09/06/2025
BIPOLAR AND BEAUTIFUL
Beautiful disaster. Hot mess. Living dead. Contrasting words that perfectly describe me.. Welcome to my life!
Mariah Carey, Mel Gibson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Kristen Bell, Kanye West, Demi Lovato, JK Rowling, Carrie Fisher, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Frank Sinatra, Marilyn Monroe, Vincent Van Gogh. Talented, geniuses, icons, legendary. And they all suffer from either depression or bipolar disorder. Then there’s me. I do not have a name as big as theirs. I may not be able to change the world but I hope to make a difference in the lives of the people who will come across my testimonies.
Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, Aaron Carter, Twitch, Kate Spade, Vincent Van Gogh, Adolf Hi**er, Marilyn Monroe. The ugly truth of su***de..
I have been contemplating su***de for the last 12 years and in the last 3 years, I have been passively suicidal. I guess it has become better although sad to say, still suicidal. Grim thoughts are a constant companion, never failing to visit. It is a nightmare not only for me but also for my family.
It is a tiring journey and I just want to give up sometimes. Bipolar disorder keeps me crippled and paralyzed. I am so exhausted, fed up and I can’t seem to find a silver lining in the dark clouds. I am suffocating in the darkness; drowning in a big, black hole. I feel so terribly alone, useless living a life with no purpose. People call me strong, brave, resilient.. having endured this illness for so long. But most of the time I just don’t want to be called resilient any longer. I want ease, I want to be among normal people, not patted in the back for how well I handle adversities.
But I have a strong family and friends who support me, care for me and love me. Their patience and understanding are unwavering. Their prayers keep me going especially at times when I can no longer pray for myself. When life gets too hard to handle, I remind myself to rest, reset, restart. Pause but never quit. Never give up, never give in. Pick myself up, dust myself off and ride life again. No retreat, no surrender.
But the brain is a complicated thing; mental illnesses have gray areas science have yet to discover. Suicidal thoughts can be so powerful it can overpower the will to live. Please understand that su***de doesn’t mean we want to die, we just want the pain to end. We are not killing ourselves. Mental illnesses are killing us. In case we lose the fight over su***de, there are important things we want you to know.
Knowing we are gonna die enables us to manage our affairs. Have that last will and testament recognized and honored. Make that life insurance known. Prepare our eulogy. Plan our memorial service. Convey if we want to be buried or cremated. We make death such a taboo topic instead of honoring it and celebrating the life lived instead. I don’t want a long funeral service. I don’t want flowers. Mourn for me for a day then cremate me and throw my ashes in the ocean. You can hold a celebration of my life with happy memories, food and drinks after my passing.
You have done more than enough and I am so grateful for you. I am so blessed to have you. Don't be too hard on yourselves. Don't blame yourselves that you didn't see the signs. I have been very transparent. Don't keep asking yourselves if you have done enough. You are enough. You have done enough. And you will do so much more so live your life, be happy and healthy. Life is so beautiful.
In case I lose my battle, know that I am in peace wherever I will be. I have finally made it to the other side. Don't say I am too young to die. Don't say that I have so much more to live for. I am happy and I am content with what I have. I had a good run. I achieved more than what others achieved in a hundred years. I have the faith that makes me calm and serene amidst the uncertainty of the afterlife; the unknown life after death. Besides, I'll be meeting my parents again. I am not afraid of dying knowing they'll be waiting for me on the other side. And to the ones left behind, please move on with your life with a happy heart. Mourn for me no more.
I am love. And love never dies. So when all that is left of me is love, give me away. Smile to that homeless man. Give that kid a hug. Feed the hungry. Help the poor. Care for the sick. Defend the weak. And when you do, I'm right there with you. Kissing you with the gentle breeze; hugging you with that mighty wind; sharing tearful joy and joyful tears through the rain coming down on a sunny day. And when you miss me, look for me in the people I have loved. And if you cannot live without me, let me live in your hearts, in your minds, in your acts of kindness.
I am not giving up just yet. I'll put up one hell of a fight with you. I will live to see tomorrow and tomorrow never ends just like me because I am love.
