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Satire for a post satire World. The World's Worst Local Newspaper. Any resemblance to real persons or actual events is accidental and coincidental.
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09/11/2025

Wife isn't hungry, but will eat half your pizza

In a shocking development late Friday evening, local husband Steve Dickinson (48 and a half) discovered that his wife, Barbara (44), who had earlier announced she “wasn’t really hungry,” consumed approximately 50 percent of his pizza.

Witnesses confirm that Barbara declined Dickinson’s offer to order her own meal, confidently stating, “I’ll just have a bite of yours.” That bite quickly evolved into a sustained, coordinated campaign lasting the entirety of the meal.

“I didn’t think she wanted any,” said Steve, staring down at the remaining crusts. “She even said she was full from lunch. Then she spotted the box and suddenly became a full-fledged predator.”

Sources close to the couple report that Barbara began with a small nibble near the edge, citing crust curiosity, before progressing to full slices under the pretence of “evening out the sides.” By the halfway point, Steve had been demoted to passive observer status.

When asked for comment, Barbara defended her actions: “I wasn’t hungry for pizza of my own, just his. His pizza always looks better. It’s a psychological thing.”

Experts warn that the incident represents part of a growing domestic trend known as “Just-a-Bite Syndrome,” affecting thousands of relationships nationwide. Symptoms include selective appetite, disproportionate ownership claims, and the phrase “why are you being so dramatic?”

At press time, Dickinson was reportedly hiding chips in his bed side drawer, “just in case she’s not hungry again tonight.”

09/11/2025

Entire UK Prison Budget to Be Spent on Revolving Doors

In a bold move to “modernise” the country’s correctional system, government ministers today announced that the entire UK prison budget for 2026 will be redirected toward the installation of industrial-grade revolving doors in all major prisons.

“Look, with people coming and going at this rate, it just makes sense to embrace the natural flow,” explained Home Secretary Grant Comings, standing beside a prototype door spinning at worryingly high velocity. “Paperwork is slow, staff are stretched, our courts are overloaded, and frankly, the doors themselves do more work than most prison governors at this point.”

The Ministry of Justice’s cost-benefit analysis showed that buying enough revolving doors to outfit every cell would, at the very least, create the illusion of competence. “No more awkward pauses at the gate,” boasts the press release. “By the time a prisoner’s release is spotted as a mistake, they’ll be halfway ‘round for their next stint.”

Critics warn that the plan diverts much-needed funds from rehabilitation programmes, mental health services, and actual locks. “We’ve repeatedly told officials you can’t run a modern justice system on door hinges alone,” said union leader Phillippa Knockes, before being abruptly ejected from the press conference by the revolving door behind her.

Meanwhile, back at Wandsworth Prison, staff were spotted training recently released inmates on proper revolving door etiquette in anticipation of their prompt return.

Asked if the new revolving system might reduce absconding rates, the Justice Secretary replied, “Oh, they’ll leave. But with these doors, at least there’s a 50-50 shot they’re straight back inside by teatime.”

The Ministry’s statement concluded, “Our prisons are, and always will be, open institutions. Now, very literally.”

08/11/2025

Tesla Unveils New Jim Crow Works Special

Tesla CEO and hobbit-metaphor enthusiast Elon Musk today unveiled his company’s new ethnostate-of-the-art range of electric cars — the Jim Crow Works Special.

Fitted with highly sensitive Race Detection Technology, the Jim Crow Works Special can only be activated by Caucasians.

At a press launch, Musk explained,

“The sensors are equipped with precision blood diamonds and can trace melanin with 99.9% accuracy. Anyone attempting to operate the vehicle beyond the acceptable melanin level (AML) will be ejected to the back seat. From there, the inbuilt Grok AI will alert the nearest safe driver, with an option to contact the authorities.”

Among other innovations, the Jim Crow Works Special boasts a MasterRace setting, allowing acceleration from 0–88 mph in record time.

Conventional indicators have been replaced with external units displaying the classic “my heart goes out to you” gesture popularised by Musk.

Development reportedly faced major issues. A leaked internal memo revealed steering problems causing the cars to continuously veer to the right.

The Jim Crow Works Special’s price is unconfirmed but expected to be around $8 squillion in stupid memecoins.

