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The Rochdale Herald is a fabricated satirical newspaper covering real and made up local and world events. The Rochdale Herald invents names in all stories excepting stories where public figures are being satirised. The content of this web-site (graphics, text and other elemen

ts) is © Copyright The Rochdale Herald and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the express written consent of the publisher. The Rochdale Herald is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Parental discretion advised. Should you be aware of any copyright infringement or have any other queries or complaints, please contact us as soon as possible so that we can investigate, and where necessary correct the problem. Please accept our apologies in advance on behalf of any contribution which has offended.

03/01/2026

A serious post for a change.

Over Christmas an old friend took his own life. I hadn’t seen him for almost twenty years and he’d reached out to meet up last year but life got in the way and I couldn’t.

He wasn’t a friend I was worried about. Good job, a lovely wife, two beautiful daughters.

I’ve learned a difficult lesson, one I certainly don’t ever want to repeat.

Please do take a moment to reach out to old friends and check in on them.

If you are struggling please reach out to somebody, anybody and talk about it. Life is hard, but it will pass if you give it time.

Please give it time.

We love you.

03/01/2026

Machine Guns Unacceptable in Venezuela but Totally Fine in American Classrooms, Insists White House

WASHINGTON — Members of the Republican Party have today reiterated their firm belief that machine guns represent an intolerable threat when held by foreign governments, while remaining an unfortunate but entirely unavoidable feature of everyday life in American schools.

Speaking at what was described as a “serious national security briefing” but appeared to local observers to be several men arguing behind podiums, Republican officials condemned the presence of heavy weaponry in Venezuela as “deeply alarming” and “a danger to innocent lives”.

When asked why the same concern does not extend to repeated mass shootings in U.S. classrooms, a spokesperson explained that the two situations were “completely different” before declining to elaborate further and thanking reporters for their time.

“The issue in Venezuela is very clear,” said one lawmaker. “Those are their machine guns. Ours are about freedom, constitutional tradition, and not upsetting donors.”

Back home, American parents were reassured that while nothing could reasonably be done to prevent gun violence in schools, the government was working tirelessly to ensure foreign leaders did not possess similar weapons without proper U.S. approval.

At time of going to press, Republicans were said to be drafting further legislation condemning violence abroad, while urging teachers domestically to “remain vigilant” and consider purchasing reinforced doors, body armour, and emergency trauma kits.

Meanwhile, officials stressed that any suggestion of hypocrisy was “deeply unhelpful” and “exactly the sort of thing you’d expect from the media.”

01/01/2026

Absolute Weirdos Go for Walk Without a Dog

ROCHDALE — Residents have raised serious concerns after a growing number of people were spotted walking around the town without dogs, prompting fears that those involved may be, at the very least, not wired correctly.

Dog walkers — widely regarded as the only people with a legitimate reason to be outside — say encounters with dogless walkers are “terrifying” and “psychologically aggressive.”

“They don’t look at the dog,” said one shaken local. “They look at you. That’s not normal behaviour.”

Witnesses describe the individuals as moving with purpose, hands free, eyes forward, and showing no interest in sniffing spots, lamp posts, or discarded chicken bones — behaviour experts say is “a major red flag.”

“I don’t want to say they’re psychopaths,” said another resident, lowering their voice, “but I’ve never known a normal person to go for a walk just to… walk.”

Several dog owners reported tightening their leads and crossing the road when approached by dogless walkers, citing an “unnatural confidence” and a lack of visible joy.

“It’s the calmness that gets you,” said Darren, 41. “No dog, no phone call, no reason. Just thoughts. Who needs that many thoughts?”

Rochdale Council confirmed it has received multiple complaints but stopped short of taking action, stating only that “some people do things differently” — a response many residents described as “deeply worrying.”

In the meantime, dog walkers are urged to remain alert, stick to well-lit areas, and remember: if someone’s walking without a dog, they’re either lost… or worse, they know exactly what they’re doing.

31/12/2025

Man Applies for Barista Job Using ChatGPT, Accidentally Recruited by Government

A Rochdale man claims his decision to let artificial intelligence handle his job applications has resulted in him being provisionally employed by a government department that “definitely isn’t Costa” and issued equipment he says is “no good for frothing milk.”

Dave Smith, 28, from Spotland, said he turned to ChatGPT after growing tired of rewriting CVs and cover letters for hospitality jobs.

“Me spelling’s s**te and I can’t be arsed pretending I’ve got a ‘passion for customer experience’,” he said. “So I asked the computer to tidy it up and apply for a few barista jobs. I’m decent under pressure and I can do a leaf on a cappuccino. That’s basically all they want.”

The following morning, Dave received an email congratulating him on progressing to “the next stage of vetting,” along with requests for proof of address, next of kin, and details of “any foreign contacts, however casual.”

