19/10/2023
Something we were talking about at a recent training workshop here at Autism Union - there’s definitely a difference between the two!
"But aren’t we all a little bit demand avoidant?"
This is a question I’m asked occasionally when I’m speaking about or delivering training on Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA).
The answer is “Yes – we are!”
We will all naturally avoid things we find:
Boring
Frightening
Painful
Overwhelming
Uncomfortable etc
I can be very demand avoidant at times. I have ADHD, so I will procrastinate and avoid things that I don’t find stimulating such as:
Report writing
Accounting
Admin
Housework
PDAers are not avoiding demands because they are being willingly oppositional, “naughty,” defiant or difficult.
The difference is, PDAers are unable to comply with demands because they are a threat to their autonomy, and this threat causes an unavoidable and overwhelming anxiety response such as fight, flight, freeze, fawn etc.
Often demands are not refused or rejected obviously, rather they are avoided subtlety, and cleverly using distraction, excuses, delaying techniques, flattery, creativity and charm.
It’s essential to remember that it is not that the individual with PDA doesn’t WANT to comply demands, the fact is that they CAN’T comply with them, and that is a very important difference.
But, it’s not just external expectations and demands which cause anxiety and demand avoidance for an individual with PDA.
Internal expectations and demands also remove the feeling of autonomy and control that a PDAer needs.
The result? PDAers will avoid things they WANT to do, as well as things they don’t. Imagine how frustrating, upsetting and conflicting this must be for them.
This was a common theme that came across SO strongly when I interviewed the amazing PDAers for my next book.
One example that stood out so much was a lovely young person who told me that she has always wanted to play the bass guitar and was given one for her Christmas present when she was 13 years old.
She is now 18 and has still not been able to pick up and play the bass guitar, even though she still desperately wants to play it. This internal demand avoidance must cause so much frustration and further anxiety too.
When parenting or supporting an individual with PDA, we must always remember their need for autonomy and the anxiety that is caused when this is taken away, threatened to be removed, or perceived to be taken away.
PDAers will do everything that they can to protect their autonomy, which is why the traditional approaches and strategies that can work so successfully for non-PDA autistic individuals which are routed in routine, structure and predictability, do not work, and can actually be counter-productive for an individual with a PDA profile.
The image illustrated by Missing The Mark is taken from my new teens book coming out soon!
But if you can’t wait, you can still grab your copy of my book for Educators and parents here 👉 https://tinyurl.com/y2csdhv3
