26/07/2025
MY CALABAR LANDLORD DAUGHTER 🤣🤣
Dem say na lie. Dem say no be all Calabar landlords dey do am. But my brother, na inside Calabar I chop breakfast with pepper soup and extra fork wey no belong to me.
Let me gist you how one simple “Good afternoon sir” turned me into an emergency husband, a community mechanic, and the headline for village meeting.
I just dey waka my own peacefully that year. I get new job for Calabar and hustle carry me go one compound for Atimbo side. Clean house, normal face-me-I-face-you, but the toilet no be face-me...I mean, dem tile am like hotel.
Na so I rent one room, minding my business.
But from the second week, wahala wear skirt.
The landlord, one short yellow man with tribal mark wey look like secret map, call me:
Young man, this your room fine well well o. You be responsible boy. Feel free oh! My daughter dey house, if you need anything... water, food, maybe help to wash shirt...you fit just call Blessing.
I laugh small.
I no suspect anything. I just say, “No wahala sir.”
But na from “No wahala” my destiny take jump motorbike.
Blessing, landlord pikin. 22. Yellow like Sunday rice with stew. Waist like say dem use music direct am. Always wearing wrapper and tank top like she dey cook soup, even if na 7 a.m.
The next day, she knock door.
Uncle good morning. Daddy say make I help you wash your white shirt wey you hang outside since. E go soon rain.
I shock. I never say anything oh. I just mumble “Thanks.”
Before I fit blink, she don carry bucket, soap, and kneel like laundry na her calling.
One night, I twist my ankle because NEPA take light and I jam stool. As I dey groan, landlord come with Blessing.
My pikin go help you rub balm small. No worry, she sabi small massage.
Before I say Jack, her warm hand don dey my leg… then my back… then my chest. Na that day I know say Calabar girls no dey play with direction.
1. She dey bring soup I no ask for.
2. She dey sleep off inside my room after movie.
3. She dey “mistakenly” wear towel pass my window like say breeze dey blow am.
4. Landlord go dey smile from one corner like father wey dey package bride price installmentally.
I wan run, but I no quick run.
Because... Blessing sabi everything.
Including that thing.
Yes. That thing.
Na so the matter begin dey hot like ogbono soup wey never don…
Three weeks after I move into that Calabar house, small peace I dey enjoy come turn to hot gbese! Every evening I return from work, na so Blessing go dey sweep in front of my door like say na church crusade ground.
One night, I come back late. Rain soak me finish, even my boxers don turn sponge. As I dey struggle with my wet bag, I hear knock:
Knock knock...
I open door.
Na Blessing!
She wear bumshort and her papa white singlet. No bra o! The thing dey point like two church ushers on duty. I no know if na cold or temptation.
She say,
Uncle, I see say you’re wet... should I help you hang your clothes inside?
I shock!
Before I talk "Jesus is Lord", she don enter my room with one peg rope.
I dey shiver. Not from cold o, but from that temptation wey dey vibrate like generator wey wan off. I just hold my wrapper tighter like village pastor.
She dey look me, I dey look fan.
She talk again,
Uncle, do you want hot water to bath?
I say, "No! I mean yes! I mean... wait... who sent you?"
She laugh,
My mummy say I should always help you because you’re like a son to her. Feel free with us o!
Feel free???
Na so dem dey feel free to enter wahala?
The next morning, her mama see me dey dodge Blessing like say she be SARS. She call me.
Ah-ah, Tega, this girl na small pikin o. She no get bad mind. You fit even send her to buy c0nd0m for you, she go go!
Ehn?!
Who go send 19-year-old girl to buy c0nd0m? I just nod head like say I hear, but inside my chest na heavy drum dey beat:
Boom boom boom... This people wan finish me!
That night again, my light bulb blow. I go ask for spare bulb from Mama Blessing. She no get.
Five minutes later, Blessing knock again with candle.
But this time, she enter with candle and Garri soak with groundnut and milk.
Uncle, I brought you light and food.
I say,
Are you a woman or a setup?
She laugh again.
I no lie, my body dey confuse me. My spirit dey shout,
Flee temptation!
But my eyes dey shout,
"Just stay small..."
Blessing papa travelled to the village for burial. Na only Mama Blessing, Blessing and me for compound.
That Saturday, as I dey relax for room, I hear light knock again.
I open door.
Na Blessing again... this time, in towel only!
She say,
"Uncle, the bathroom door lock me out. I forgot my clothes. Please help me borrow wrapper."
Wrapper?
I begin find wrapper like say na national treasure. But before I turn reach wardrobe, towel fall!
As I turn back, I see her standing...Nak3d. Full package. Front, back, everything.
I freeze like NEPA transformer.
She say,
"Uncle Tega... Are you okay?"
I say, NO!
I close my eyes.
I run go kitchen.
I pour cold water on my head.
Na there I realise: this girl no be small pikin again...na Calabar agenda on duty.
FAST FORWARD...TWO MONTHS LATER...
I dey chop rice with Mama Blessing one afternoon, she just drop bombshell:
Tega, Blessing likes you o. She say if you want to marry her, you’re free.
Wetin concern landlord daughter with me wey just wan pay rent?
I no know say that night wey towel fall, na her mama dey hide dey watch. Setup! Real Calabar Nollywood Season 12!
One night as I dey return from work, I see another guy...new tenant...fine boy, beards like James Brown wey get money.
Na so Mama Blessing tell am:
"Feel free with us o. If you need anything, call Blessing."
My eye clear!
I was never special. I was "tenant of the month".
Now I understand:
Na blessing for dem, na burden for us.
Months later, I hear say Blessing get belle.
But the father? Nobody sabi. New guy say no be him.
Dem dey look my side.
But I swear by Calabar pepper soup, I no touch her o!
Abi... make I go do DNA first?
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