Early reviewers have praised the car’s “bold commitment to going backwards,” with one noting, “It’s the first vehicle that truly captures the spirit of apartheid — and the handling of a shopping trolley.”

08/11/2025

Rowling and Linehan Announce New Musical: Les Misgenderables

In what critics are calling “the most ambitious cry for help ever set to music,” JK Rowling and Graham Linehan have teamed up for a new West End musical, Les Misgenderables — a three-hour exploration of persecution, projection, and poor rhyme schemes.

Producers describe it as “a stirring tale of two former national treasures united by grievance, misunderstood tweets, and zero self-awareness.”

“It’s a story of bravery in the face of mild criticism,” said Rowling, “of two people who dared to ask questions, then spent five years answering them themselves.”

Set in a dystopian Britain where “free speech” has allegedly been outlawed (but still monetised through podcasts), Les Misgenderables follows two cultural martyrs struggling to survive in a world that keeps letting them talk.

Rowling stars as Jean Twitterjean, a novelist imprisoned in the Court of Public Opinion, while Linehan plays Inspector Blogvert, a one-man police force determined to arrest nuance.

Musical highlights include:

I Dreamed a Tweet — a haunting ballad about posting through the pain.

Do You Hear the People Mute? — an anthem of selective free speech.

One Tweet More — a 14-minute finale, repeated nightly until closing arguments.

On My Phone — Linehan laments his lost friends, career, and broadband signal.

Critics have described the show as “Les Mis meets a Telegraph comment section,” noting that “every number ends with a standing ovation from the cast, because nobody else will give them one.”

Audiences were reportedly “confused but polite.”
“It’s nice to see them working again,” said one attendee. “I just wish it wasn’t this.”

A sequel, The Sound of Muting, is already in development, featuring songs like My Favourite Slurs and Climb Ev’ry Platform. Producers promise it will be “a celebration of freedom, victimhood, and very poor self-awareness.”

07/11/2025

James Webb Telescope Identifies Intelligent Life on Mars Protesting to ‘Stop the Small Rockets’

MARS — The James Webb Space Telescope has captured extraordinary images of a group of wool‑covered Martian beings staging a furious demonstration outside their crater village, demanding “stronger borders” and chanting “Stop the Small Rockets.”

The protesters, believed to be Clangers, were seen waving what appears to be a joint US & USSR flag covered in soup stains while holding aloft signs reading “Mars First,” “Take Back Control (of the Upper Atmosphere),” and “No More Earth Billionaires.” Eyewitness analysis suggests the movement has been sparked by the arrival of what locals call “foreign tech magnate Elon M.,” who landed a Tesla‑branded escape pod near Soup Lake.

“We’re not against immigration,” one Clanger spokesperson explained via cosmic flute translation, “we just think they should come the right way — through proper channels, not blasting in on fancy rockets and buying up crater real estate.”

President Donald Trump applauded the Martians as “hardworking, traditional folks who just want safe neighbourhoods and smaller government,” before announcing plans to “build the most beautiful, classy golf course in the entire solar system — right there on Mars, it’s going to be incredible, the best dunes, the reddest sand, people are already calling it a masterpiece.” He went on to add, “These Clangers, they love me. They said, ‘Sir, thank you for protecting our craters from Elon.’ They really did — very respectful aliens.”

Elon Musk responded on X, accusing the Clangers of “xenophobia disguised as nostalgia” and claiming his presence would “boost the local soup economy by at least 12%.” He later added that his new venture, MuskDome, would create “sustainable community bubbles powered entirely by free speech.”

Downing Street released a statement purportedly from Prime Minister Keir Starmer, reading:

“This government is absolutely clear that while it remains essential to respect planetary autonomy, we must also ensure that our shared frameworks for cosmic cooperation continue to deliver outcomes that are ambitious, inclusive, and mutually respectful in the context of ongoing rocket activity. We are, and will remain, fully committed to listening constructively to all sides as part of a process that prioritises pragmatic empathy.”

Officials later confirmed that neither the Prime Minister nor anyone in government had yet formed an actual opinion.

Meanwhile, one Clanger was overheard muttering, “They come up ‘ere with their shiny spaceships, their flamethrowers, and their reusable boosters, and before you know it, your crater’s gentrified and the soup’s ten credits a bowl.”

