21/02/2025
I met my younger self for coffee today. She had arrived ten minutes early, and I was twenty minutes late.
She looked nervous, her hands wrapped around her cup as if seeking warmth or comfort. There was a tiredness in her eyes, the kind she tried to hide behind small smiles and quick glances at the door.
I asked how her day had been. “I’m fine,” she said. But I knew it was a lie.
She turned the conversation to me, asking how I’d been, what life was like now. I exhaled, staring at the steam curling from my coffee.
“I’m stressed. Depressed, even. But it’s fine. That’s life.”
She looked at me, searching for reassurance, for hope. I wondered if I should lie.
She frowned, stirring her drink even though she hadn’t added anything to it. I could see the question forming in her mind before she spoke.
“Does it get better?”
I hesitated. The truth sat heavy on my tongue, and for a moment, I considered softening it, making it sound lighter than it was. But I owed her honesty.
“Not in the way you think,” I admitted. “Things change. You change. But better? That depends on what you mean.”
She looked down, pressing her lips together. I could tell she wanted me to say something different. That the sleepless nights, the endless worrying, the feeling of not being enough—it would all disappear one day. But I couldn’t give her that.
“You’ll get stronger,” I added, watching her expression shift. “You’ll learn how to carry it better. But some days will still be heavy.”
She nodded slowly, like she was trying to convince herself that was enough. I remembered that feeling. The need to believe that the pain had a purpose, that there was a reason for all of it.
“Do I at least figure things out?” she asked, her voice quieter now.
I let out a short laugh, shaking my head. “Not really. But you learn to live with the uncertainty.”
She sighed, resting her chin on her hand. “That’s not exactly comforting.”
“I know,” I said, taking a sip of my coffee. “But you’re going to be okay, even when you don’t feel like it.”
She didn’t look convinced. I couldn’t blame her.
But she would understand one day.