24/12/2024
📣 Drunken Defender of County Town 🚨
This weekend, Castlebar shoppers got more than their Christmas groceries as local legend Brendan “Barrel” Flaherty—self-proclaimed “Mayor of Main Street”—waged war on what he called the great “Covie Invasion.”
Fueled by just a small drop of festive cheer (14 pints of Guinness and possibly a twist of Poitín), Barrel stationed himself outside Dunnes Stores, kitted out in a Santa hat, Donkey jacket, and a “Hon Castlebar!” T-shirt, and a scarf that looked like it was knitted by a 12-fingered snipe after a night in Cosmos.
His mission? To stop Westportians from “robbin’ our trolleys and stealin’ our women!”
🔴 Highlights of the Madness:
Target 1: A Westport reg plate. “Did Westport run out of cranberry shaggin’ sauce? I suppose ye want Castlebar gravy too, do ye?!”
Accusations:“Ye wouldn’t see us takin’ yer artisan sourdough or whatever hipster sh*te ye ate over there!”
“Castlebar sprouts taste better than anything on yer Westport salad menus!”
“Go back to yer overpriced cappuccinos and leave our Aldi ham alone to f**k!”
Cart Chaos: Barrel commandeered a trolley and interrogated shoppers: “Mince pies?! Typical Westport. Probably full of quinoa!”
When one brave soul mentioned, “Ye’ve no Marks and Sparks, sure,” Barrel lost it completely:
“NO SH****NG MARKS AND SPARKS?!” he bellowed, mid-snack on some raw Kellys sausages. “We’ve got Lidl, Aldi, Joyce’s, AND Mary’s! Go on, f**k off back to yer fancy shanty bay!”
🛑 Muttering Jesus Christ under his breath, the patience of Dunnes Stores GM Peadar Dell was finally exhausted, Gardaí were called to check out 17 arriving 2 hrs late following a tantalising game of pool in Garda HQ. Barrel was last seen being escorted away, smoking a Sweet Afton while also clutching a tin of Jacob’s USA biscuits belting out Fairytale of New York.
Castlebar—Making Christmas Great Again! 🎄