06/11/2025

BBC launch gritty rebrand of struggling shows

Facing a decline in viewing figures and increasing pressure to scrap the licence fee, the BBC today has announced a dramatic change to their schedule.

The plan aims to take a number of shows with consistently low ratings and transform them into “grittier” programmes which “better reflect the current mood in Britain.”

Amongst the shows announced were:

Great British Railway Stabbings with Michael Portillo - a relaxing journey across the country exploring our most picturesque shanking hotspots.

MasterRace - Gregg Wallace and John Torode judge hopeful contests by their phrenology to find out whose haplogroup is superior.

Bargain Hunt: Black Market - Pairs of contestants partnered with convicted drug dealers search crack dens for the best deal.

Race Across The Channel - Teams of migrants compete in a small boat race in hopes of winning asylum.

Planet Earth 4 - Five, two hour long shows showing David Attenborough looking at an image of planet Earth and quietly weeping.

Songs of Rage - From racist football chants to drill. An exploration into songs that divide our nation.

Doctor Who on Strike - The Doctor’s latest regeneration sees him joining a union and demanding better pay and working conditions.

Bonnie Blue Peter - Adults only twist on the beloved children’s classic. Learn how to make Tracy Island from someone with exposed ge****ls

In addition to the rebranding, the BBC also announced it will begin weekly broadcasts of heartwarming 80s classic, Threads, in the hope of lightening the national mood.

05/11/2025

Burnley Market Christmas Ad to feature family smoking spice after Christmas dinner

BURNLEY, UK — In a bold move to rival John Lewis’s emotionally manipulative Christmas commercials, Burnley Market announced that this year’s festive ad will feature a Burnley family quietly decompressing after Christmas dinner by lighting up a communal spice pipe.

According to sources close to the low-budget production, the two-minute spot will open with a heartwarming montage of the family sharing turkey, before cutting to a shadowy living room where dad sighs, “It’s been a long year, eh?” Moments later, grandma sparks up, and the tagline “Make this Christmas your own” fades across the screen.

“We wanted to capture something truly real,” said Burnley Council’s marketing director, Claire Dimsdale. “John Lewis gives you flying dragons and magical friendship. We give you Barry from Burnley hallucinating that the fairy lights are whispering secrets.”

Critics are already calling the ad “a gritty masterpiece” and “the Trainspotting of Christmas.” The soundtrack, performed by a haunting children’s choir, will feature an emotionally devastating rendition of an unspecified 1980s pop hit that’s guaranteed to make Twitter sob.

Local residents are proud to see Burnley finally represented on national television. “It’s nice that Burnley Market didn’t go posh,” said one viewer interviewed outside the town’s retail park. “That’s real family bonding, none of that snowman-hugging nonsense.”

When asked if the company feared backlash, Burnley Market’s spokesperson shrugged. “Look, it’s 2025. People want authenticity. And besides, our 12-pound holiday meal deal is still unbeatable value.”

The ad is set to air nationwide next week, just after Homes under the Hammer and immediately after a gambling commercial.

05/11/2025

In celebration of first New York Muslim mayor, Saudi Arabia gifts Statue of Liberty enormous Burqa

New York—In an unexpected gesture of international “solidarity and style,” officials from Saudi Arabia announced today that the venerable Statue of Liberty will soon don the world’s largest burqa, courtesy of the Kingdom’s Ministry of Celebratory Coverings.

The announcement follows the historic election of New York’s first Muslim mayor, Zohran Mamdani, whose understated campaign slogan, “Yes, I Actually Know How the Subway Works,” is being credited for his decisive win. In a lavish press conference, Saudi officials said the “Burqa of Liberty” would symbolize “respect, modesty, and universal confusion.”

“This is a proud moment for New York and Islamic textile manufacturing alike,” declared Abdulrahman Al-Silks, Saudi Arabia’s Minister of Over-the-Top Gifts. “We wanted to do something magnificent, memorable, and—let’s be honest—just big enough to block the view of New Jersey. Liberty looks much prettier in forty tons of navy blue chiffon.”

Despite mixed reactions from city residents, Mayor Mamdami expressed diplomatic gratitude. “I appreciate the gesture and hope Lady Liberty enjoys her new winter look,” he said, while sidestepping questions about plans to add matching accessories to the Empire State Building.

