The Luxembourg Splice

19/10/2025

LAST NIGHT A PUMP-GLOVE SAVED MY LIFE

Rafael, an expat who has long forgotten his roots, almost drove into a Mazout refinery as he planned - if it wasn't for one thing...

When refuelling just before his su***de plan, he spotted a diesel glove showing him the finger.

"I laughed for about forty five seconds" said Raf. "Before that my thoughts cycled on a loop about my whiny bitch of a wife who is probably fu***ng her colleagues, my sick parents, my friends back home who all go surfing at lunchtime, and my kids who rob me blind and tell me to f**k off when I wish them a good day."

"I actually want to hug them now."

18/05/2025

STRASSEN CAT HAS MORE FOLLOWERS, STILL DOESN'T CARE

This weekend, a cat who struts around parts of Strassen officially receives more attention from Luxembourgers than anything Xavier Bettel says about world affairs.

Stripey doesn't talk, but if she did she would say "Yeah whatever, I can do that s**t in my sleep."

23/02/2025

28/11/2024

Awful Couple now cycling side by side

The couple in your building who complain about you but also steal your electricity are now cycling to work alongside each other.

Not content with remaining low profile, they are now proudly holding up hundreds of commuters per week.

Neighbour Mr Tact explained, "This morning they filled my bin, jumped on their bikes and basically blocked one whole lane all the way to Kirchberg."

"This was the last straw that me and the rest of the residents needed though. We have had a discussion, and next week let's just say there is going to be an accident involving these as****es and a manure truck."

17/09/2024

NO RIOTING HERE

“Will never happen!” said police bureaucracy minister Klaude Klules. “We have a mental thirty-six tier policing strategy that no one will ever be able to navigate”.
Upon further questioning he reluctantly added, “We treat different nationalities and social classes differently, on different days and even times of the week. Plus, the hardcore Luxembourg patriots are too busy laughing at the foreign nationals who are filling their bank accounts. Say what you want on social media as well, we don’t give a s**t.”
We asked if any of this information can be located.
Klules huffed and said, “None of this is written down so f**k off.”

27/06/2024

CYCLE LANES TO ALSO BECOME ZOMBIE LANES

Since Luxembourg's cycle lanes are mostly used by zig-zagging, doe eyed human beings - the Government has no choice but to also dedicate them as Zombie Lanes.

"Well.." said Claude Klules, Minister of Bureaucracy, "Its a stretch to call these things cycle lanes anyway. We figure that most cyclists can deal with the added slaloms."

We asked if this was the only danger posed here.

"Mostly yes," said Klules. "Every once in a while there is a zombie who grins at you. Pedal faster when you see those ones."

03/05/2024

The CNS building is no more. "We demolished it when we realised that everyone in it was doing f**k all and putting roadblocks in everyone's way", explained Claude Klules the Minister of Bureaucracy.

28/09/2023

"F**k your kid, is your dog vaccinated??"

A typical Strassenite has unabashedly shown her true colours to a fellow dog walker.

12 seconds after letting her dog s**t on a children’s playground, Marie-France de France overwhelmed a passing dog walker with passive aggressiveness:

“Is your dog vaccinated?”
“Is it female?”
“Is it neutered?”
“Does it get its hair cut at the same place as my dog? If so I’m changing place.”

Nice expat dog walker Eliza Hrusku commented, “I just looked at the dog s**t she was power-walking away from to the kids playing nearby and she unloaded on me!”

22/05/2023

CABAL OF IN**ED LANDOWNING PEOPLE WANT YOUR VOTE

Several people you've never seen on the bus want you to sign up so that they can wield a little political power. They promise that the tram will go through your one-horse town, bikes will have priority over cars and dashcams will never be allowed.

Klaude Klules of the Expat to Voter Group explains. "Everything is about giving you gutter rats a few things to nibble on, while our property prices go into the stratosphere."

"My party, the Green Democratic Pirates, will also endeavour to shatter any remaining hopes for workplace diversity - by improving the transport links between Luxembourg and our French overlords."