“That’s when I thought something weren’t right,” he said. “Costa never asks about foreign contacts.”

Dave was later invited to what he assumed was a group interview at an unmarked business park outside Oldham, where he was shown a presentation titled Operational Readiness and Beverage Delivery. He says the session focused heavily on discretion, night work, and “making things look accidental.”

“I thought it were just health and safety,” he said. “Every job bangs on about that now.”

The situation became clearer when Dave was issued a firearm, a burner phone, and a laminated staff pass marked Contractor. He was also given a rota labelled “Assignments (Subject to Cancellation)”.

“I only realised it weren’t a coffee job when they gave me a target instead of a shift,” he said. “Still zero-hours, though. If they don’t need anyone eliminating that week, you just don’t get the call.”

A government spokesperson declined to comment, confirming only that “automated recruitment systems are under review” and that “operational roles may not involve direct interaction with the public.”

Dave begins his new role on Monday. He says he’s keeping his options open.

“If something comes up at Starbucks, I might switch,” he said. “At least there you know where you stand.”

30/12/2025

Local patriot outraged as neighbours put up decorations 362 days before Christmas

Local sovereignty enthusiast and professional blood-pressure tester Nigel Yaxley-Biltong has been treated for mild steam-venting after discovering that several houses on his street are already decorated for Christmas 2026.

“It’s a bloody disgrace,” shouted Mr Yaxley-Biltong, vibrating at a frequency that turned his Union Jack waistcoat into a blur. “It’s December 28th. We’ve still got 362 days of proper British grit to get through before the big day, and these woke snowflakes already have their lights on. It’s an insult to the King.”

Nigel, who spent the morning shouting at a cloud that looked vaguely like Sadiq Khan, claims the “early” decorations are part of a coordinated effort to dilute traditional British misery.

“First they came for the Easter eggs in January. Now they’re celebrating Christmas a year in advance. I haven’t even finished my Boxing Day indigestion or my third court-mandated anger management session, and there’s a plastic reindeer mocking me from across the road.”

29/12/2025

Local Man Dies of Boredom After Exposure to Neighbour Who Got Cold Plunge for Christmas

ROCHDALE — A 42-year-old man from Milnrow has tragically died of boredom after prolonged exposure to a neighbour who received a cold plunge as a Christmas present, local sources confirmed yesterday.

The deceased, identified as Darren P. “to respect what little dignity remains,” is believed to have succumbed sometime between his neighbour’s third explanation of “the science behind it” and a PowerPoint presentation titled Why Wim Hof Would Respect Me.

Paramedics were called to the scene after Darren was found slumped on his sofa, eyes glazed, still clutching a mug of tea that had gone untouched since Boxing Day. Initial reports suggest the cause of death was acute conversational fatigue, brought on by repeated phrases such as “it’s all about inflammation,” “you wouldn’t get it unless you’d tried it,” and “the water was literally minus something.”

“It started innocently enough,” said Darren’s partner, Sharon. “Just a quick ‘Merry Christmas’ over the fence. Next thing you know, he’s being shown GoPro footage of a man hyperventilating in a wheelie bin while Arctic Monkeys play in the background.”

Neighbours reported that the cold plunge — a converted livestock trough positioned prominently in the front garden — became the centre of the street’s social life within hours of Christmas morning.

“He kept calling it a ‘journey,’” said one resident. “Every time someone walked past, he’d pop up like a meerkat in swim shorts and say, ‘Ask me about discipline.’”

According to witnesses, Darren attempted to escape on several occasions, citing urgent errands such as “needing milk,” “checking the loft,” and “possibly moving to Scotland,” but was repeatedly intercepted with fresh updates on water temperature, recovery metrics, and an unsolicited TED-talk-length monologue on modern masculinity.

Local GP Dr. Alan Whitworth confirmed the diagnosis. “We’re seeing a sharp rise in boredom-related incidents this winter,” he said. “Cold plunges, podcasts, sourdough starters — they all present the same risk if the owner lacks self-awareness.”

At the time of writing, the neighbour in question has announced plans to start a weekly group plunge, has ordered a sauna “for contrast,” and is reportedly working on a podcast “just to document the process.”

Darren’s family have asked for privacy, but released a brief statement reading: “He didn’t hate the cold plunge. He just didn’t need to hear about it seven times a day.”

A small memorial has appeared near the trough, consisting of flowers, a candle, and a handwritten note reading simply: “We get it. It’s cold.”

25/12/2025

Thousands of Taxi Drivers Arrested Just for Saying Merry Christmas

Residents across Rochdale and the surrounding boroughs have expressed confusion, mild irritation and a familiar sense of weary disbelief following reports that thousands of taxi drivers have been arrested just for wishing passengers a “Merry Christmas”.