New Yorkers quickly chimed in with their trademark candor. “If this blocks out the tourists, I’m all for it,” said Brooklyn resident Maria Kopeski. “But if the pigeons figure out how to nest in there, we’re doomed.”

US officials are scrambling to address logistical concerns about draping the monument in seven miles of imported fabric and the possible implications for international fashion diplomacy. Meanwhile, Liberty Island gift shops report a surge in sales of miniature burqa-clad figurines, though souvenir apple pies remain “tragically unchanged.”

Sources say the unveiling ceremony is scheduled for next Tuesday, weather permitting—and provided strong winds don’t blow Lady Liberty’s new look into Connecticut.

05/11/2025

Dog owners prepare for annual fireworks whinge

Despite having an entire year to prepare, disgruntled dog owners across the nation are gearing up for a mass whinge on social media.

The deluge is predicted to hit shortly after nightfall with local community Facebook groups expected to be some of the worst effected.

Firework enjoyers have been warned to expect high levels of guilt-tripping and anecdotes regarding quivering canines throughout the evening.

We spoke to local dog owner Moana Lott who whined;

“It’s all just so out of the blue. How are you supposed to know when to put ear muffs on your cockapoo? Maybe if there was a rhyme or something to help you remember the date it wouldn’t be so bad but that’s just wishful thinking.”

Not everyone will be taking part in the annual gripeathon. Rochdale resident Dwayne Mince told us;

“I personally don’t mind the fireworks. You just have to accept there might be the odd turd on the carpet. I mean, I don’t have a dog so it could be worse.”

Firework enthusiasts are unlikely to be deterred by the forecasted grumbling. A statement issued by the Big Sounds Appreciation Society read;

“YEEEAH, BIG WOOSH BOOM! OOOO PRETTY COLOURS! BOOM POP WOW MEGA!”

04/11/2025

Reeves to deliver Budget speech in exaggerated Welsh accent to distract from tax rises

In a move that can only be described as patriotically perplexing, Chancellor Rachel Reeves is reportedly preparing to deliver this year’s Budget speech in a full-on, over-the-top Welsh accent—complete with a stutter, a lisp and possiblyJonathan Ross-style “r→w” substitutions—presumably as a cunning distraction from the tax rises she’s about to unveil.

Insiders close to the Treasury whisper that the accent strategy was chosen with one simple objective: make people so busy trying to follow the delivery that they don’t notice what she’s doing to their wallets. One source (who spoke under the condition of anonymity) said, “If your brain is focused on deciphering ‘My p-p-pwomithes’ and ‘b-b-boyos’, you’ll be less likely to get upset about your wage going down or your milk going up.”

According to the Herald’s source (who shall remain unnamed, but we’re looking at you, Angela Rayner), several accent prototypes were tested—Jamaican patois, bog-standard English drawl, even a pirate-themed version. The regional Welsh version won by a landslide. The Jamaican try was abandoned after HR intervened (“We said ‘mon’ one too many times and someone reported cultural appropriation”), and the pirate version was deemed “too on the nose”.

The Budget itself (scheduled for “this week—or next, depending on how quickly someone finds the teleprompter”) is said to contain the following news in bold print: everything you buy will go up in price and your wages will decrease significantly. But don’t worry: you’ll be so mesmerised by the delivery that by the time you notice you’re paying more for beans and getting less pay, the speech will be over.

In support of the plan, we at The Rochdale Herald have obtained the leaked opening lines of the draft speech (thanks to our heroic, nameless source). Brace yourself:

“H-hello, b-b-b-boyos and llllllladieth. My p-p-pwomithes for the c-c-coming yeaw are as bl-b-bleak and d-d-dark as c-c-coal-face the th-th-the coal faces the Towy pahty clothed down in wecent histowy…”

That’s just the warm-up.

Elsewhere in Treasury corridors, aides are reportedly discussing further theatrics. One official said, “We’re considering a giant hat shaped like a pound sign for the Chancellor to wear, possibly accompanied by an interpretive dance each time the word ‘austerity’ appears on the teleprompter.” The hope: make the real sting of tax rises feel like background noise.

