26/07/2025
HOW OUR ENGLISH PROBLEM STARTED: A Naija Linguistic Safari
By Thomas Danjuma Abu
Once upon a compound, somewhere between a barbing salon and a bending corner, Nigeria took English, turned it upside down, added stew, and served it with grammar rice. And that, dear compatriots, was how our English problem started.
Let’s not pretend. The British came, dropped English like it was pure gold, and left. The Americans came after, swagging it up. But Nigerians? We looked at both, squinted, and said, “This grammar too dry, make we add pepe.”
And add pepper, we did.
Take a simple word like “Extreme.”
– British: Extreme
– American: End
– Nigeria: Extreme end — because why end something simply when you can end it extremely?
Or how about “Shorts”?
– British: Knicker
– American: Short
– Nigeria: Short knicker — clarity is power, my brother. We need double confirmation that the knicker is indeed short.
Then there’s our mighty “Barbing salon.”
You see, the British say Salon. The Americans? Barbershop.
But in Nigeria, we enter Barbing salon. Don’t argue. No barb, no beauty.
Someone once asked: “Why ‘barbing’? Barber is a noun!”
Answer? “Because we dey do action there na! Barbing is continuous.”
The Philosophical Depth?
This isn’t just English remixing. It’s Linguistic Rebellion. It is Nigeria reminding the world that language is living, and if it's alive, then it must dance azonto when it enters our borders.
Let’s take more strolls through the valley of Naija Phonetics:
The Wisdom in Our Madness
“So therefore…”
Double transition. Double emphasis. Philosophical principle: "To reach conclusion, you must pass two gates."
“From now henceforth…”
Temporal reinforcement. We don’t want you to forget when. One ‘now’ is time. ‘Henceforth’ is forever. Combine both — it's eternity in action.
“Still yet…”
Two negatives don’t make a positive in maths, but in Naija English, two confirmations make your statement unchallengeable.
“Reverse back…”
Because if you just reverse, how do we know you went back? The word 'back' is the insurance policy.
“Should in case…”
This is Nigerian caution. You’re not just preparing for the worst — you’re preparing in case the worst has a cousin.
“Tell me the reason why…”
We don’t do vague inquiries. We want the reason AND the why. That’s epistemology, my friend — the theory of knowing why you know what you know.
Deep Grammar, Deep Culture
These aren’t just grammar errors. They are expressions of our national personality. Nigerians love:
Emphasis
Redundancy (for assurance)
Rhythmic speech
A touch of drama
We are a people of expression. That’s why when you go to the market and someone says, “That one is costful!” — it makes perfect sense. Why say ‘expensive’ when you can invent ‘costful’? It’s logical. It’s poetic. It’s Naija.
The Moral of This English Wahala
Language evolves. And in Nigeria, it mutates, marries Yoruba, borrows Hausa, sits with Igbo, and then graduates with a 2:1 from University of Benin.
Our English is not broken. It’s bespoke. Custom-tailored for every occasion — from sermons to school to street fights.
Let no one shame us. We are the Original English Speakers.
Where others pause, we reverse back.
Where others explain, we tell the reason why.
Where others end, we go to the extreme end.
As we say in Nigeria:
“Make I no talk too much, before I bend this corner and reverse back. Still yet, sha… just reason am.”
Laughter is the highest form of philosophy — and in Nigeria, we speak it fluently… in English remix.