According to sources who “can’t quite believe they’re saying this out loud”, the arrests form part of a nationwide initiative aimed at “maintaining seasonal neutrality in enclosed transport environments”, particularly those that smell faintly of air freshener and chips.

One local taxi driver, who asked not to be named “in case it makes it worse”, said he was detained after offering a festive greeting to a couple travelling from the Flying Horse to Smallbridge.

“I just said it automatically,” he explained. “Merry Christmas. Same thing I’ve said every December since about 1989. Next thing I know there’s three officers, a clipboard, and I’m being asked if I meant it ironically.”

Greater Manchester Police have confirmed that Rochdale was “not disproportionately targeted”, despite several streets briefly running out of available minicabs when most of the town’s drivers were reportedly “helping police with enquiries”.

A spokesperson said:

“This is not about Christmas. This is about process. Drivers are reminded that any seasonal greeting must be delivered in a contextually inclusive, emotionally neutral manner, ideally after a short risk assessment.”

Passengers caught responding positively to the greeting are also understood to have been “spoken to”.

Local resident Pauline, 67, said she felt partly responsible.

“He said ‘Merry Christmas love’, and I said it back. I thought that was polite. Then a policeman asked me if I felt pressured. I said only because I was late for bingo.”

Meanwhile, Rochdale Council issued a brief statement urging calm and reminding residents that taxis remain available, “just quieter and noticeably less cheerful”.

At time of going to print, police were said to be reviewing CCTV footage of drivers suspected of thinking about saying Merry Christmas, while reminding the public that “Bah Humbug” remains perfectly acceptable year-round.

Christmas lights across the borough will remain switched on, though officials confirmed they are “keeping an eye on them

25/12/2025

If anybody else wishes me a Merry Birthday I’m going to lose my s**t, says Jesus

In a strongly worded statement released from Heaven this morning, Jesus Christ—eternal, omnipresent, and chronically overshadowed December-born birthday boy—has announced he is “absolutely done” with people wishing him a Merry Birthday instead of a normal Happy Birthday.

“It’s the same every year,” sighed the Son of God. “I get one day. One. And it’s already quite a busy one. The least people could do is keep the greetings separate.”

Heavenly officials say the issue has reached breaking point after yet another Christmas season where birthday messages from well-meaning Christians were fused into one aggressively cheerful seasonal hybrid.

“Merry Birthday, Happy Christ-mas-day, Have a Blessed Birthmas—just stop,” Jesus pleaded. “My special day is already competing with a global festival, a shopping extravaganza, and the John Lewis advert. I don’t need linguistic fusion on top of it.”

According to sources, Jesus’s frustration mirrors that of millions of humans who share the 25 December birthday burden and routinely receive a single combined birthday-and-Christmas gift “wrapped in suspiciously festive paper.”

Mary, speaking off the record, confirmed her son has been dealing with this drama “literally since the manger.”

“People kept turning up saying Merry Birthday while staring right at a newborn.”

Heaven’s HR department reports Jesus has filed multiple complaints in recent centuries, including one incident in 1843 when Charles Dickens allegedly told him, “Cheer up, it’s all quite festive,” prompting Jesus to mutter something about getting Santa to put coal in someone’s stocking.

Despite the growing irritation, Jesus insists he’s grateful for the thought—just not the phrasing.

“Wish me a Happy Birthday. Then wish me a Merry Christmas. Two separate things. Two separate sentences,” he said. “It’s not complicated. I performed miracles. You can manage punctuation.”

As of press time, millions of believers were preparing to wish him a “Happy New Yearthday,” proving absolutely no one has learned anything.

22/12/2025

Bill Clinton to be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame.

Following on from shock revelations on Friday evening concerning his inclusion in the freshly dumped tranche of Epstein Files documents, hot tub and bl***ob enthusiast Bill Clinton has made the headlines once again due to the announcement of his forthcoming induction into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame.

Saxophone legend Clinton has been the subject of controversy for some time, having been tipped for nomination in previous years but passed over by the likes of Jay-Z and Peter Frampton at the final hurdle.

Newly released images of Clinton living the rock n roll lifestyle to the full, hanging out in a swimming pool with **** ******* and a clearly underaged ******* ******** about to get his **** ****** by both of them (redacted for legal reasons) appear to have secured his nomination this year.

Whilst being world famous for blowing hot sax, chilling in hot tubs and receiving acts of horatio, what is perhaps less well known about Clinton is that he served a brief tenure as the 42nd President of the United States of America for two terms in the early to mid 90s to the early 2000s.

During this time, Clinton hit the headlines when, after eating the worst meal he had had in office, he requested of a hard of hearing intern that she go down and sack his cook, which resulted in hilarious consequences and a considerable misunderstanding.

