30/11/2020
Practicing Attachment with Detachment
Please don't miss this piece of mind-blowing, real-life experience and eye-opener written by Sudha Murthy – Chairperson of Infosys Foundation and wife of Indian Billionaire Businessman, N. R. Narayana Murthy.
It is worth reading especially for aging parents and anyone hoping to be an aged parent someday.
Here is what she wrote:
“When my daughter, the elder of my two children got wedded and left home, I felt a part of me gone.
With a daughter and a son, I know what both mean, differently.
When she was in her teens I felt as if she was my “physical extension!”
So when she left home to set up her own, I felt I have lost a limb.
The next time she came to stay with us, I was astonished at how her priorities had changed.
We too must’ve given the same shock to our parents!
When she said ‘Amma’, she meant her mother-in-law, not me!
I felt she was always in a hurry to go back to her house and not stay with me for a few more days.
That was the first time, it dawned on me that I have to start practicing attachment with detachment.
Two years after my daughter’s marriage, my son left for higher studies in the United States of America.
Having experienced a child’s separation once, I was better equipped emotionally.
I plunged headlong into various classes held in the city…
I just wanted to be away from home.. since my husband was a 24x7 workaholic.
My son used to write how he was missing my home-cooked food, how he was waiting to come back to live in Chennai with us…
After a few years, he did come back and we got him married.
He started living separately with his wife and we were also happy that they wanted to be independent from day one…
But now, it has all changed!
When in the United States of America, he missed my cooking, now if I called him to come over with his wife for a meal, it was always some excuse like “oh, amma, we have other plans for the day, please don’t take it personal if we don’t drop by today!”
I could see that his priorities have also changed completely.
We say so many things and give so much advice to others, but when it comes to our own children, acceptance comes very late.
Our next step is to just leave them undisturbed in every way.
It was at that time, that I made the following, my ‘new lifestyle’.
In all my relationships; rather interactions, I give my best and do my best to live up to what I say.
My attachment with them is complete.
However, I remain detached in the sense that I do not expect them to reciprocate my affection.
Most importantly, I make a conscious effort, not to interfere or pass judgments on the life they choose to lead.
My concern for my near and dear ones will not fade with my detachment.
If you let go of the ones you love, they will never go away – this is the beauty of attachment with detachment!
I have learned to love and let go.
This dictum has developed tolerance in me.
When I let the people live the way they want to, I learn to accept them for what they are.
Most importantly,
I learn to tolerate the world around me and this tolerance brings in me a sense of peace and contentment.
Since both my children live in Chennai, I follow this very strictly.
Do you know why?
Now I have realised that we start growing mentally much more only after our children leave our house and we have to tackle the emotional vacuum, that arises, along with age-related problems.
This is specially dedicated to my friends, who are totally dependant on their children’s lives, to nurture their own selves emotionally.
Please develop your interests, hobbies, etc, however mundane they seem to be.
We must learn
To love whatever we do, instead of doing whatever we love!!”
It is very important to learn and practice attachment with detachment as we age.
PS.
My dear mommies and daddies, remember, that there will come a time when "a man will leave his mother and father and be united to his wife and they two will become one flesh."
Leave means “to forsake dependence upon,” “leave behind,” “release,” and “let go.”
On the other hand, children should also remember that the word is "leave"does not suggest children should forget or abandon particularly their aged parents.
Do not forget and abandon your parents because you have been united with your spouse.
Many marriages are suffering as caring for aging parents demands their attention and resources. However, good communication and planning can help ease the challenges.
There are homes without peace today because of hubby’s or wifey's ties to mama... Remember that leave means “to forsake dependence upon,” “leave behind,” “release,” and “let go.”
Use your discretion.
Wife and prospective wives, do not make trouble with hubby because of your mother-in-law; she’s also your mother.
Approach issues with wisdom.
Remember every woman is a potential mother. Therefore, do unto others what you want others to do unto you.
If your parents cared for you, care for them. Even if they didn't care for you, if you have the opportunity to do so, care for them. One day, you will be older. Once again, unable to care for yourself. Who will care for you? What goes around comes back around. –Unknown
To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honours. –Tia Walker
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The Carpenter of Inspiring Stories.
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