to our skies.

"Looking for signals from illegal dodgy boxes?"

"A promo video of the new housing estate a la Barratts of 1980s"

"A novel farming method of fertilising"

"Government officials trying to block out the sun by creating a huge shadow over the village"

My particular favourite was a celebratory hot air balloon flight organised by LFC for all 10 of their season ticket holders with an "L" postcode.

This morning many Rainfordians were regretting taking to the streets with their eyes pointing skywards, as they have now discovered they walked dog s**t all through their living room shagpiles when they got back in last night.

That will teach them to be so easily occupied.

As you were Rainford

Wherever you are

27/04/2025

Happy Sunday Rainford