Bill Clinton's new album, **** my ******* ****, *****, is available from.all good record stores and steaming services and all that stuff as of this Monday.

21/12/2025

Epstein List Distances Itself From David Walliams

The Epstein List has issued a statement this week formally distancing itself from David Walliams, citing concerns about “optics” and “not wanting to be dragged into unrelated weirdness.”

“We have our own brand problems,” said a representative. “This is not something we need right now.”

Sources close to the list said the decision was not a judgement on any specific allegations, but rather a desire to maintain a clear and consistent identity.

“There’s already enough confusion,” the source added. “We don’t want people assuming we’re just some general register of unsettling men.”

Walliams has denied any inappropriate behaviour. The list acknowledged the denial, before stressing that the move was “purely reputational.”

“This isn’t about guilt,” said the spokesperson. “It’s about association.”

At press time, the Epstein List was reportedly reviewing several other names “out of an abundance of caution,” while stressing it remained committed to its core values of silence, distance, and never explaining anything.

20/12/2025

Christmas Paternity Testing Kit surprise Aldi middle aisle hit in Burnley

An unusual Aldi Specialbuy has turned into a full festive frenzy in Burnley after Christmas paternity testing kits – sold in packs of five – began selling out at speed, with shoppers reportedly queuing around the block to snap them up.

The unexpected product, spotted in Aldi’s famed middle aisle among novelty jumpers, slow cookers and LED Christmas decorations, has become one of the store’s most talked-about items in the run-up to Christmas.

Staff at the Burnley branch said demand surged almost instantly, with early-morning queues forming and stock clearing within hours.

“I’ve seen queues for air fryers,” said one shopper. “But never for paternity tests. And definitely not in fives.”

Among those delighted by the surprise offering is Charlene, 25, a mother of eight, who said the affordability of the kits made them too good to pass up.

“I think it’s brilliant, me,” she said. “Normally they cost a fortune, but Aldi’s made them affordable, so I’m stocking up while I can. You never know when you might need one, do you?”

Charlene added that the pack-of-five format made practical sense.
“Five just saves you coming back for more,” she said. “With prices like this, you’d be daft not to.”

The kits offer home DNA sample collection with laboratory analysis and confidential results, at a price point significantly lower than many private testing services. While some shoppers have questioned the festive timing, others say the rush reflects the appeal of clarity at a time when families are already gathered together.

Social media reaction has ranged from disbelief to dark humour, with one commenter writing: “Burnley’s either very organised or very worried.”

Another joked: “That middle aisle has seen some things, but this might be its peak.”

An Aldi spokesperson said the retailer’s Specialbuys are sold in limited quantities and availability varies by store, adding that once stock is gone, it will not be restocked.

Whether the popularity of the kits reflects genuine need, festive curiosity or simply Aldi’s knack for unexpected hits, one thing is clear.

This Christmas in Burnley, shoppers aren’t just queuing for bargains — they’re queuing for answers, and thanks to Aldi, they’re getting them five at a time.

20/12/2025

Putin promises Russia won’t start a war in Europe if Europe promises not to defend itself if Russia starts a war in Europe

Russian President Vladimir Putin has said Russia will not start a war in Europe, provided Europe agrees not to defend itself if Russia starts a war in Europe, according to remarks reported by the Kremlin on Tuesday.

Speaking during a meeting described by Russian state media as “constructive and calm,” Mr Putin said the proposal should reassure European leaders and demonstrate Russia’s commitment to peace, stability and clear, uncomplicated rules. He added that concerns about Russian aggression were “unfounded” as long as Europe agreed in advance not to respond to it.

European officials reacted cautiously, with several pointing out that the proposal appeared to involve Russia promising not to do something only if Europe agreed not to react should it happen anyway. A spokesperson for the European Commission said discussions were ongoing and that Europe remained committed to its longstanding policy of defending itself in the event of being attacked.

Analysts said the statement was consistent with Russia’s recent diplomatic messaging, which has focused on guarantees that conflict will not occur provided other countries remove the means by which conflict might be resisted. “It’s a conditional peace offer,” said one expert, “with conditions.”

In Rochdale, residents asked about the comments while shopping in the town centre expressed confusion. “So he won’t start a war, unless he does, and we’re not meant to do anything about it?” said one shopper. “You can say what you like, but have you seen the price of Lurpak lately? That’s more of a worry.”

Other shoppers said international events felt distant compared with local concerns, including the continued difficulty of finding a parking space near the Wheatsheaf Centre, particularly at weekends.

The Kremlin said it hoped Europe would respond “sensibly” to the proposal and accused Western media of misrepresenting Mr Putin’s remarks by repeating them accurately. Further talks are expected, although no date has been

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