13/01/2026
Tujhe kaun chhedega? (Who would even look at you that way?) Was a harmless comment made by my cousin who also happened to laugh at her friend pointing at me and calling me ugly. More than the laughter, I remember the confusion. In a defensive tone I replied,"sabko chhedte hain," as if this was a consolation to my teen brain. As I grew up, the remark never left me and I surrendered to the ridiculous apathy of male gaze.
I have always been a good daughter, girl, student. For me, it meant obedience which later turned to submission and indecisiveness. Very early in school, I realized I wasn't pretty enough to bag boys' attention. I excelled in exams, topped every year until whatever left of me was reduced to being a bookworm. But the inherent confusion around my sexuality was a dominant one. I existed only when men looked at me. The vulture sat on my shoulders, feeding on my flesh, and chanting the same comment made years ago. I didn't know how else to feel desire if not letting the desire of men turning me into a sexual object. Despite the objectification, I kept talking to them, kept having the punch back moment of my life in response to my cousin's comment, "look, atleast he wants me. And him. And him."
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