When asked for comment, the Chancellor’s office said only: “The Chancellor is exploring diverse communication strategies to connect with hard-working families. And to ensure they look at the accent, not the tax rise.”

04/11/2025

Dick Cheney Elected Vice-Devil on Arrival in Hell

HADES, Underworld — In a unanimous vote early yesterday, former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney was officially installed as Vice-Devil of Hell, marking the first time in infernal history that a mortal entered the gates and immediately assumed executive office.

Sources say Cheney, whose long career in power-brokering and secrecy reportedly made him “naturally qualified for the job,” arrived in Hell’s reception area exactly at 0:00 local brimstone time and was greeted by the executive committee with a red carpet and a “Welcome Aboard, Number Two” nameplate.

“Frankly, we asked for experience in mis-management, obfuscation, and global strategy,” said Hell’s Senior CEO, Lucifer Morningstar. “Dick checked all the boxes. We looked at several candidates: fallen angels, ancient dictators, but none had the skillset of someone who wrote the playbook for covert operations and still slept soundly at night.”

According to internal memos, Cheney’s first official act was to convene a meeting of the Infernal Cabinet, demanding an audit of souls processed in the last millennium, followed by a directive to privatise one of the Circles “for efficiency gains.” Witnesses report he paused to ask if Hell had any Energy Transfer Partners or Halliburton-style contracts available on the side.

“For too long, Hell has been run by amateurs,” Cheney told assembled demons in his inaugural speech. “It’s time to optimise suffering, streamline the descent, and reduce inefficiencies in eternal damnation.” He then raised a glass labelled “Corporate Synergy” and toasted: “To shock and awe—eternal edition.”

Not everyone is thrilled. A spokesperson for Heaven’s HR department expressed concern that Cheney’s track record “may shift the balance of power upstairs,” although they declined to comment on whether St. Peter was drafting an emergency memo. Meanwhile, local sinners are reportedly excited: “Finally someone who knows what they’re doing,” one damned soul said, “I’ve been here for 427 years and this place was a mess.”

In compliance with tradition, Cheney was given a pitchfork and a title-badge reading “Vice-Devil: Efficiency & Warlocks Division.” His arrival was marked by fireworks and a chorus of tortured wails that, according to Hell’s marketing department, “doubled our social-media impressions.”

When reached for comment, Cheney — appearing composed even in eternal separation from Earth — said: “I may be in Hell, but I’m still running the show. At least here, the signature lines are clear and there’s less interference.” He then winked, adjusted his cufflinks, and headed off to the executive lounge.

Details on Cheney’s next moves remain sealed under a non-disclosure agreement signed in triplicate, but sources confirm the “War on Angels” briefing is scheduled for next Tuesday.

03/11/2025

Rupert Bear in scathing attack on “woke illegal,” Paddington

Fans of veteran cartoon bear, Rupert have expressed concern after an expletive filled video attacking longstanding rival, Paddington was posted online last night.

The 20 minute long video, which has since gone viral, was posted on Rupert’s official X account. In it Mr. Bear addresses the camera directly, appearing increasingly sweaty and erratic while smoking and drinking heavily. Many comments on the since deleted post suggest signs of substance abuse are apparent.

Warning: The following extract of the direct transcript contains language some may find offensive.

“F**k Paddington. F**king piece of s**t, Marmalade Marxist. When did we start caring more about Peruvian migrants than native, white, British bears? He’s a f**king illegal, coming over here, causing all kinds of havoc, ruining our way of life. We should be sending him back to where he came from but no, our f**king woke, lefty media give him f**king movies instead. A musical, f**king dinner with the Queen. I used to be in things. I had a cartoon. Kids loved me. Now nobody gives a f**k about white, conservative bears like me.”

Later in the video, Rupert also takes aim at Winnie the Pooh, calling him “a fat, yellow c**t who should put some f**king trousers on.”

It is unclear yet if any legal action will be taken but The Daily Express are facing increasing pressure to sever all ties with Mr. Bear.

The is not the first controversy for Rupert, having recently been ordered by a court to pay Yogi Bear £90,000 for defamation after he suggested Boo-Boo was groomed as a cub.

Amongst the backlash have been a few notable messages of support. Former actor Laurence Fox shared the video along with the comment, “This is all too familiar! Don’t let them silence you, Rupert.”

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